#1
A man in a trenchcoat
walks up to her door
he knocks on it
she opens it and
he bursts on through
with barrel to her face
gets on her knees
get me outta this place

when the world is like
an old cloudless stream
running full of decay
violence, and greed

A old, lonely man
Walks onto his job
they treat him like
he was a child
they make him do
mindnumbing tasks
his life is like
a deck of cards
you can only stack
so high before
it will collapse

when the world is like
an old cloudless stream
running full of decay
violence, and greed

A woman who had
all the money she needs
buys herself
everything she doesnt
so many people die
but at her defense
she just bought
a brand new scent

when the world is like
an old cloudless stream
running full of decay
violence, and greed

People will die
and more will too
unless some one can
fix the our world
Last edited by Stairwaytofloyd at Aug 15, 2006,
#2
Wow. Breathtaking, in my opinion. The only thing i can say is to make this one part flow better, instead of "so she can wear a new scent" try "A brand new scent", now i dont know what it sounds like with music and it might work the way it is. but when reading it, i thin kthat would flow a little bit better
#4
It kind of reads like a rap song. The only I did not like was

A woman who had
all the money she needs
buys herself
everything she doesnt
so many people die
at her expense
so she can wear
a new scent


I really can not think of that happening much. Anyways besides that you wrote the song that I have tried and failed to do. Nice work man I like it.

can you check out my song Dark Cloud? Its a thread below this one.
#5
That verse was meant to be about how people with a lot of money, are spending it on items that are not really needed for them. There are people out in the world, that can use the money to get food or shelter, they she spent it on pearls and perfumes.
#6
Yeah, I kind of got that but it sounded a little like she gets stuff from people who make it and they die. But myabe I read it wrong.
#7
I'd agree with above. The rich lady verse is def. the weakest link, maybe it's just the last four lines in it. Also, what is an old trotted stream??

Feel free to crit any in my sig..
#9
this is really beautiful.. anyway the verse about the rich lady is very good I think. But the people who don't like it, I don't think they get it. It's about how unfair the money is devided over the people in this world.