#1
i havent posted in a while, so please be a little nice..... plz crit.

At My Window

There she stood, at my window,
Eager, eager for the chance of love,
But had she noticed me watching her,
Enjoying her presence?

Then she moved closer, as I gazed in the white of her eyes,
Hoping, hoping that someday we would be together,

Her sweet lips touched mine,
And I closed my eyes, and slipped away,
Feeling all my senses awaken,
And fall in love with her,

Then her lips left mine, leaving me in solitude,
Wondering if she will ever return,

There she stood, at my window,
Eager, eager for the chance of love,
But had she noticed me watching her,
Enjoying her presence?
#3
yea i liked it, it goes into more of how you feel, you never hear songs written like this anymore, it's very straight forward! good job
#4
No bumping thanks.

Really, really enjoyed the piece. I love your double use of "Eager" and "hoping" it really adds to their meanings, and overall I really loved the piece.

The only thing I can say is I would like to see you strengthen the second couplet.

Other than that, good good stuff.

I'd appreciate a comment on my latest, tis in my sig. Many thanks.
#7
Quote by magicninja_
It was pretty good overall. I think the "Enjoying her presence?" line is a bit jarring and manges to disrupt the flow even at the end of the phrase. Something just don't sit right with me. Other than that it was done well.


Thanks, I kind of felt the same way when I wrote this but I couldn't think of anything that says the same thing and fits better. I guess I gotta keep trying.