#1
I really like this one. I'm not religious but felt like using this reference.

leave me a link please


A Samsonite stranger offering advice.

Next to nothing stacks up the walls; and keeps the
Mosquitoes away at night.
Floor to ceiling, wall to door, and quietly aligned
In perfect size and shape.

There?s victims pleading out for their guilt, they?re
Hanged as charged.
And the sweet scent of death fills the air.
The perfume impregnating honeybees as they stumble,
Blindly? No, it is this drunk lust
We ache for.

Seventeen years later and we?re all still fighting
For the same thing.
Reality burns shading neck, leg and handle
Each in our own way.

And as I spoke
A Samsonite stranger pulled his pillars down.
We were lost in the struggle.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#2
Greetings. In many ways, a different go at things from you, I think.

Next to nothing stacks up the walls; and keeps the
Mosquitoes away at night.
Floor to ceiling, wall to door, and quietly aligned
In perfect size and shape.
A fine beginning given the rest of the piece. Very intelligent imagery here. Perhaps a comma at the end of line three though?

There?s victims pleading out for their guilt, they?re
Hanged as charged.
And the sweet scent of death fills the air.
The perfume impregnating honeybees as they stumble,
Blindly? No, it is this drunk lust
We ache for.
This piece holds a bitterness that I can't remember seeing from you previously. Nevertheless, the use of drunk honeybees in such a dark way is fairly inspired.

Seventeen years later and we?re all still fighting
For the same thing.
Reality burns shading neck, leg and handle
Each in our own way.
Again, very good. I'm sure most on here will be able to relate to this stuff extremely well. Perhaps another comma at the end of line three, or maybe a slight reworking of that second sentence; it doesn't seem to flow so easily.

And as I spoke
A Samsonite stranger pulled his pillars down.
We were lost in the struggle.
A fittingly dark finish, I believe.

I can honestly say I enjoyed just about everything to do with this piece, Ms. jallas. A familiar style, but in a different tone, I think, and despite it being against my personal preference, I hold nothing against it. Great stuff!


P.S. I hope to have that profile on Ret' done soon. Haven't got round to it so far. Sorry.

EDIT: I've just realised we're not doin' the profiles after all. Saves me a job, anyhow.
Last edited by CJW at Aug 16, 2006,
#3
This reminded me of lyrics to a hardcore song. Like you know, Black Flag or Modern Life is War or something. It's got that aggression type feel too it, but with that touch of undecisiveness that makes hardcore feel so youthful. So I mean you're raising some type of like "call", but you're not like fully behind it is what I'm getting at. It's good, I like it, it reminds me of talking **** about presidents in 6th and 7th grade when we didn't know anything about politics, but we wanted to seem like we did. Your stuff isn't usually somethign I dig, so I give you rep on this yo.
#4
Quote by jallas
I really like this one. I'm not religious but felt like using this reference.

leave me a link please


A Samsonite stranger offering advice.

Next to nothing stacks up the walls; and keeps the
Mosquitoes away at night.
Floor to ceiling, wall to door, and quietly aligned
In perfect size and shape.
Brilliant opening, that's all there is to it really.
There?s victims pleading out for their guilt, they?re
Hanged as charged.
And the sweet scent of death fills the air.
The perfume impregnating honeybees as they stumble,
Blindly? No, it is this drunk lust
We ache for.
Certainly not as good as the first stanza, it's satisvactory but that's just it; it's only that. There's nothing special about this which is a shame. I feel it falls in the way that it's worded; all quite simply. Might just be my opinion but there you go.
Seventeen years later and we?re all still fighting
For the same thing.
Reality burns shading neck, leg and handle
Each in our own way.
This was good except i wasn't so keen on the first two lines, but it's still ok.
And as I spoke
A Samsonite stranger pulled his pillars down.
We were lost in the struggle.
Brilliant second line, but much weaker last line i feel.

Overall it's very good, just nothing special to report to the press is all. So there's nothing really to be unhappy about, just in my opinion it's not groundbreaking, but a very decent piece and you should still be proud.


Can you crit my latest for me please? It's in the sig.
#5
A Samsonite stranger offering advice. im listening to some hard rock/metal really loud, paused it to read this... cause im guessing its gonna be good...

Next to nothing stacks up the walls; and keeps the
Mosquitoes away at night. cool, i hate mosquitos
Floor to ceiling, wall to door, and quietly aligned
In perfect size and shape. that's really good to, nothing to crit

There?s victims pleading out for their guilt, they?re
Hanged as charged. even better
And the sweet scent of death fills the air.
The perfume impregnating honeybees as they stumble,
Blindly? No, it is this drunk lust
We ache for. ok here, i liked everithing but the last line and a half "No, it is... ache for" seemed kinda wierd when i read it, like wierd in a bad way but i reread to see whatwas wrong with it and it sounded good...so i dont know

Seventeen years later and we?re all still fighting
For the same thing.
Reality burns shading neck, leg and handle
Each in our own way. first 2 lines are really good, whay 17 years?, last two lines i didnt get, sorry.

