#1
Edit: redid it again, less stylistic more cliche awakening...

and leave a link.

The Emo Kid From Outerspace Remembers <Prologue>



I have not coughed in such a time;
I?ve been drudging through my dredges of ink,
I have not tasted a drunken dry rhyme in an age;
I have been too sober to think,
I have not seen such a melodious crime,
As watching feeling caged, locked in with winter?s mistress,
I have not been blessed in such a new mind;
For I have been sleeping, improvising my world, but
Now I fear the faceless wine has let my restless mind Unfurl into?
What I am: A mirage with no sight.


Eyelids flicker. I stir. My fists move to fingers; I shift them about in wonder. My fingers push to the brink of the air; I feel a northern gust. My palm repels upwards, where the moon should be glaring, and it feels perfectly cold. My wrists fold warmth into my lips; I frown bewilderment. My knees kiss the ground and I speak out in a wisp:
?Am I speaking? Could I possibly be breathing??
I take in a moment of bliss and suddenly begin to feel around my body, almost groping each lovely piece:
?Is this here? Am I here??
And I beat and I beat and I beat and I beat and I beat and I beat the cold sheets of living skin until I feel the blackening sores. My fingers move to fists. My fists back to the brink of the moon?s stare. I am there.
?I am there!?
Tears tear away from my smile.

I open my eyes and gaze.
There are Seven columns of water staring back. I breathe, my lungs turn on the vodka shore. There are seven columns of water staring back. I breathe, my throat burns in the rum-mist. There are seven columns of water coming. I breathe, my breath is frozen glee. I am there, and I will my fists to curtsy at the sand and the air. I cough black. I breathe. Its quiet, beautifully calm. My arms go to my heart. I gaze and I put three fingers to the moon. There are seven columns of water drowning my legs. I breathe, there are seven columns of water.



I <3 you all
Last edited by #1 synth at Aug 18, 2006,
#2
dude i loved that.
unfortunately i don't have anything for you to crit and i dont think theres any critisizm needed for that piece except for maybe changing the name, just a suggestion. Maybe to something that sums up your ideas.
With the blood of the ones he loved
Upon his filthy hands
He took a vow, never
Never to sin again.
#4
Quote by #1 synth


Here we go, synthy.


My eyelids are shut.


I have not coughed in such a time, for
I?ve been drudging through my dredges of ink;
I have not tasted a drunken dry rhyme in an age,
I have been too sober to think;
An interesting start which I think works. I was unsure, as it seems heavy going, but I think it compliments the drunken state of mind.
I have not seen such a melodious crime,
As watching feeling caged, locked in with winter?s mistress;
I have not been blessed in such a new mind,
For I have only been sleeping, improvising my world, but
Now I fear the faceless wine has let my restless mind Unfurl into?
What I am: A mirage with no sight.

I don't really have a problem with this. You're style and ability is quite complex, so it takes me a while to sort it all out, but I do wonder whether you could consider keeping your work more concise at times.

My eyelids flicker.

My fists move to fingers. I gaze. My fingers to the brink of the air. I feel wind. My palm towards where the moon should be glaring. It?s cold. I touch my face. I care. My knuckles wade about in every splinter of skin. I am there.
I am there.
I am there.
I am there.
I am there.
I am there.
Too much repetition here for me. I completely understand what you're goin' for, but just one or two repeats would have been equally effective. So much just troubles the flow.
And my wrists folds love around my lips. I smile. My knees kiss the ground. I speak:
?Am I wheezing? Could I be breathing??
No answer.
I hit the ground. And I beat and I beat and I beat and I beat and I beat and I beat. My fingers move to fists. My fists to the brink of the moon?s stare. I had hoped. My hands tear the fragile purpose. I had hoped fate wasn?t real. Before I mangle my eyes the tides answer. I cry joy.
Again too much repetition with ''and I beat''. Otherwise, the whole fingers to fists job has been done nicely.

