#1
Ok, i'm back from my two week holiday and have come up with this SONG. Just like to make that clear

Short Wire

Lines that were drawn
And washed along with the flood
Irreversible stains
Bleached on your crimson recollection

Goodnight my little sobbing star
Did you get lost beneath that rubble?
Conscience dug your trouble
Crossed eyes from crossed minds

Furrowed from hopes
And fuses blown in your face
Blinding names
Mixed your thoughts with water

Goodnight my little sobbing star
Did you get lost beneath that rubble?
Fumbled for company?s flight
Crossed eyes from crossed minds

How could you leave your line outside
Sopping soaked in the rain
Do you read me now?
And connect your short wire into the power?

Goodnight my little sobbing star
I?ll see you some time
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Aug 14, 2006,
#2
Hmm... in general very good, i didn't like the 'sobbing star' bit but maybe that's because i'm not into those sort of lyrics, for the genre it's probably ok! 8/10.

P.S. The persil line isn't in the actual song due to the fact that as you say it is odd haha
#3
I probably owe you a lot of crits from random pieces over the months so I'll attempt to help you out alot here via a *trumpets* full crit! exciting isnt it!

Lines that were drawn
And washed along with the flood
definitely cliche idea but you pull it off well with your usage of 'lines' instead of the normal 'love' or some similar term

Like cleansing bleach
From your memory
meh, i honestly hated this. I mean i know its a song but you still could have been a lot more original with this, even a few obscure descriptional adjectives could have saved this. And 'Cleansing Bleach' is rather redundant IMHO, thats what bleach does, it cleanses.

Goodnight my little sobbing star
Did you get lost beneath that rubble?
Fumbled for company?s flight awkward line
Crossed eyes from crossed minds
aside from teh cliche 'sobbing star' (which is actually fine, it works well for what your doing in this song) and the awkward third line this was ace, no other complaints

Insomnia driven pace
Leaves rubbery marks on your person
Wearing your disc breaks
And halting your madness
meh, way too disjointed to follow, I mean, it makes sense to a certain extent but it just... sounds bad and incoherent, change this please.

Goodnight my little sobbing star
Did you get lost beneath that rubble?
Fumbled for company?s flight
Crossed eyes from crossed minds
same as before

Can you understand me?
Tell me I?m worthy?
Connect your short wire into the power?
the first two lines were honestly terrible, i dont care how relatable they are or how well they fit in a love song, they dont deserve to be in a piece of yours, you are too good for them. The third line however was brilliant, if the rest of the piece was more like that it would be awesome...

Goodnight my little sobbing star
I?ll see you some time
needed a much bigger and more dynamic ending


so overall, I wasnt feeling it really. I mean, it had some nice parts, hell, even some brilliant lines, but on the whole it just came off as cliche. However, I do always love to see your stuff, you have excellent writing poise.

if you are returning: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=413663
#4
Thanks, a truly helpful crit. That's what happens with me, i post what i have literaly just written down and get feedback on it then modify it. I understand the sort of lines you think are cliche and disjointed or whatever, and that's the reason i post on here so i can modify my pieces to meet my capability.

So thank you, i'll pm you a finished version if you're interested?

Edit: By the way; it's not a love song
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Aug 14, 2006,
#5
Heya there, hope you had a nice break, I certainly did

Synth has basically got the details down, but I'd just like to re-iterate that this feels like you weren't at your best, like for a song you thought you had to dumb it down. I think you ocul dhave done much much more with this especially those last five lines (minus the short wire one) felt especially weak coming from you.

But it is nice to see a song from you, something a little bit different, and it's also nice to see you back. I just think this was you at 60%, rather than top gear.

If you could, I'd appreciate acomment on the song in my sig. Many thanks.
#8
Greetings caz.

Synth certainly has given you some excellent pointers on this one. All I can say is that you're probably a little rusty if you've been having a break.

I reckon you could remove the second of the repeated stanzas. The piece was overall too short for it to be required. Perhaps you might move the first one to be the third stanza instead.

I still thought this was alright mate.
#9
Quote by caz_guitar_dude
Short Wire

Lines that were drawn
And washed along with the flood
Irreversible stains
Bleached on your crimson recollection I liked the colour reference, I'm always partial to that. As synth said, it is a cliché, pretty much the whole stanza.

Goodnight my little sobbing star Good line, I liked it.
Did you get lost beneath that rubble?
Conscience dug your trouble
Crossed eyes from crossed minds A bit incomprehensible, for me anyway, just those last two lines.

Furrowed from hopes
And fuses blown in your face
Blinding names Not enough syllables to keep the flow going.
Mixed your thoughts with water I think maybe changing mixed to diluted may sound better.

Goodnight my little sobbing star
Did you get lost beneath that rubble?
Fumbled for company?s flight
Crossed eyes from crossed minds

How could you leave your line outside
Sopping soaked in the rain Sopping soaked doesn't really make that much sense. Sopping would suffice without soaked and vice versa.
Do you read me now?
And connect your short wire into the power?

Goodnight my little sobbing star
I?ll see you some time


I thought this was a good song although some of it didn't seem to be on par with other parts.

If you could, could you have a look at the one in the sig?
#10
I was going to say to you, before my pc crashed, that I preferred this one, but still thought you could have a stronger ending than those last two lines. But If they've survived the first couple of drafts then I guess they're staying ? Overall, I think it's still a bit weaker than you're usual writing, but better than it previously was.

I was also going to say you should try and write a piece to your best standard before you post it up, therefore avoiding this editing thing . It makes sense :P