#1
with what i have understood i can post a short story. if i am wrong-

i am embarressed. well, what the hell. (i didnt see anything about it in the FAQ btw.)

like the Thread's Title.....the story is named "A World" here it goes-

A World.
A world that is big and vile.
Daniel speaks when my mouth is closed, and she's telling me of her world. A really big world filled with green pastures with a shade of grey. And it's filled with violence. And people don?t have mouth's just big holes in the middle of their faces that shout out lies whenever they want to make an announcement.
"Don?t tell me anymore." I don?t want her to make me cry
"I don?t want to make you cry"
"You can't make me cry"
"I can, when ever I wanna, I can just walk out on you, and get the feeling that you're crying, and I can sense it like I felt that you were in trouble that day."

"Get down from the roof and leave me alone, Daniel; I don?t want to talk to you any longer"
"Why?"
"You make my life seem ignorant, insufficient and just plain dumb."
I looked at that trembling-late-noon sky, and I thanked god for the ability of seeing colors. That way I can tell that the sky is blue.
Daniel took her soft hard palm and rested it surely on my quivering one.
She looked at me staring at mid-air. But I wasn?t drowsing, I was running from her eyes. She pulled away her hand from mine. And tears came to my eyes
My lips were cold and I shook in my clothes, as if my body didn?t affect them to shake with him.
Tears came to her as well, and I was so glad they did, because I didn?t knew what would happen if I'd brake down in front of her alone.
"What? please tell me what is it that you feel"
"I feel like letting go" the words slurped out of mouth like they were waiting on hold for jumping out all of my life.
"I feel like letting go"
"Don?t ever let go, it's too boring up here on this old wooden rooftop without you!" she crumbled. "don?t leave me here, can you here me? Don?t ever leave me here again! I can't make it around here"

She was right. She couldn?t make it here even if she wanted to.
She is too big for this world. The world doesn?t deserve her. And she would die before she would be murdered by this big fat vile world
...And The Nominees Are
#2
You are possibly one of my favorite pit-goers so here you go, a fullish crit that will hopefully help you pull the story together more. And of course short stories are welcome here

A World.
A world that is big and vile.
to put it bluntly, this opening sucks, just delete these two lines and start with 'Daniel speaks'

Daniel speaks when my mouth is closed, and she's telling me of her world. A really big world [find a synonym for world here] filled with green pastures [insert a verb such as 'drenched' here, as is it doesnt really make that much gramattical sense] with a shade of grey. And it's filled with violence. And people don?t have mouth's, just big holes in the middle of their faces that shout out lies [the word lies is always cliche, you cant escape that, so use a synonym or even better, symbolism whenever they want to make an announcement. this last little bit of this paragraph has flow issues, i think it might be that 'announcement' has to many sylabbles?
"Don?t tell me anymore." I don?t want her to make me cry
"I don?t want to make you cry"
"You can't make me cry"
"I can, when ever I wanna, I can just walk out on you, and get the feeling that you're crying, and I can sense it like I felt that you were in trouble that day."
Nice little bit, simplistic and powerful, it actually reminds me alot of what I do in my dialogue

"Get down from the roof and leave me alone, Daniel; I don?t want to talk to you any more "
"Why?"
"You make my life seem ignorant, insufficient and just plain dumb."
I like the voice your trying to put in here but this line just doesnt cut it, I think it also has to do with the untimate cliche in 'life' that sucks my interest out before I even read the rest]

I looked at that trembling-late-noon sky, and I thanked god for the ability of seeing colors. That way I can tell that the sky is blue. [damn, this is seriously sounding alot like my prose, and thats a good thing haha]
Daniel took her soft hard palm and rested it surely on my quivering one.[replace 'one' with something obscure like 'quivering voice' or something, it would make it more interesting]
She looked at me staring at mid-air [this sounds awkward] . But I wasn?t drowsing,uh, this isnt a word I was running from her eyes. She pulled away her hand from mine. And tears came to my eyes [there was no need for a full stop here]
My lips were cold and I shook in my clothes, as if my body didn?t affect them to shake with him.
Tears came to her as well, and I was so glad they did, because I didn?t knew what would happen if I'd brake down in front of her alone.
"What? please tell me what is it that you feel"
"I feel like letting go" the words slurped out of mouth like they were waiting on hold for jumping out all of my life.
"I feel like letting go"
"Don?t ever let go, it's too boring up here on this old wooden rooftop without you!" she crumbled. "don?t leave me here, can you here me? Don?t ever leave me here again! I can't make it around here"

She was right. She couldn?t make it here even if she wanted to.
She is too big for this world. The world doesn?t deserve her. And she would die before she would be murdered by this big fat vile world

honestly, this was brilliant, excelletn job, I have no criticism to give to the rest, I hope to see you around S&L more often, you got some talent man


if you wanna return: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=413663
#3
This is one of the best i have seen on UG as of yet. Although there are a few changes that could be changed, this is still a great piece of writing.

"A world that is big and vile."- I would replace another word for big.

"A really big world filled with green pastures with a shade of grey"- insert a verb after green or before green

""Don?t tell me anymore." I don?t want her to make me cry"- Personally i would take out "i dont want to make her cry" because basically you say the same thing below.

"Get down from the roof and leave me alone, Daniel; I don?t want to talk to you any longer"- I would add something like broken-down rusted roof. or something like that

"And she would die before she would be murdered by this big fat vile world" I dont like this ending just change the "big fat" part.

All together. this was a really goood piece of writing. Hope to see some more
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#4
Thanks for the crit guys, i'll be sure to edit it and earn some minimal lesson.

Quote by #1 synth
But I wasn?t drowsing,uh, this isnt a word


umm, yes it is Drowsing
...And The Nominees Are
#8
I liked it, prose and stories are my forte, and I really liked this. However it's not enough! Haha, both in terms of length and filler, though. I think it would work great as a feature length piece of work, but also, I feel the idea needs to be expanded and revised in this writing as well. I like your style, but there are parts where I feel more information and more writing could be of help Good job =]
Quote by Kensai
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#9
thanks- i dont know why i've always tried to avoid long stories-
my guess is-
i dont have the time, or i am afraid that the good writing will finally fade away and the concept will be lost, that why i love getting siked in short stories...
...And The Nominees Are
#10
Quote by jagstang270
^Oh no...if you think you can add something...just go ahead!....

Well, if you insist...
I think part of the problem is that it's way too literal. For exmple in the little opener, you need to put it in a more interesting way, how to do this you can decide for yourself but it's just really bland and boring to be honest.

Now, in short stories usually there's not nearly as many metaphors used but i still believe that they are a big key to writing an interesting piece. If you not only use them, but use interesting metaphors, you're onto a winner.

So, as an overview, it's bland, and needs work on imagery and wording.