Seven columns of water. I breathe. My lungs turn in the vodka. Seven columns of water. I breathe. My throat burns in the Mexican rum mist. I breathe. My breath is frozen. I?m like the moon. My shards spew thousands of words. I?m like the moon. I am there. My fists curtsy to the sand. I cough black. My heart attacks. I breathe. Its quiet. My arms go to my heart. I gaze and I put three fingers to the moon. My eyes are blind. I can still see.
I'm definitely not feeling the shortness of sentence structure here. Similar to the repetition, I think you have to think carefully about how much of a technique will get your point across, and how much will just irritate the reader.

My eyelids are shut.

I remember how the heavens sparkled so alive
Behind the shadow of my three fingered night
On the day I first felt real fright.
Though the spatter of spider-web whim now are dead.

I remember how I sat by myself in the grove
Watching as the subconscious words slipped out my half-moon mouth
Mixing with the smoky night.
Though the rapture?s cauldrons have now frozen over with lead.

?Beautiful,
Circular,
Fright.?
This bit seems OK to me. Your ability allows you to conjure up some terrific images.

I remember how the threads of oil stopped their dancing as
I suddenly realized it was too dark, I was scared,
Eerily aware of the fading light,

I remember my child-like wishes for a moonless world, spitting
Shame and terror at the naked beings of nothingness:

?Loud,
Chilling,
Night.?


My eyelids flicker.

A decent finale to a lengthy and captivating piece, full of vivid and sensory images. I wonder if you're writing about the morning after a bad curry?



Cheers for now.
#5
Ok, i have an idea fo a title.

Moonless Stages

Moonless referring to your child-like wishes for a moonless world, and stages referring to the state of your eyes.

Not astounding i know, but the more ideas you have the etter the chance
#6
Yup, I believe all is mostly good here, I definitely prefer it from the other one you posted, my only real problem, like CJW's, was the repetition. I do think it was overdone.

But other than that, I don't think I have anything much to say- Good work, and perhaps one day I can provide you with a decent crit.
#7
Synth, i can never go wrong entering your threads....

i really loved this piece, totaly affected me. i can relate to the drunken state of mind, i wont go into details because it seems like everyone above me sumed it up.
...And The Nominees Are
#8
My eyelids are shut. ok, cool, mine too

I have not coughed in such a time, for
I?ve been drudging through my dredges of ink;
I have not tasted a drunken dry rhyme in an age,
I have been too sober to think; love that line "too sober to think". awwwsome
I have not seen such a melodious crime,
As watching feeling caged, locked in with winter?s mistress;
I have not been blessed in such a new mind,
For I have only been sleeping, improvising my world, but
Now I fear the faceless wine has let my restless mind Unfurl into?
What I am: A mirage with no sight. ok, this is really good, i like it... as it ends better than the start, but the start is good. I dont know if it was intended or not, but the internal rhyme in the second to last line, faceless/restless, sounded really good, and i loved the ending.

My eyelids flicker.

My fists move to fingers.cool i like that I gaze. whats that have to do with the fingers? keep talkin about the fistsMy fingers to the brink of the air. I feel wind. My palm towards where the moon should be glaring. It?s cold. and i love that its simple but its really good "Its cold" maybe cause im cold right now? both literally and metaphorically. but either way i like thatI touch my face. I care. My knuckles wade about in every splinter of skin. I am there. now that rhyme was on pourpose right? right?
I am there.
I am there.
I am there.
I am there.
I am there. you go two too many here, IMO
And my wrists folds love around my lips. I smile. My knees kiss the ground. I speak:
?Am I wheezing? Could I be breathing??
No answer. "no, you aint," there, an answer. Oh, yeah, i dont like wheezing man, could you say coughing or somn? wheezing sounds like a... i dont know
I hit the ground. And I beat and I beat and I beat and I beat and I beat and I beat. two too many again, but i think you repeat on pourposeMy fingers move to fists. hah, i like that too, moving back to fistsMy fists to the brink of the moon?s stare. I had hoped. My hands tear the fragile purpose. I had hoped fate wasn?t real. Before I mangle my eyes the tides answer. I cry joy. yeah! i really like that

Seven columns of water. I breathe. My lungs turn in the vodka. Seven columns of water. I breathe. My throat burns in the Mexican rum mist. I breathe. My breath is frozen. I?m like the moon. My shards spew thousands of words. I?m like the moon. I am there. My fists curtsy to the sand. I cough black. My heart attacks. I breathe. Its quiet. My arms go to my heart. I gaze and I put three fingers to the moon. My eyes are blind. I can still see. hey, i like this too, specially the contradiction in the last two lines

My eyelids are shut.

