#1
I usually write poetry, so I decided to break from my usual style and write a love song.

I said ?I love you?, and you smiled,
And you slapped your lips upon mine
And we fell about laughing like fresh young lovers.
As you should do when you?re our age,
Living for casual sex and the watershed
Instead you stumble into love and, well, you?re fucked.

?If you must walk me home, and squeeze my hand
And hold me for ?just five more minutes? at the door
Then please tell me, what's in it for me, I?d really like to know
Not just your clever humour, although it?s entertaining enough?.

I said ?I love you?, and she blinked,
Grinned and put a finger to my lips
Then hid behind a locked bathroom door
Admittedly nervous, I went downstairs and waited
Waited, some television passed the time away
?Til she hung round the doorframe in some skimpy negligee

?If we must have sex more than twice in a night,
And more than once a week,
Then tell me sweetheart, what?s in it for me?
You know I love you, you said it first, but I do all the same
But I?m not ready for ?I do?s? just yet?.

I said ?I love you?, and she winced,
Put a finger to my lips,
Ushering me downstairs and straight out the front door
Admittedly excited, there I waited,
Unperturbed by the pouring rain and the cutting wind
And when the house light dimmed I stuck around still more.

?You know I love you, but it?s not you, it?s me, you know it?s me.
My love, what?s in it for me?
If you?re willing, we can make it work, but please have an open mind
You see? I knew you wouldn?t mind?.

I said ?I love you?, slightly nervous,
Because now I know what ?open minded? means
And threesome and foursome and so on
I?m too to proud to play
Some seedy, sleazy teenage game
But love wills and must and wins through
I?ll do just as I?m told to do.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#2
so this song is about a guy not wanting to have sex with a girl... then not wanting to have a threesome. im sure alot of guys know exactly what you mean (sarcasm)

its good but appeals to a very small crowd. if thats how you feel, rock on. writing music is about what YOU feel though, alot of people forget that. im glad some people still write honestly

P.S. i wouldnt call it a love song though its kinda sad, to me anyways.
#3
Thanks, but you are totally wrong. Read it again, bearing in mind that the 'speech' parts are the voice of the woman.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#5
Good stuff.

Very nice imagery, you really connect well with the reader in this piece, especially in the first stanza or two.

I would comment more fully, but it's kinda late.. plus I generally love your pieces anyway, and there's probably not much can find wrong with this, at least on a brief read or two. I may get back to this tomorow and provide you with something better if you're struggling for crits.

And it would be more motivation for me to get back to this if you could comment on my newest, "Blind is Just an Excuse". It should be in my sig
#6
I was also confused by who was saying the speech parts in the first bit. The second line is a little odd I found, about slapping lips. Sorry for the short crit. Have to go.
#7
Pretty cool. I noticed a poeticness to the writing that kind of suggests your more used to poetry than lyrics, but it was good. Very dark for a love song though.
#9
This is great...it's very realistic, too. The way love seems like a 'matter of course' thing at the beginning and each person gets really excited, but it wanes eventually because only one of you was really in love in the first place.
Kinda sad, but love aint always happy!
"He has a woman's name and wears makeup. How original."
--Alice Cooper, on Marilyn Manson.
#10
Reminds me of that Brand New song, Sic Transit Gloria.

This is really good, almost professional sounding. It seems like you really combed over it, but you didn't sterilize it in the process. I hate to sound like I'm kissing ass out of laziness, but this is very well-written.

"Because now I know what ?open minded? means
And threesome and foursome and so on"

I had to go back over that a few times to get it. I really wasn't expecting underage orgies to come up . Clever indeed.
-Landon
#11
I really liked this song. It was really more like a story and I was able to get into it. The way you wrote it I thought was very good and very original. Keep it up.

Crit mine please

Roadmap
#12
Yes, I promised a crit back, but on re-reading I still can't find anything I don't like about this.

So, keep it going, and keep providing these awesome reads, because I ove your writing. Nuff said.
#13
Cheers Jamie. Much appreciated. Mars, I will take a peek in due course. Also thanks to Sid; by the by it was pretty much just written in one sitting and posted. And thanks to Tobias, and welcome, as I do believe that you're new.

And Jamie, there are lots more. In fact, as soon as I'm allowed, My Second Love Song will be posted.
"You can never quarantine the past."