#1
kind of a personal piece, kind of not idk. definitely not my favorite but i felt like writing. its kinda about superstition and ect.


untilted


i can reach towers standing on the very tips of my toes,
searching through perspectives i find my own.
all this time its been at the tip of my nose and now i see
how sometimes we can look foolish in the light of day.
so you stick to the shadows where death prays over
boys and girls and foreign worlds waging war over words
that may or may not have been said.
but youre just like the classifieds,
always for sale and never satisfied.
you barter for sleep with strangers who
may or may not be interested.
just draw a line in the sand, one side for the hopeless
and the other for those with promise.
which side are you standing on?
when the world ends i bet you won't be standing at all.
isnt that convenient to know?
i know, convenience isn't hard to come by when youre sleeping with the whole neighborhood.
Last edited by le_casanova at Aug 16, 2006,
#2
but youre just like the classifieds,
always for sale and never satisfied.


really liked that line, but i can't get the metre to work out in my head.

the last line is a little bit blunt, especially in a lyric so full of metaphor. maybe that's a good thing? I'm just thinking that perhaps there's a way to say that without making such a direct accusation.

overall, with a little tweaking, this could be pretty good. just don't want unbridled emotion to take away from the overall effect, a problem i often have trouble with, heh
#3
I love this. I've been seeing so much good work on this forum tonight and its making me happy. This has a lot of clever lines in it and is really well written. Kind of reminds me of a more refined, well constructed, and witty version of my writing. Keep it up.
#4
I liked this piece to be honest. It flows really well, some parts were a little rough, I'm sure you can spot them with a read over though. Kind of starts to loosen up at the end though, starts to fall apart. What I didn't like was how the very last lines lends to an individual outside of the speaker, personaly it break up the piece I think.

Great job.