I remember how the heavens sparkled so alive
Behind the shadow of my three fingered night
On the day I first felt real fright. not an accindental rhyme? i like how you're acassional rhymes make it sound
Though the spatter of spider-web whim now are dead.

I remember how I sat by myself in the grove
Watching as the subconscious words slipped out my half-moon mouth
Mixing with the smoky night.
Though the rapture?s cauldrons have now frozen over with lead. no comment

?Beautiful,
Circular,
Fright.? ?

I remember how the threads of oil stopped their dancing as
I suddenly realized it was too dark, I was scared,
Eerily aware of the fading light, thats really good, i can imagine you like "OMG its too dark" haha

I remember my child-like wishes for a moonless world, spitting
Shame and terror at the naked beings of nothingness: thats awsome too

?Loud,
Chilling,
Night.? rhyme

My eyelids flicker. and it ends well, by well i mean i liked the ending

i really liked it, cant say anything was really off or bad here, except for like what i already said, wanna crit back? im tryng to do non-song things, check out the The Other Side thing in my sig. plz
#10
Okay. So from the last time I made an apperance I made a bunch of comments about how you should only put up stuff you feel for, or you know.. acutally are emotionally connected. It seems like you've worked past that wall, but now you've hit another in the form of cutting off the fat. This piece is excessively long and has no need to be. Excessive diction and length are often used in "excess" (heh) and it kills pieces. You don't need to write an essay on your feelings, most of the times it's harder too be short in concise, it's why in general I apperciate a good haiku or similarly stuctured poem much better than some long ass James Joyce bull****. Anyways, that's my advice, cut the fat, trim the fat, be concise, say what you want in as little as possible, because people got short attention spans and they aren't going to read two pages about how Ginny won't go down on you?

heh. I'm just messing around with that last comment.
#12
I've been looking at your stuff for a while, but I've never really felt qualified to comment on any of it. Of course, now I have to, so...

Firstly, listen to Jared. This one felt a little cumbersome, so cutting out some unneccessities would be quite nice. This comes across as some meandering, go-nowhere contemplation, but take that as a complement. I used to do that quite a bit myself, and I appreciate anyone who can do it as well as you. But, like I said, there's a line between descriptive and overkill, and you crossed it more than a few times here.

There's not much else I know to tell you. You're a hell of a writer from what I've seen so far, with just a kink here or there to work out. Keep at, and maybe you'll get someone to suck that dick .
-Landon
#13
In my defense I actually do get my various sexual needs satisfied from a plethora of local wenches so people can stop worrying about that paticular subject of my life

Secondly, this is not a finished piece, not even close, and I will continue to update this with my... updates until this little prologue is finished. Mind you, this isnt supposed to make sense as of now, that was the point of the prologue to make as little sense as possible in the most vague way possible. Everything will come around, dont worry. In fact, I wanted to also put as much 'excess' in as possible because in reality it isnt excess and I have a plan. Everything will come together. So again, and I know I'm really just repeating myself again, this is not done and everything I did in terms of meaning I did for a reason.

for all the responses! remember to leave a link.
Last edited by #1 synth at Aug 16, 2006,
#14
can people just look at this again and tell me if its better than the other version (which you can see in any full crit)

again, no crit is required at all, I just wanna know if you like the first version or second version better.

#15
This is pretty cool but it lags. Especially the last stanza IMO. Dunon what else to say really. I don't think it's the msot incredible thing that's ever happened to the world ever but it's pretty decent all the same heh
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