#1
Something a bit different, I'd love for you if you told me I pulled it off.

Critique for critique.

Enjoy

EDIT: It's not a song :P For once...


The searing sun sets on the horizon, the darkness moves in and stalks it's way through the twisting streets. The relentless pulsating of house music pounds away, swirling like a mist in the evening air. Razor sharp shards of glass litter the lonesome roads, smashed via the hands of some half-drunken teenage yob. Weeks of neglect to the city streets leave behind a sore sight, as waste from the overspew of pubs finds it's way to the edge of the kerb. The foul stench of cigarette smoke carelessly mixed with alcohol scar the carbon air. The disintegration of society lies all around, as the realisation that you may have just thrown away a good portion of your life suddenly shocks your system, blowing the fuse.

Love is blind, they say.

I say that's just an excuse for leading you down the wrong sodding alley time after time.

From now on, I'll use my own eyes, thanks.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 15, 2006,
#2
Fantastically English. Love the descriptions, imagery etc. "Half-drunken teenage yob" - great, you do a sterling job at creating a great picture.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#3
i like it

i think it would sound good if you spoke the words in the song with cool guitar in the background rather than sing it. i feel like those lyrics would be in a sonic youth song.
#4
It's good, but a bit too conversational to be lyrical or poetic. Excellent and appropriate use of description though, it's very vivid and individual.
Encore God & Asomodai- UG JHS Brotherhood

Encore God: fighting UG Zeppelin-centrism since 2002.
#5
i love it. the words are really rhythmic. and i like how you didn't use stanzas. but the line "The disintegration of society lies all around" is a bit typical. Try to stay away from lines like "the world sucks." But i really love it.
#6
I love this, though I don't think you're putting it to music if it isn't a song...but anyways.

I've found that there are several attention catching phrases in this piece and that is definatley a good thing. The images this poem instills in my brain are very vivid yet it almost paints itself as a black and white photo of what you've described (which is not a bad thing).

The ending really pulls the knot tight on this piece and locks it into place.
#7
uh... i didnt really like it, sorry. I assume this was your intention but all you do is list and list and list and list different statements that though paint a way-too-vivid picture have nothing behind them, no emotion, no substance really IMHO. You also rape the word 'the'. now I'm being a hypocrit here because half my newest piece starts with 'the' but I believe it is for different reasons. I believe you are just utilizing 'the' because it is a simple sentence structure and easiest to pull off in prose while also sounding cohesive. I would like you to pull out some variation in some of your next pieces (I wanna see you continue to write in prose as I think you can grow exponentially by changing styles like that and I think you can do alot better than this)

However, I will say that I loved the themes here its just that the execution was too... bland?

Oh, and the ending was very well done, i loved it.

if you wanna: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=415442
#8
I'd just like to back up what the other guys have said here, in that the ending is good, but the big paragraph isn't quite right.

I think you've tried to hard on this one. Although each image is well-painted, you have put in too many descriptive words. E.g:

''The foul stench of cigarette smoke carelessly mixed with alcohol scar the carbon air.''

Could be...

''The stench of cigarette smoke mixed with alcohol scars the (suffocating) air.''

Don't get me wrong, this is a fine effort, with plenty of potential. You just need to keep working at theis particular style to get it, so keep trying mate.
#9
Quote by Jammydude44
Something a bit different, I'd love for you if you told me I pulled it off.

Critique for critique.

Enjoy

EDIT: It's not a song :P For once...
Right i'm going to pick this apart a bit...

The searing sun sets on the horizon Good opener., the darkness moves in and stalks it's way through the twisting streets Not very good, the darkness moving in and the twisting streets ruin it for me. . The relentless pulsating of house music pounds away Good, but i didn't like the fact that it "pounds away". , swirling like a mist in the evening air Ok. . Razor sharp shards of glass litter the lonesome roads, smashed via the hands of some half-drunken teenage yob Great stuff here. . Weeks of neglect to the city streets leave behind a sore sight, as waste from the overspew of pubs finds it's way to the edge of the kerb And again.. The foul stench of cigarette smoke carelessly mixed with alcohol scar the carbon air Ok.. The disintegration of society lies all around, as the realisation that you may have just thrown away a good portion of your life suddenly shocks your system, blowing the fuse. This needs to be changed i feel.

Love is blind, they say.

I say that's just an excuse for leading you down the wrong sodding alley time after time.

From now on, I'll use my own eyes, thanks.
The ending was ok.

Right as a whole, it's quite well written but it's horribly dis-jointed. That was it's problem, and on that problem i agree with snythy pirate but i don't agree with him when he says it was bland; i don't really think it was. There were bits of dodgy writing here and there but there is in any piece and it can be salvaged, it's just how dis-jointed it was.


On the whole though, a good first effort at this style.
#10
Thanks alot everyone,I think it must have been a first attempt at writing like this, something I can work on in the future.

I suppose the over-description was on purpose, but, yeh, I did use "the" too many times, and maybe I didn't get my emotion across in that opening stanza, although it was meant to be just an observational paragraph, and I hope everyone can see how it ties with the ending and maybe the situation I was in whilst writing that.

