#1
as usual crit mine and i'll crit yours

so forget whats going on
and come along and see
no regrets will follow you
but mine still follow me

a million dreams surround my head
and i cant chase them away
a thousand words come out my mind
still lost for things to say

dont speak too soon
beacause you never know
if it will leave you standing here
just for today

so take the rest of what is left
and keep it away from us
keep it locked up for yourself
until you've had enough

a million dreams have drowned my head
and now my mind has gone to waste
a thousand words have slipped away
but i'll hear them again some day

dont speak so soon
because you never know
if it will leave you standing
here alone
dont come too close just for today
#3
hm,okay
the rhyming is rather familiar, i usually use it too ABAB.....but then you just break it!
The first verse is like super rhyming. The second isnt flowing at well, what if you will change it somewhat like that? :
A million of dreams surround all my head
and i cant chase away
A thousands of words came out of my mind
still lost for things to say.

what do you think? nevermind, its just a small correction for the better flow.
the third verse isnt also rhyming....fourth and the rest verses, i donno, maybe the rhyming isnt great and maybe there is something with a flow, but actually i noticed that it always sounds better as im reading it over and over again, maybe it was just the wrong way i was reading it?......but another one thing i can say for sure is the ending....it is somewhat incomplete, i always get the feeling that you didnt finish it.....
so anyways, keep on writing, i know, it wasnt a really nice crit of mine
peace
#4
hey mate, im doing your full crit right now and hoping my computer doesnt keep freezing, but meanwhile, can you check out mine? its the first link in my sig.
thx and stand by for my edit.
#5
so forget whats going on
and come along and see
no regrets will follow you
but mine still follow me

Great start, nothing wrong with it..

a million dreams surround my head
and i cant chase them away
a thousand words come out my mind
still lost for things to say

Not bad, but could benefit from tightening it up.. "a million dreams surround my head/ I can't chase them away/ a thousand words from my mind/ still lost for things to say" maybe.. idk, just for the sake of flowing...

dont speak too soon
beacause you never know
if it will leave you standing here
just for today

Here, I think the last line throws it off, just too short. (unless you're doing a poem, is this a song or a poem?) I like the message of this one though.

so take the rest of what is left
and keep it away from us
keep it locked up for yourself
until you've had enough

Pretty good, nothing to suggest changing about it..

a million dreams have drowned my head
and now my mind has gone to waste
a thousand words have slipped away
but i'll hear them again some day

Not bad, I'm not big on the first line, but the rest is good.

dont speak so soon
because you never know
if it will leave you standing here alone (supposed to be like this?)
dont come too close just for today

Not bad, the last line seems a little off to me, but it conveys the thought.

Overall, I thought it was pretty good.. definitely a good read. I crit'd this as a song, but if it's a poem I take back some of my points about flow. The first part was perfect I think, one of the best opening lines to a piece I've read.. really got me interested in it. Keep up the good work..