#1
K, new piece. I know the title is also from an Opeth song, but it may be tentative. Tell me what you think, crit 4 crit.


"Bleak"

Poison desires all circle me
While worry lulls me back to sleep
Reaching above the cellophane skyline
Once again, my hand gets swatted down
While the wind weaves in and out,
Of my ever-deafened ears

I hate to be the optimist, but,
You?re hopeless
From my therapeutic mentoring,
You?re ignorant

Etched shades of gray collide,
Twining and twisting a tornado
Of emotional backlash
Two sides of the spectrum,
Ignored and ever-ridden
From this rational schism

I hate to be the optimist, but,
You?re hopeless
From my therapeutic mentoring,
You?re ignorant

From above the transparent azure I see you,
Grasping dread locked roses and shot down orchids
Dismayed from my so-called neglect, you cringe
Mangled and torn from the fine-edged thorns
If only this schism did not stand here,
I would wistfully whisper, ?I warned you my dear?
#2
The "optimist" stanzas seem to flow weird.
I thought "so-called" was kind of lacking as a choice of words. It probably had the right meaning but I felt it let the style down slightly. Meh, maybe.
I like it. The rhyming's very cool. It mostly flows well.
I enjoyed.
Ro
ρ
#4
Quote by DanteR*
K, new piece. I know the title is also from an Opeth song, but it may be tentative. Tell me what you think, crit 4 crit.


"Bleak"
good to see you again, might I add :P

Poison desires all circle me
While worry lulls me back to sleep Good opener.
Reaching above the cellophane skyline I've seen cellophane skyline done a few times before, I would personally go for something a little bit different.
Once again, my hand gets swatted down
While the wind weaves in and out,
Of my ever-deafened ears

Pretty strong start, here.

I hate to be the optimist, but,
You?re hopeless
From my therapeutic mentoring,
You?re ignorant

Flow is a no-show, but I think goes well, kind of has a stabbing, jerky rhythm to it. Good wririntg, also.

Etched shades of gray collide,
Twining and twisting a tornado Twining? Don't like that..
Of emotional backlash Great feeling.
Two sides of the spectrum,
Ignored and ever-ridden
From this rational schism

I think you get away with that last word, just. Good stuff again.

I hate to be the optimist, but,
You?re hopeless
From my therapeutic mentoring,
You?re ignorant

From above the transparent azure I see you,
Grasping dread locked roses and shot down orchids
Dismayed from my so-called neglect, you cringe
Mangled and torn from the fine-edged thorns
If only this schism did not stand here,
I would wistfully whisper, ?I warned you my dear?

Brill.


A very good piece, one that I enjoyed reading. Keep it going, there's some great ideas coming out there.

If you'd like to return, my latest is in my sig. Many thanks.
#5
great song overall i like it...i think its a little long though but that is just my opinion....u have great word choice and a very good idea for the song
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#6
Quote by DanteR*
K, new piece. I know the title is also from an Opeth song, but it may be tentative. Tell me what you think, crit 4 crit.


"Bleak"

Poison desires all circle me
While worry lulls me back to sleep
Reaching above the cellophane skyline
Once again, my hand gets swatted down
While the wind weaves in and out,
Of my ever-deafened ears

The first line confuses me, the all is not needed. Poisoning desires circle me, is what i would of gone with. I dont like ever-deafened just sounds strange. Also, if your going to punctuate do it right

I hate to be the optimist, but,
You?re hopeless
From my therapeutic mentoring,
You?re ignorant

good

Etched shades of gray collide,
Twining and twisting a tornado
Of emotional backlash
Two sides of the spectrum,
Ignored and ever-ridden
From this rational schism

this is pretty good, i really liked the second line.

I hate to be the optimist, but,
You?re hopeless
From my therapeutic mentoring,
You?re ignorant

From above the transparent azure I see you,
Grasping dread locked roses and shot down orchids
Dismayed from my so-called neglect, you cringe
Mangled and torn from the fine-edged thorns
If only this schism did not stand here,
I would wistfully whisper, ?I warned you my dear?


Honestly this is good, probably the best piece ive read from you.

-Mike
#7

Poison desires all circle me
While worry lulls me back to sleep
Reaching above the cellophane skyline
Once again, my hand gets swatted down
While the wind weaves in and out,
Of my ever-deafened ears

The first line is very interesting, gramatically and lyrically lol. At first I read "desires" as a verb, but then realised it's a noun. Good technique there lol. Makes you pay closer attention to the piece and immediately sets you up for some deep meanings.
I lvoe the 2nd line A LOT. It's great.
I'm not keen on the "my hand gets swatted down" - I don't feel "swatted" is the right word tbh, remidns me of a wasp-swatter so yeahh...
lovely opening stanza though, I like it a lot.

I hate to be the optimist, but,
You?re hopeless
From my therapeutic mentoring,
You?re ignorant

Interesting how you say "hate to be the optimist/but you're hopeless" because naturally that would be "pessimist", so interesting reversal there. This stanza is okay, but a bit of change in style frm the preivous, and personally I'm not keen on it.

Etched shades of gray collide,
Twining and twisting a tornado
Of emotional backlash
Two sides of the spectrum,
Ignored and ever-ridden
From this rational schism

This is lovely. Nothing to crit.

I hate to be the optimist, but,
You?re hopeless
From my therapeutic mentoring,
You?re ignorant

I'll say the same as above... except I can't be arsed typing it all out again. Scroll up

From above the transparent azure I see you,
Grasping dread locked roses and shot down orchids
Dismayed from my so-called neglect, you cringe
Mangled and torn from the fine-edged thorns
If only this schism did not stand here,
I would wistfully whisper, ?I warned you my dear?

"So-called neglect"... wow I love that. And the last line! Wow! What an ending lol. I really really like this last stanza, very eerie and intriguing indeed. Excellent job!
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#8
Let's start with the first stanza...as most would...xD

The first two lines work wonders together and the third lines builds upon them well- but I agree that the fourth line needs a different word in place of 'swatted'. The final two lines are fine. Then moving into the chorus, I love it- very choppy; which I quite enjoy. The second stanza is great and there's not much you can say about it. Good usage of words that paint a vivid image.

Finally, my favurite part - the third verse. I can't say anything bad about this, and I like the mystique surrounding it. Good job, and a great piece. Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=418403