#1
Hardly a charmer, this one. Leave a link, if you want.
How f*cking annoying is that mosquito advert at the top of the page?
---------------------------

The way of my character
is to be
alone.

I always enjoyed having friends;
and the sense of achievement they bring;

But as I became adult
I inevitably lost
my childhood desires;
and I felt discomfort with company.

An emotional silencing within me
solidified an internal
mind of glass;

I learnt how to know people
without permitting them to know me.

Thus my mind grew its defence:
a friendly smile behind a wall of bone.

now my lover
is my sole companion;
his wife being
a suitable barrier

between us.
#2
Quote by CJW
Hardly a charmer, this one. Leave a link, if you want.
How f*cking annoying is that mosquito advert at the top of the page?
---------------------------

The way of my character
is to be
alone.

Great word placement and a nice flow to the opener.

I always enjoyed having friends;
and the sense of achievement they bring;

But as I became adult
I inevitably lost
my childhood desires;
and I felt discomfort with company.

I do love your simplistic, flowing style.

An emotional silencing within me
solidified an internal
mind of glass;

Nice.

I learnt how to know people
without permitting them to know me.

Great.

Thus my mind grew its defence:
a friendly smile behind a wall of bone.

Again, good.

now my lover
is my sole companion;
his wife being
a suitable barrier

between us.

Smashing, again some fine word placement, with the break done perfectly.


Ha, such a lame crit because you're such a good writer of this style, and you've nailed it once more. Top drawer stuff, keep it coming.
#3
You know, your writing is so hard to pin so to speak. Normally i'd slam your kind of style for being too plain and lacking imagery and metaphors but no.

I can't quite say how or why but the way you write makes it impossible for me to say those kind of things. It justs works so well. Lucky for you i guess!

However i would suggest you try different types of writing and experiment. It's really great fun and it brings good variety to your writing.

Good stuff anyhoo.

Fancy a look at my latest please?
#4
"An emotional silencing within me
solidified an internal
mind of glass;"

Shouldn't it be an emotional silence. i dunno that'just my opinion it read kind of weird as silencing.

i liked the end, a nice little twist. I think made it some sort of homosexual relationship. Atleast i keep imagining you as a male anyways though. the piece was good. I liked that last two stanzas the most though.


And i use mozilla and that allows me to block any of those annoying ads that they have at the top so i don't really have any ads on my UG pages. also don't you think it's time to change that avatar?

Thanks for checking my piece out, i know it's been a long time.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#5
BUMP

will get around to this later,
and yeahh the mosquito thing sucks ass!
Check out my band Spin-Offs
Comfort and Biscuits and Pineapple Juice now on my profile.
Any feedback appreciated

Quote by uk.mace
That's brilliant!


GO HUGS THREAD!!!
#6
Cheers to you guys, it's very much appreciated.

Further - I think I'll leave it as ''silencing'', 'cause I'm sure that's how I meant it.
I'll leave it up to you about whether the author is male or female.
#8
Thank you caz, with the silencing bit. It's referring to something that happens, you see, not an existing problem.
#9


The way of my character
is to be
alone.

The separation of these onto the 3 lines is interesting. I love the way you open with a single sentence as employ it for a whole stanza. It's mysterious and really gets accross the point of being "alone". One solitary sentence does this well. Good opening.

I always enjoyed having friends;
and the sense of achievement they bring;

Still keeping this theme of solidarity... works well. However it seems kind of contradictory to the previous bit about being alone...

But as I became adult
I inevitably lost
my childhood desires;
and I felt discomfort with company.

This seems kinda narrative, rather than the quiet style you've had up til now. I like your meaning but the style is kinda bland IMO.

An emotional silencing within me
solidified an internal
mind of glass;

This is better; love it.

I learnt how to know people
without permitting them to know me.

Thus my mind grew its defence:
a friendly smile behind a wall of bone.

The interjectory breaks between these 2 sentences really strengthens this idea and really enforces a kind of sadness in it. I feel all reading it lolol.

now my lover
is my sole companion;
his wife being
a suitable barrier

between us.

This is a really intriguing ending; the entry of this new character so late on in the piece is a very clever technique and I'm pleased to say works very well here. Lovely ambiguity here at the end.

And this is nothing to do with anything in this piece at all but I jsut remembered what i wanted to tell you and yeahh I'll put it here. Well... you know how you've always had a Peter Crouch avatar and stuff? Yeah well I imagine you to look like him.

Haha that is all.

Good piece.

Alice.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"