And as I spoke
A Samsonite stranger pulled his pillars down.
We were lost in the struggle. and... that is awsome, "we were lost in the struggle", great ending

hm... not much of a full crit all i said was "this is good, this too..." oh well, i thought it was really good. just really good words and everithing really. its cool that its kinda structered as you would lyrics, even though i know it isnt. you should try making it into a song...thatd be cool

and i'm trying something thats neither song nor poem, i think, i call it my The Other Side... project, its at the bottom of my sig for you to look at, also i dont believe youve seen Found Myself, id like to see what you think, under my songs, in sig as well. if its too much go ahead and skip the song, but obviously i apreciate whatever you choose to do...thanx
#6
I also really like this one. I think (on what I can remember) this is a slightly different direction form you. A little darker than I can rememebr you writing before. I do think it was a goo dpiece of writing, albeit unspectacular. But why try and go over the top? Solid, simple, intriguing stuff, I don't thin kthere's anything major I can add. Impressive once more

If you'd like, my latest is in my sig. Many thanks.
#7
I don't think I can add a whole lot to what's been said...
But I can tell you that I like the piece. It has a very avant-guard feel to it. (Don't know about your other writing, I'm new to this forum, I'll have to look it up...but I've read that this is a departure. A good one, I'd say!)
This reminds me of something that Tool would do...maybe not in subject matter, but in form. Very open and free; I can see lots of different melodies competing. Do you have an underlying musical theme?
"He has a woman's name and wears makeup. How original."
--Alice Cooper, on Marilyn Manson.
#8
Bitterness seems so out of character for you, but you do it well here. In fact, this is done well, period. Everything is in place; emotion behind it, structure, content, Biblical references. Nice.

If you weren't so English, you'd totally be my girlfriend.
-Landon
#10
I'm a fan of your pieces, jallas, so I will get back to this ASAP. Right now, I'm off to collect some exam results.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#12
Landon: omg I'm totally not english. Or I won't be in a few years. But I'll be French, guess that's not so much better for you

Besides I thought Emma was your girlfriend ?

Anyhow, wow, thank you for all the replies! Jared, it means a lot especially.
Somebody asked why I put 17 years... it's my birthday next week... you can probably guess what age lol.

As I said at the start, I really liked this one, I'm glad you do too

I'm getting my exam results in a few hours and then I'm out for the rest of the day partyyyying (as long as they're not crap in which cae I still won't be on I'll be getting too drunk to remember I did crap) so I'll return all crits tomorrow
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#13
A little change of colour for variety.

Quote by jallas
Next to nothing stacks up the walls; and keeps the
Mosquitoes away at night. Good lines to open up on. It's vague at this early stage which is a good thing if you want people to carry on reading.
Floor to ceiling, wall to door, and quietly aligned
In perfect size and shape. You've kept the theme of these things stacked up going in the final couple of lines which many people tend not to do. Most will try and get in as many metaphors and analogies as they can but it's good to see someone keeping with what you've already written.

There?s victims pleading out for their guilt, they?re
Hanged as charged.
And the sweet scent of death fills the air. A nice euphemism for the stench of death there.
The perfume impregnating honeybees as they stumble, Didn't like the use of impregnating to be honest. Seemed a bit of a random word to use in that context.
Blindly? No, it is this drunk lust
We ache for. Great.

Seventeen years later and we?re all still fighting Ah, the poem now becomes a bit personal, because if I'm not mistaken, you are seventeen (or sixteen). I have no idea what the proverbial we are fighting for but I'm intrigued.
For the same thing.
Reality burns shading neck, leg and handle
Each in our own way. Those couple of lines were a bit here and there, hit and miss, and I didn't quite follow them.

And as I spoke
A Samsonite stranger pulled his pillars down.
We were lost in the struggle. Fan-bloody-tastic ending.


It was a good read and I enjoyed it but the meaning became lost on me but just as long as their is a meaning, you did good

If you could in the future (ie tomorrow) could you have a look at my newest poem in the sig?
#14
thanks Michael (or do you go by Mike?)

In case anyone cares I got AABB in my exams, which'll go up to AAAB when I resit my maths
I'm repaying crits NOW.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#15
AS I take it? Well done. I got mine yesterday, for A levels: A, C, D.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#16
Piece is good as ever from you btw. There's really no point in me offering a crit now. Excellent work.
"You can never quarantine the past."