#1
ok heres scene 2, CRIT 4 CRIT, leave link or point it out if its in you sig. if you didnt get a chance at the first part heres...

Scene 1: How Could I?

and heres...

Scene 2: Just Call Me the Window

...This happened a long time ago. It left her, Sheena, very confused. She wouldn?t, however, bring it up. In fact, she completely forgot. Oddly, it left him, Armand, with many more questions. He asked himself why, if his wife was what he loved the most, he would ever hurt her. He wondered if it had something to do with the very few images that he had left from his childhood. The questions surrounded everything he did, ?Why can?t I remember? How could I?? Until suddenly one day, he forgot; the questions stopped.

So from now on I?ll continue my story with accounts not of the past, but of what I see in Armand every day. I can tell you because, for some reason, I know his feelings simply by looking at him through the window. I just know. I watch him every day. I know him well. Please don?t think anything of me for this; just listen.

I?ve decided to introduce you to one more person. His name is Mr. Lanselle, or at least that?s what he tells Armand to call him. He says he?s from a small country in Europe; I can?t quite recall the name of it. Anyway, he?s Armand?s business partner that rarely shows his face. As a matter of fact, I believe I am the only one that has ever seen him. I dislike Lanselle. I should have been Armand?s business partner, going on trips and making money with him, not him, but I doubt you want to hear about my foolish problems. That?s who Mr. Lanselle is.

Oh, me? You might want to call me wierd. Just call me the Window. That?s all I am...


EDIT: huge favor, if anyone can, im not good at making up names, as u can tell. sugestions for change of the wife tiffany? and maybe the dude Mr. Obsidon? thanks

ReEDIT: i got new ones but still open for sugestions
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Aug 15, 2006,
#2
Really liked scene 2, you are a great writer, and the stlory gets more intriging as it goes on....i know its not a song, but for some reason it reminds me of something maynard of tool would write......i really like it....but i have no suggestions for names, thats something i really suck at to....
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#3
i have a few suggestion on names. the wife marcelle , sheena or janine

for blokes mr lanselle, mr reed or mr strickland

youre story is reall good nice and compelling
#5
To be honest, I found this much the same as your intro, or whatever. Very bland, he did this, felt that, they went a did someting, this happened etc. I just found myself bored by it. Is this a story or an attempt at prose. Because it needs something exciting in there. Take a look at some prose around the site, Jallas writes very good stuff, Mike (Trigfunction)'s latest is good, he's also written some others. There's probably more but they aren't springing to mind right now.

You need to really expand on this whole thing. Add some interesting writing, imagery, metaphor, turn of phrases etc. This is a very raw and technically unimpressive piece, and I think you really need to have a good understanding of the basics of what and how you're writing before you progress, becaus eneither of the pieces has had any effect on me so far.

Good Luck.
#6
Meh, whats up mate?

Anyway, sorry i didnt get to crit your first part. But i did read it.
This is pretty bland, like Jammy says. I like how you've introduced certain people andgot more in depth with the wife and all. However, I think you really need to put more description or depth into or its just going to seem like a summary. Also, I like how you hve placed this in a first person viewpoint, and how you've included a memory loss, which can point to several outcomes.

Want to check mine? the first link in my sig mate, if you can.
thx
#7
"by the way her name is Sheena"
I hate that. It seemed very rushed and just thrown in, probably because you said "by the way". The rest of the stroy is ok, but I'm still anticipating a thrid addition.
#8
thanx, as implied in scene 2, scene 3 tells more of a story, don't know if yall will like it, but it gets interesting... kind of...
#9
and obviously I'm playing a game that aint mine... I'm not a storywriter or a poet/proser, so its tough, but I'm trying 2 get better, we'll see what happens, if you like the upcoming parts. thanx all 4 looking and critting
#10
The only thing i wud change would be to include the names in the first part probably like in the "Baby? I'm so sorry, I love you. Tell me again what happened." maybe like, "Shenna. Baby? I'm so sorry, I love you. Tell me again what happened."
because the 'By the way her name is Sheena" really annoyed me, but other than that i thought it was awsome and you got me really interested.
#12
Not as action packed so to speak as scene 1, but very intriguing. I think try keep them all as short as your first one, so maybe it will force you to add more events in a short space. Also im just curious as to how you are going to use these stories?
#13
what do you mean how ima use them? oh and thanks, i think youre right about keepin em short, ill try. what do you mean?
#14
No offence, but why are you calling it Scene 1 and Scene 2 and so forth etc etc? They're not scenes, if anything they're chapters. Scenes are from scripts where there is no description save a little at the very start, and that's jsut basically setting the scene. Scenes are dialogue, because plays are spoken and not read.

So yeah, um, like what?

Anyhow I read the first part to this as well as this one...

I don't like how you've written it. The first person narrative is weird, especially seen as you don't appear to be an actual character in the story. I found this story mildly interesting, but not to a great extent I'm afraid. It's kind of odd. But y;know... keep writing it and I'll read the next bits. Things can pick up
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#15
thanx, the Scene is becouse as i said it was originally a play. so i decided to keep that like that. and yeah i know its not that good, like i said, im no storyteller, im comfertable songwriting, but wanted to try somn new