Anyways, thanks, andI'll try and get everyone back now..
#11
hey, a late crit here (hadnt seen this up)... I'll start with: I remember you told me to use more discriptive words, (on my The Other Side... project) and more metaphors and imagery. And you're right becouse I kinda just put it out there and it got boring. Now in this one I think you did the discriptive thing very very well. That first paragraph was very good, descriptively I mean. But I think it might be a little too much, like you were trying to get us to say "woah" and I was more like "damn I dont get it" (i'm in the US, we dont really understand English when spoken like that, at least not me i'm too... something ) But anyways i read it well and i got it. Like i said too descriptive. but, someone said that he disliked it becouse you list and list, obviously you cant do that in everything you write, but i actually like that in this one, although hes somewhat right, it almost only scratches the surface.

As for the second part, the three lines... brilliant, IMO. But although it does fit the first paragraph, I would have liked to see it like... with kind of a story, as in i get to know the character instead of the setting. You know what i mean? where i know who you are and then you're like "Love is blind..."

But overall i liked it, i dont have anything new you can crit, but i think this might be a return crit. (yeah thanx for your comments about my little series thing, we'll see what happens in part 3)
#12
ugh is the prose fad back on UG?

this is trite. prose usually is. try and organize your thoughts rather than list them. than make those thoughts line up together to form a thoughtful progression of ideas that relate to something.

my two cents

but i guess it's so short it's rather like one sense.

five senses

five senses cannot sense
the fact of our existence
and that's the only fact,
in fact there are no facts,
fax me a fact
#13
Cheers you two.

I don't see it as a fad. I was attempting to extend my abilities, explore my writing prowess. there's no probelm with prose, and it's allowed on this forum :P

But still, thanks for the advice. And the poem...
#14
Hmm, i don't thik he's exactly in the position to be talking about "fads" on UG; his new song's name is "Untitled"
#15
I actually liked the descriptions in the first paragraph and the way it makes you see things through your eyes. As Callum said, I didn't like the word "pulsating", it seems a bit out of context. Same with "Smashed via the hands...". I honestly did not like you using via there. The whole piece has a dreamlike quality but that words jolts me when I read it. It's a very hard-sounding word, and it sounds even worse after the great sounds you made with "sharp shards".

The ending is good though. Nice and strong and it gets the point you were trying to prove across. Good job.
#16
I really enjoyed this, I loved the great way you described everything. Although it doesn't seem anything like lyrics or a poem, but it still grabbed my attention and kept me reading. I can't think of anything to construct, and thanks for critting mine.
#17
Uh...

I'm sorry but I agree 100% with Synth. And he said everything I was going to say.

He has a habit of beating me into threads to do that...

I'll repay a crit on the next piece you post though, because now I feel bad.

The ending is absolutely excellent. I'd love to see more prose from you too. Maybe read some of Matt's, to help get an idea of how to 'do it.' Just don't talk about robots... And don't try to write anything like him in terms of imagery or anything. His style's very distinct and people will say you're ripping him off and then yell at me for this post...
#18
It's alright, but doesn't relaly stand out to me as something spectacular. Like pixiesfanyo said, you need to organise your thoughts rather than have them spilling out in any order. the "love is blind" thing is kinda cliched as well IMO.
Quote by Kensai
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#19
i think Jammy meant to use the love is blind cliche, right? "Love is blind, they say" he even says they say, i think he knows its cliche (no offence to Jallas, not trying to say youre wrong, but i feel jammy meant to use it)
#20
Meh, I just thought using the cliche and turning it round showed my feelings better.

Thanks all for your comments, they are greatly appreciated. I enjoyed writing in prose and I'll be hoping to improve.
#21
Quote by Jammydude44
Something a bit different, I'd love for you if you told me I pulled it off.

Critique for critique.

Enjoy

EDIT: It's not a song :P For once...


The searing sun sets on the horizon, the darkness moves in and stalks it's way through the twisting streets Nice use of imagery, the alliteration of "searing sun" is good. The relentless pulsating of house music pounds away, swirling like a mist in the evening air I like the simile used here, but the "house music" part kind of ruins the mood, which IMO is solemnness. Razor sharp shards of glass litter the lonesome roads, smashed via the hands of some half-drunken teenage yob This is good, but I don't like the use of the words "via" and "yob". Weeks of neglect to the city streets leave behind a sore sight, as waste from the overspew of pubs finds it's way to the edge of the kerb Good here, but it kind of seems like you put it in there to fill space. The foul stench of cigarette smoke carelessly mixed with alcohol scar the carbon air. The disintegration of society lies all around, as the realisation that you may have just thrown away a good portion of your life suddenly shocks your system, blowing the fuse. Good Ending to this first part, leaves a lingering feeling of...regret.

Love is blind, they say. A little bland, but it fits.

I say that's just an excuse for leading you down the wrong sodding alley time after time. Good here, kind of runs off the Love is Blind part

From now on, I'll use my own eyes, thanks.Good ending, but a little cheesy with the "thanks" part.



Btw, the names Stephen
#22
i like it
its got a really good feel to it, paints a very vivid picture

the only part i don't like it the through the twisting streets, i don't really like the twisting