#1
Our future is our past
It only gets better
the slower you walk
the faster you fall
the sooner you'll get up

i've been waiting for you
hoping someday
i can take youre hand
making you mine
for no one else to keep
breathing some life
into my fake reality
now nothing can take
this dream from me
feeling the time passing through our veins

Just sit down and listen
feel the pain of war
grow old and sing
a silent melody
as death taps on youre shoulder
think "now that i'm older
i cant be beat"

i've been waiting for you
hoping someday
i can take youre hand
making you mine
for no one else to keep
breathing some life
into my fake reality
now nothing can take
this dream from me
feeling the time passing through our veins

When you grow old
show the pain of war
when youre gone
youre life will still go on
you'll be alive
in this silent melody

this song is sung in multi tone
one person sings the first line then the other person prefereably a little deeper sings the next and so on through out the whole song

crit 4 crit
Last edited by Scarcity at Aug 14, 2006,
#2
Our future is our past
It only gets better
the slower you walk
the faster you fall
the sooner you'll get up wow good lines got me to read on and to think, so i like it

i've been waiting for you
hoping someday
i can take youre hand
making you mine
for no one else to keep
breathing some life
into my fake reality
now nothing can take
this dream from me
feeling the time passing through our veins not as good but now i know what ur talking about so still good, and can relate to, as many, so even better

Just sit down and listen
feel the pain of war
grow old and sing
a silent melody
as death taps on youre shoulder
think "now that i'm older
i cant be beat"
"i didnt waste my time
starring at my feet" umm... its good but now i dont know what its about...????...sorry but kinda disliked the ending, dont like the image of staring at my feet i guess, dont know

i've been waiting for you
hoping someday
i can take youre hand
making you mine
for no one else to keep
breathing some life
into my fake reality
now nothing can take
this dream from me
feeling the time passing through our veins

When you grow old
show the pain of war
when youre gone
youre life will still go on
you'll be alive
in this silent melody good ending, loved it

overall great song, what is it

another crit back?
#3
i like it, its different, but i still like it, im not sure if i like how it will be sang though....but when you record this i would love to hear it..."breathing some life into my fake reality" i really liked that line, it was great....well i dont have much else to say other then i liked it.....if you get the chance can you crit my latest song, Seven Years.....link is in my sig...thanks....
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#4
ofcourse i love criting work and getting it back thanks. and on the starring at feet part yeah i really want to either change it or lose it i'm open to suggestions
#5
'think "now that i'm older
i cant be beat
i didnt waste my time
sitting in a seat"'

bad sugestion, its the best i can think of that follows the rhyme

look at another of mine man?
#6
i've looked at all and left something for all except the poem and flatline their on my to do list. i think i'll just cut it out all together
#7
I thought it was good. I loved the line "just sit down and listen feel the pain of war", its nice and simple sounding but is extremely effective. as for the last part, wandering the streets? at all those sunday retreats? i dont know, its probably fine with justt i can't be beat. heres a link to one of mine you can crit if you want
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=413031
#8
oh dear, thats nice, and the technique is interesting, as someone said above i would love to hear that. Looks soo0o0o romantic