#1
Pretty Close, To That

I?m stuck on a rock with you,
Pondering about just what I should do,
This situation with me and you is strange,

(Drums enter)

For three days I didn?t know your name,
But maybe that was just part of your game,
I don?t really know, what you want me to say,

Rivers formed in your eyes,
I went on down but to my surprise,
There were rocks in my way,
Oh how you love to play with my mind,

You had strength when I had none,
You had two stars when I had one,
I know it?s cliché but dammit it was fun,
Yeahh Yeahh Yeahh Yeahh,

(Solo)

Paddling down your liquid dreams is
So much harder than it might seem,
I never wanted to be just a memory
But we cant control time,

But from the beginning we were doomed,
Those five days ended much too soon,
You had your home and I had mine,


You had strength when I had none,
You had two stars when I had one,
I know it?s cliché but dammit it was fun,
Yeahh Yeahh Yeahh Yeahh,

Now all I have is the photographs,
To remember the thrills and the spills and the laughs,
I know I didn?t love you but I rekon it was
Pretty close, to that.
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
#2
The ending is very nicely worked. This is a piece I can invest emotion in. I love!

Is it just me or are there more than a couple of sexual references here, like, intentionally?

I've no real criticism to offer, sorry! I think there were one or two points where it felt like a whole line was missing, though, like immediately afer here:
"But from the beginning we were doomed,
Those five days ended much too soon,
You had your home and I had mine,
"

Anyway, yeah, I like this much.
Ro
ρ
#3
Greetings to you mc. Remember me?

Some of this was good, others not quite so. I believe the second and third stanzas have too much rhyme and it compromises the flow or fluency.

The 'liquid dreams' stanza is the best in my opinion. The one after was generally too bland.

I really like the 'I know it?s cliché but dammit it was fun', line; it really works for me.

Overall, OK. I think it would make a really good song, but lyrically it was kind of hit 'n' miss.

Cheers for now.


P.S. Here's to you for having 'Industrial Disease' in your signature mate. One of the Straits most underrated ones, if you ask me.
#4
yes i do remember both of you, it's been a while but i'm back!
thanks,

scouser; no the sexual reference was not intentional, but i know what you mean,

CJW; yeahh that's my fav. line too, and hell yeahh for industrial disease!!!

this was inspired by a girl i met on a five day canoe trip a couple of weeks ago that's what it's all about.

cheers guy, i will return the favour when i can, i have limited internet acces at home but school is starting again soon :p
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
#5
Quote by mcmeddesr
Pretty Close, To That

I?m stuck on a rock with you,
Pondering about just what I should do,
This situation with me and you is strange,

Ok to open the song up. Its nothing brilliant but its a bit differant in its own way.

(Drums enter)

For three days I didn?t know your name,
But maybe that was just part of your game,
I don?t really know, what you want me to say,

This is fine. Again, nothing amazing here, but it works. I like the way those first two stanzas go together though.

Rivers formed in your eyes,
I went on down but to my surprise,
There were rocks in my way,
Oh how you love to play with my mind,

I liked this until the last line, it seems like its missing something (not the writing but the sound). Maybe just me though.. The writing is fine.

You had strength when I had none,
You had two stars when I had one,
I know it?s cliché but dammit it was fun,
Yeahh Yeahh Yeahh Yeahh,

I would change "dammit it was fun" to "damn it was fun" to help the flow, but otherwise this is a pretty good chorus thingy.

(Solo)

Paddling down your liquid dreams is
So much harder than it might seem,
I never wanted to be just a memory
But we cant control time,

This is maybe my favorite part of the song. Im not sure what it is, but this something about the sound and the wording really gets my attention. I would change "it might seem" to "it seems" and move the is down a line for the flow, but its nothing major. Really cool stanza.

But from the beginning we were doomed,
Those five days ended much too soon,
You had your home and I had mine,

Good. Not really much I can say here.

You had strength when I had none,
You had two stars when I had one,
I know it?s cliché but dammit it was fun,
Yeahh Yeahh Yeahh Yeahh,

Now all I have is the photographs,
To remember the thrills and the spills and the laughs,
I know I didn?t love you but I rekon it was
Pretty close, to that.

I really like the way this ended it. It really gives the song its meaning and makes it complete.

Overall good writing. The differant stanzas and such really seem to complemetn each other. There is definitly room for improvement, but I would definitly hang on to this one.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=414947
Crit for crit? Thanks
#6
thanks sjada, i'll get onto yours
and i might change some of it,
yey first full crit since i came back!

anyhoo...
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
#7
Quote by mcmeddesr
Pretty Close, To That

I?m stuck on a rock with you,
Pondering about just what I should do,
This situation with me and you is strange,
Maybe you could make it "Pondering about just what I should do, This situation with me and you is strange, I'm stuck on a rock with you" This just seemed like you were giving away your best line in the opening too soon before.
(Drums enter)

For three days I didn?t know your name,
But maybe that was just part of your game,
I don?t really know, what you want me to say,
This good.

Rivers formed in your eyes,
I went on down but to my surprise,
There were rocks in my way,
Oh how you love to play with my mind,
This one seems a like it needs a bit more work just because it's a little sub-par with the rest of the song, but not by much.

You had strength when I had none,
You had two stars when I had one,
I know it?s cliché but dammit it was fun,
Yeahh Yeahh Yeahh Yeahh,
I thought the other person in the song was the one who was crying and upset, but you say "You had strength when I had none"?

(Solo)

Paddling down your liquid dreams is
So much harder than it might seem,
I never wanted to be just a memory
But we cant control time,
Sexual referance?

But from the beginning we were doomed,
Those five days ended much too soon,
You had your home and I had mine,
I almost want to hear one more line on this one, but it's good otherwise.

You had strength when I had none,
You had two stars when I had one,
I know it?s cliché but dammit it was fun,
Yeahh Yeahh Yeahh Yeahh,

Now all I have is the photographs,
To remember the thrills and the spills and the laughs,
I know I didn?t love you but I rekon it was
Pretty close, to that.
The ending is great, I think this is the line or phrase that got you started? The bit about I know I didn't love you but it was pretty close to that?


Not bad at all
#8
thanks maj,
no it wasn't a sexual reference but all my friends thought the same thing when they saw it, hmmm...

i'll think about what you said.

anyhoo...
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
#9
Ah, slightly more refreshing than a couple of songs I've read through tonight.

To be honest, I liked this. Everything negative I could have said has already been pointed out, I just wanted to re-iterate scousertommy and CJW on there thoughts, and say that this was a good read and would make a good song.

Keep it up.