#1
Well, two in two days, i just thought... ah what the hell
I'm hoping this is more up to standard than i have been of late. I'm also hoping that i've edited it enough from its original state! Well, whatever, here goes:

Rambler?s Diary

The crimson sky bellowed with a roar that shook my ears. Its gaze mastered a delicate touch of essence on my callused skin and loathed the way it masked my presence. Like the protruded glass of the sun, mirrored my daze, the rush of sand, drew my breaths slowly.

Satan?s highway looked baron in comparison, although I was hardly in a position to choose. The Authority?s wonderland spat me out with a roar of refusal. The rest renounced my passport; left me a stranded wanderer asking the same old query, every same old light.

He cast my shadow, yet he wouldn?t shield my soul. His same crimson azure sighed of heavy tribulation, but yet didn?t hesitate to strike me down to the grains of sand, which occupied my mouth.

What a shitty day.
Last edited by caz_guitar_dude at Aug 15, 2006,
#2
Quote by caz_guitar_dude
Well, two in two days, i just thought... ah what the hell
I'm hoping this is more up to standard than i have been of late. I'm also hoping that i've edited it enough from its original state! Well, whatever, here goes:

Rambler?s Diary

The crimson sky bellowed with a roar that shook my ears. Its gaze mastered a delicate touch of essence on my callused skin and loathed the way it masked my presence. Like the protruded glass of the sun, mirroring my daze, the rush of sand, drawing my breaths slowly.

Love the use of "loathed" here. I think "The rush of sand" doesn't really fit and feels unnnecesary. What's with all the crimson lately :P Really strong start, good stuff. Although I think "drawing" is in the wrong tense I believe it should be "drew" to keep with the past tense you have already put in.

Satan?s highway looked baron in comparison, although I was hardly in a position to choose. The Authority?s wonderland spat me out like a bad chunk of meat. The rest renounced my passport; left me a stranded wanderer asking the same old query, every same old light.

Excellent writing.

He cast my shadow, yet he wouldn?t shield my soul. His same crimson azure sighed of heavy tribulation, but yet didn?t hesitate to strike me down to the grains of sand, which occupied my mouth.

Here I think you've gone for a just too poetic finish to what has been (what I think) a very strong piece of prose. I think the tone just goes slightly off course form th elast two stanzas. but still, nice wrting.

What a shitty day.


And nice end :p

I really like this one caz, very nice writing, excellent stuff, and maybe you've opened up a new locker of skills you can now use in the future.

Great stuff.
#3
Cheers JD mate.
Glad you like it; it's relieving to hear, i did think this was much better.

Thanks.
#4
Lots of good writing here.

I think that 'bad chunk of meat' in the second stanza stands out 'like a sore thumb'. It certainly doesn't seem to fit with the rest of this piece. The comma at the end of the third should be removed.

The ending I'm just not sure about. It is just the kind of evaluation you might expect from a weary rambler, but not from the person who wrote the previous three paragraphs. However, I'll leave that up to you to decide.
#5
Good imagery, first stanza last line though i woud lhave used breath in stead of breaths, tht's just me though.

The second stanza i didn't like as much. the spit me out like un wanted meat or wahtever i felt was interesting. I didn't really get it unless you are implying vegetarian or something and i totally missed it.

The last line i felt was boring, useless dumb. Any of a combination of thos words or words similar to them. sorry

Overall the piece was alright nothing to be astonished by in my opinion.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#6
I dont want to repeat what evryone else has been saying so I'll just say it was good, although a few parts could have used some work overall it was pretty original stuff. Other than that, theres nothing really I noticed that hasnt been said already.
#7
You have a really good knack for imagery. I know I am kind of saying what someone else has said before, but the ending just seems to stand out, but maybe it would be different with music. Thats the only thing I could say other than good writing.
#8
Now I'm no expert, but I liked this.

You used a wide array of words to effectively display what you wanted, and it shows in the writing as a whole. All the stanzas sound very well written and I don't think there should be any worry of any particular bits being out of place.

And that was a nice ending to an amazing piece.
#9
Thank you very much everyone. The comments are greatly appreciated. Do you have anything you want critted back?
#12
I dunno if this is supposed to be prose or just a more prosey kind of poetry?

The second two sentences of the first stanza don't seem to quite makes sense, to me. You use verbs but it's unclear whose actions those verbs are signifying...? Intentional? The sentence structure or something seems pretty fucked, like. It was a decent first stanza but a lot of the descriptions and stuff, like "Its gaze mastered a delicate touch of essence on my callused skin ", just made me think "wtf?". I guess that's just my fault though. I don't know what you're on about...
BTW 'crimson sky' feels way clichéd to me. I think it's horribly overused.

Do you mean to say "barren" or is that intentional? I guess it's good work if it is intentional, but maybe a bit...I dunno, cheesy or something. Cheap, maybe. Right, well it sounds like some kind of metaphorical 'banned from heaven!' type of deal is being dealt with here. If you are going with those kind of metaphors, I would recommend against coming right out with terms like "Satan".

Well it seems like a pretty good descriptive piece, with a lot of depth (more than *I* could really fathom, anyway). You're treading in slightly clichéd territory, as I see it. But you've tread reasonably carefully and avoided pitfalls, for the most part, I guess.
The sentiment I that vaguely percieve in this isn't really one I can personally sympathise with. So, with that taken into consideration, this is a good piece; one which I'm probably under-appreciative of. Thanks muchos for the comment on mine!
Ro
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#13
^ Both of those things you though might be intentional are, just to clear things up
But i don't think some of the parts you mentioned are cliched at all, except maybe crimson sky.
Anyway, thanks for the crit, seems like i've failed to crack Ro once more
#14
Well, yeah, anything other than the crimson sky part I thought was only slightly clichéd and even then maybe just thematically so...
Hehe don't feel bad, it's 'cause I basically suck at reading poetry.
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#15
Good imagery, I like it
epiphone LP Custom
No amp yet, I just got back in the game.
Had a Gibson LP Studio, Mex Tele, Mex Strat, Blues Deville, and mg50. But thanx to my lovely wife, not locking the door, they all vanished
#16


The crimson sky bellowed with a roar that shook my ears. Its gaze mastered a delicate touch of essence on my callused skin and loathed the way it masked my presence. Like the protruded glass of the sun, mirrored my daze, the rush of sand, drew my breaths slowly.

"delicate touch of essence" what a lovely description. Works very well here. Your imagery here is beautiful and really connects well with the reader. great opening.

Satan?s highway looked baron in comparison, although I was hardly in a position to choose. The Authority?s wonderland spat me out with a roar of refusal. The rest renounced my passport; left me a stranded wanderer asking the same old query, every same old light.

I love the bit where yuou say "although I was hardly in a position to choose" thats awesome. Again, lovely imagery. nothnig to crit.

He cast my shadow, yet he wouldn?t shield my soul. His same crimson azure sighed of heavy tribulation, but yet didn?t hesitate to strike me down to the grains of sand, which occupied my mouth.

What a shitty day.

The ending line here is a great contrast and really rounds the piece off nicely IMO. Sorry I can't think of mcuh to say on this I really like the way it sounds. You have good style
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