#1
this is a song I kinda just made-up in like 5 minutes. its pretty self explanatory. and im more of a punk lyric writer, soooo... i guess this is sorta my style. this is just a song for a crappy relationship basically... and its my punk writing for it. so yea, enjoi.

?Matches?

verse1
my life was set and planned,
all i had to do was pass go,
but ever since you took my hand,
i cant think straight anymore.

chorus
life is like a box of matches
everything burns out in time,
not like my vcr
where i can stop and push rewind.
like those phone calls you never made
we were never meant to be,
you were in it for something,
but that something wasn?t me.

verse 2
im just hurt now
but dont you worry ill be fine
ignore the feeling of guilt
when you sit and watch me cry

bridge
everything?s matches
everyone?s matches
but once you light them
you?ve got no more choices
cause no matter what you do
you cant undo the past
just remember me when you're alone in your room
and you realize that you've only got one match.

(*note: for the bridge I want it to build up, so I know it might sound weird right now, but with music it?ll sound fine (i kno it sounds kinda too extended but itll be sung fast.)*)

eh, not my best work.
it takes randomness to be <i> cool <i>, kind of like tourettes on speed

Cartman - Whatever, whatever, I do what I want!!

Fender Strat Jimmie Vaughn Tex Mex
Peavey 112 EFX Amp
Drumset
#3
^How 'bout actually critting his first?

verse1
my life was set and planned,
all i had to do was pass go,
but ever since you took my hand,
i cant think straight anymore.
Seems like you've got an ABAC type of thing goin' on here. I guess not going for the end-rhyme in the last line does something to convey your idea of not being able to 'think straight anymore'. Other than that, though, I think an ABAB would've been better. Decent starter.


chorus
life is like a box of matches
everything burns out in time,
not like my vcr
where i can stop and push rewind.
like those phone calls you never made
we were never meant to be,
you were in it for something,
but that something wasn?t me.
Nice simile with the matchbox. Good enough for the piece to pivot upon, I guess. The syllable count is pretty random, though. The flow could be better when read. I guess the VCR line is the main culprit in that respect.
Ah, nice little turn of phrase with "that something wasn't me". You've got wit. Use that to your advantage.



verse 2
im just hurt now
but dont you worry ill be fine
ignore the feeling of guilt
when you sit and watch me cry
Well, it's undeniabley emo. There's not much to me be done about that, heh. If I were you I'd change "when" to "while". It makes a little more sense and squeezes a little more rhyme out of the stanza, too. Not bad, I guess it's emotive. Though I'm sure a lot of people would find it cringe-inducing. Meh.

bridge
everything?s matches
everyone?s matches
but once you light them
you?ve got no more choices
cause no matter what you do
you cant undo the past
just remember me when you're alone in your room
and you realize that you've only got one match.
Ah, I like what you seem to have done; used matches in the 'match-making' sense? That's cool. Witty, again. Pretty strong ending. This is a good piece for what it is; slightly emo relationship type piece. The rhymes weren't always as strong/exact as they could've been, but on the whole you did a reasonable job of 'em.
The only consistent problem I think was excessive variance in syllable count. It wasn't big on imagery, but I guess it's just not that kind of piece.
Nice work, it'd actually make a pretty good song. Sorry I don't have too much real criticism to offer!
Ro
ρ
#4
i thought the chorus was really good. pretty good over all.
I've seen emo-er.


Member of the "I am a Fan of Gaycore Wrestle-Metal" Fanclub.
#5
thanks everyone. especially scousertommy.. i would really like to change the 2nd verse, bcuz yea, it does sound emo. and thats not wat i really wanted to go for in this. but i just like had the 1st verse and chorus. then lost it with the 2nd verse. so any suggestions to make it less emo? thanks again!

-Ann (K-Towns Finest Girl Drummer)
it takes randomness to be <i> cool <i>, kind of like tourettes on speed

Cartman - Whatever, whatever, I do what I want!!

Fender Strat Jimmie Vaughn Tex Mex
Peavey 112 EFX Amp
Drumset