#1
I'm on my knees
this house is on fire
i'm pleading
theres no time for this ring
you start running
but i just couldnt care

you need it
just as much as the next girl
you want to be held
you want to live youre life
but youre afraid
afraid to lose it
live on the edge
theirs a better chance of life

the doors are locked
tis ring is melting
you open a window and jump
what does it mean a simple circle
theres a better chance of life through the window
it can bind hearts together
the house is burning down


you need it
just as much as the next girl
you want to be held
you want to live youre life
but youre afraid
afraid to lose it
live on the edge
theirs a better chance of life

i'll go down in these flames
go down with my contract
on my finger
i hope youll save yours
i'll visit you while you sleep
it will be our connection
it's all in a simple ring

crit fo crit follks
#2
PLEASE Read the FAQs, one song per day, two per week. They are stickied at the top of the forum
#4
I'm on my knees
this house is on fire
i'm pleading
theres no time for this ring
you start running
but i just couldnt care
Every line here just feels disjointed in a bad way. There's no rhyme and there's too much variance in syllable count from one line to the next. It might read differently to you, but you have to maybe implement some kind of structure so it reads smoothly for other people.
Content. It's okay. It's heartfelt but it's not imaginitive or expressed all that spectactularly. Sometime's there's merit in stating things plainly, but I don't see that here. "This house is on fire" - okay, it's a metaphor, maybe for a built-up relationship collapsing in, going to the ground, whatever. But try to be more descriptive, is all I'm saying.
"but i jut couldn't care" - again, it's stated maybe a little too plainly. You could try to represent your apathy/lack of caring through the fact that maybe you're not 'running', whereas s/he is. You could contrast with the 'flames' by saying something like 'I stand frozen' etc. Something basically along those lines, I guess.


you need it
just as much as the next girl
you want to be held
you want to live youre life
but youre afraid
afraid to lose it
live on the edge
theirs a better chance of life
The first "Youre" is wrong. Should be "your". Okay, you've used a common metaphor for an unsettled life with "the edge", maybe in contrast to that you should use another metaphor or simile in place of "be held, life your live", etc. If you're going to contrast, then contrast metaphor with metaphor, rather than metaphor with plain statement, as you've done here.
Again, no rhyme, the flow sucks. Try similar syllable counts. Or at least have pattern or design behind the dissimilarities in syllable counts between lines. It's just random the way you have it now...


the doors are locked
tis ring is melting
you open a window and jump
what does it mean a simple circle
theres a better chance of life through the window
it can bind hearts together
the house is burning down
Okay the window thing isn't bad. You're really diving into and extending the metaphor here; using the 'burning house' to tell the story. This is good. Try to do this more and in more creative ways.
More spelling mistakes! Again, syllable count could be better. The flow when read is just awful as it is...



you need it
just as much as the next girl
you want to be held
you want to live youre life
but youre afraid
afraid to lose it
live on the edge
theirs a better chance of life

i'll go down in these flames
go down with my contract
on my finger
i hope youll save yours
i'll visit you while you sleep
it will be our connection
it's all in a simple ring
Meh you're repeating flames. It was an okay metaphor to begin with, but try to be creative, imaginitve or descriptive with it. There are a million other words you could use to signify flames. Try a thesaurus. Broaden the diction. Your ideas aren't bad, using the ring as the symbol of whatever your connection with this person is. It's probably a clichéd idea; it's certainly been done before, but it's not bad.

Maybe next time try to extend the metaphors further. Try to do more than just state things in language as plain as you did here. Use less commonplace words if you want to display a more concise or specific meaning. Try using a thesaurus to find the specific word that really hits the nail on the head for what you're trying to say. Of course to do that you need to first be sure of *what* you want to say, to do have a good think about that. Take the time to collect your emotions and thoughts before you go writing them down in a passion or anything. Wordsworth's definition of poetry: "the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings from emotions recollected in tranquility".
Also; read more; it'll improve your spelling and vocabulary.
Hope I've been of some help! Ro
ρ
Last edited by scousertommy at Aug 14, 2006,