#1
Recite a motive to end this isle.
our children, shorthanded.
pangea, the home. cast off, moons ago.

everything we do is all they know
everything they do is all we know

treasure your "moments", cause we mean business.
our children, inheriant.
cant shake us now, take king from crown.

feral to the native land: take your species and run.
and to all that's borne australian: there can be only one.

curtain call, fade the western front.
curtain call, fade the northern front.
curtain call, fade the eastern front.

curtain call, fade our southern front.
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thanks for checking my song out, leave some crits if you like, or just comments. i like anything that helps me expand my writing.
Quote by R_H_C_P
It's a known fact that 100% of people that sell their Telecasters, die.
#2
hey. I liked this a lot. But, i feel the "everything we do is all they know / everything they do is all we know" part seems like a bit of an easy way out, and I'm not exactly sure what it's conveying. But if you're going for a some ambiguity, that's rad. Meanings that just mean something to the writer are sometimes fun to keep it interesting, either way, good job.
Cheers,
- PunkFish.
#3
I can't say i really enjoyed this. its a very different style than i read, or have ever read. so basically. it's jsut different also is inheriant a word? i've never heard that before. The piece was alright though i suppose. I did liek the ending with curtain call though and then the various directions. I thought that was nice.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#4
Quote by jesjes21
Recite a motive to end this isle.
our children, shorthanded.
pangea, the home. cast off, moons ago.

Interesting opening. Rare subject.

everything we do is all they know
everything they do is all we know

Probably the weakest writing here. No impact, just there for the sake of being there.

treasure your "moments", cause we mean business.
our children, inheriant.
cant shake us now, take king from crown.

Is it a word? Could you clear that up for us? Otherwise, good last line, nice rhyme.

feral to the native land: take your species and run.
and to all that's borne australian: there can be only one.

Good stuff again.

curtain call, fade the western front.
curtain call, fade the northern front.
curtain call, fade the eastern front.

curtain call, fade our southern front.

Nice, orignal end.
---------------------------------------------

thanks for checking my song out, leave some crits if you like, or just comments. i like anything that helps me expand my writing.


Overall, i think I liked it, so nice job. Keep it up.
#5
Quote by jesjes21
Recite a motive to end this isle.
our children, shorthanded.
pangea, the home. cast off, moons ago.
Love that opening.
everything we do is all they know
everything they do is all we know
Doesn't look so great, but might sound ok so i'll let that off.
treasure your "moments", cause we mean business.
our children, inheriant.
cant shake us now, take king from crown.
This wasn't nearly as good as the first paragraph. Try re-phrasing this a bit.
feral to the native land: take your species and run.
and to all that's borne australian: there can be only one.
This was ok.
curtain call, fade the western front.
curtain call, fade the northern front.
curtain call, fade the eastern front.

curtain call, fade our southern front.
Good ending, would imagine that it would sound great in the song.
---------------------------------------------

thanks for checking my song out, leave some crits if you like, or just comments. i like anything that helps me expand my writing.


Very original and i absolutely loved the idea of it. For the most part you pulled it off ok, i just wished the whole piece was as good as that first paragraph; sadly it wasn't. Still good though.

My latest is in my sig if you would crit it.
#6
i just wanted to say to the writer that i loved your song it really inspired and moved me.

thnx alot.

i also write myself but have never posted it. not as good as this i think


well peace all


Pyro
We have just 1 world but we live in different ones!
#7
^^^wow. thanks a lot man.

thanks for everyone elses' crits and comments, every one helps. if youre wondering what its about, i wrote it in my first science course in college, and its about the feral species in austrailia taking over the territories belonging to the native animals and the such, and how bummed out they must be.

the "everything we/they do is all they/we know part sounds a little easy, yes, but in the song itself, its sung so that each line is spoken from the native voice, then the feral voice, etc., and the repitition and simplicity of the line was on purpose, to make it seem like its really the truth, that both sides of the story are just as worn out and troubled as the other. but thats just my opinion.
Quote by R_H_C_P
It's a known fact that 100% of people that sell their Telecasters, die.
#8
maybe i can send you a message with one of my songs before i post it on the forum?

Pyro

(the netherlands)
We have just 1 world but we live in different ones!
#9
Quote by jesjes21
^^^wow. thanks a lot man.

thanks for everyone elses' crits and comments, every one helps. if youre wondering what its about, i wrote it in my first science course in college, and its about the feral species in austrailia taking over the territories belonging to the native animals and the such, and how bummed out they must be.

the "everything we/they do is all they/we know part sounds a little easy, yes, but in the song itself, its sung so that each line is spoken from the native voice, then the feral voice, etc., and the repitition and simplicity of the line was on purpose, to make it seem like its really the truth, that both sides of the story are just as worn out and troubled as the other. but thats just my opinion.

Well you're the writer, and your opinion is most important.