#1
I just wrote this piece today, not too long ago but I have revised it and it's come to be how it is now. I know that this song (or poem) sounds really choppy, but I aim for my writing to be at least somewhat choppy. Here goes:

Sympathetic dyslexia.
Psychopathic insomnia.
Twisted tongue twisters.
Sleep-induced thoughts.
Anesthesia needles
Protruding from arteries.
Compassionate words.
Sorrowful headaches.

Growing pains?
Yes, growing pains.

Summertime sunsets:
Vivid; colourful;
From a distance.
Beautiful.
Spoon fed,
Lacking calcium.
Picking scabs.
Discoloured blood.

Growing pains?
Yes, growing pains.

Graphic details.
Concave faces.
Limbless; hopeless;
Stripped down.
Pathologic friendships.
Diseases.
Medical syringes
In your memory.

Growing pains?
Yes, growing pains.


There you have it, my latest piece of work. Now I know it's kinda hard to understand, but it basically about growing accustomed to change and accepting things that happen even if you don't want to. There's more to it than that, but I suppose a basic idea should be sufficient.
Last edited by Tsunoyukami at Aug 14, 2006,
#2
it sucked you should die.

no im just kidding i cant understand some of ur big words (guess i deserve it for only passing grade 8) but other then that i got the message. if more people have the same problem as me might want to consider using small simple words.
#3
Haha, sorry about that. I was actually looking to use some larger words in a piece because everything else I write felt too simple. Most of the larger terms are medical references and sciences in general use large terms for the simplest things. Thanks for the input though.
#4
A very very interesting piece of writing this. I'm not sure if I love it or hate it.

I really loved the third stanza, if you were going for good times suddenly bad sort of feel, you naile dit, because that stanza changes from something beatiful to scabs and discoloured blood, it had quite a big impact asit came up suddenly.

Okay, I like it. I don't think I can really add much to change it, seeing as you yourself know th emeaning, just make sure everything is tied to that, and it doesn't go off topic to what you want it to be. Other than that, good job.

If you feel like critiquing back, my latest is in my sig. Many thanks.
#5
interesting, i never read something similar, oh btw, are you planning to be a doctor????? lol, just joking.I also agree with the dude above( Jammy) about the 3rd part, its the best i think. And eem, maybe if you put that piece on the music it will be cool, cause it sounds weird as a poem, you know.And also i like the title for it
anyways, wish to see some other of your work peace
#6
Firstly, I beleive I have posted a comment about your latest Jammy, and I quite enjoyed it. Thanks for the positive feedback.

And no, I don't plan on being a doctor (even though I hear they get a nice paycheck). I don't actually hold any excessive interest in any form of medical attention, though it does seem to be an interesting topic.

I do have music to it, but I'm in a process of recording all the song's I've written in the past month or so that I like. I've been on an upward slope in my writing this summer and I've found that excessive use of my capo is extremely fun. Thanks for the comments, and when I get a decent recording of my songs down, I'll post them too.
#7
that was freakin amazing. the only part i wasn't amazed at was the last verse, which was still pretty cool anyways. youre the man.
I've seen emo-er.


Member of the "I am a Fan of Gaycore Wrestle-Metal" Fanclub.
#8
This is only my second piece up here and I'm afraid my other work falls short of this piece, though I'm quite fond of some others. Though I can't believe you're singing such praise for my poem I would like to thank you kindly. Also, are there any other pieces that anyone would like me to take a look at? I'm more than willing to take a read at anything that you would like critiqued.