#1
A rock/pop/punk song for a newbie writer(me).

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What's the meaning with everything? You go to school
pick matching clothes, try to be cool
You think it ain't enough so you get a hobby
must get a job, so you clean a lobby

We wan't a catchy chorus, so if you got anything, please write it for us
We're in it for the music, that's the reason why we won't die

You get a wellpaid job but something's wrong
get a wife and three nice kids, won't last too long
And when the kids they have moved out, here it comes again
you have wasted all your life, but you don't know when

Now is the time to change it, 'cause it might last for the rest of your life
Please don't ignore it 'cause it might keep you from asking "why"

Something is missing and you don't know why you
let the ideal choose your life
Feels like you're giving more than you ever had
so make something good out of the bad

If you are lucky you'll get old with someone there
to be there by your side everyday, everywhere
Then you probably will get sick and leave this place
or go to a nursing home like a basket case

So make the best out of your short time here, don't show no fear
and maybe after you heard our song you'll see things clear

Something is missing and you don't know why
you let the ideal choose your life
Feels like you're giving more than you ever had,
so make something good out of the bad
If you don't search through your mind you'll never find
the thing that is best for your own kind
Something is missing and it feels so bad,
your fight has become something that's sad

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#2
First stanza's pretty flawless, I think. Although saying "meaning with everything" sounds a bit weird. Maybe try "to" or "for"?

The content of that little two-line refrain is fine. There's no apostrophe in "want", though. Catchy. If I were you I'd use this one again in the song. It is pop-punk after all, so you can get away with that

Third stanza. I thought it was fine. Nice job on the rhyme scheme and sticking with it.

Another two-liner. You broke from the patterns of rhyming you'd set up hitherto, which disappointed me. Not bad, though. If I were you I'd just consider using the first refrain thing again though in stead. You're starting to repeat yourself, content-wise. But then again, like I said, it's pop-punk: not a problem.

For this part it'd read and/or flow just an iota nicer if you put the last word of the first line as the first word of the second line, like so:
"Something's missing and you don't know why
You let the ideal choose your life
"
I'd also recommend abbreviating the "is" onto "Something". I took the liberty of changing it to that above^ It makes the syllable count between the two lines slightly more similar. If you can maybe cut a coupla syllables from the third line here, I think you should.

Lol, it's hardly only basket cases that go to nursing homes, is it? Heh, poetic pop-punk licence again, I guess.

I think everything about the last stanza is fine, except for that final line:
"your fight has become something that's sad "
Don't use "that's. It sounds hella awkward, to me, at least. Pop-punk lyrics should sound more fluent and natural than that. Why not use a word that kind of quantifies the "sad" quality? You could say "something so sad.". Meh, just an idea. Your call.

Overall I really like this. Does exactly what it says on the tin. Sorry, that's about all the "advice" I really have!
Ro
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Last edited by scousertommy at Aug 16, 2006,
#4
personally i wasnt really into the song, but it had its moments, ive tried writing pop punk songs before and they never seem to turn out......i guess becasue its not true to me and pop punk songs suck and why people listen to them i dont know......but anyways, with some work im sure that this song will come out decent....
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