#1
POEM: Leave your crits and they shall be returned.

It?s turgid, hanging from the ceiling
Like a black hole, stealing the light
It pulses and throbs and growls a deep growl [Yes I've used the same word twice but I find it adds to its character]
It would give angels an awful fright
A companion hides in the shadows
Fading in and out of itself
Like a fish out of water it gasps
And it?s ova lie unbroken on the shelf
Above the wooden door
Cracked shells already on the floor

In the dark recess movement is caught
And the beast emerges from its hiding hole
It?s mouth open exposing razor teeth
It wants to come and swallow me whole [An exact rhyme isn't necessarily a bad thing]
Get back, foul demon, for it is not my time
I hold my cross out towards the thing
And it despairs and cries a bloodcurdling shriek
It absconds through the floor but leaves a ring [Changed so I didn't use the same word twice]
The priceless jewel glistens
With the blood of countless heathens

And all the while he sat in the chair
His head free of a single hair
And he said to me that I did well
But my soul is not for me to sell

He shakes my hand and bids me leave
I lift my bag with a grunt and a heave
I bid my tidings and leave through the door
And give rest to the beast hiding under the floor


EDIT: I've given myself a little crit.
Last edited by Dæmönika at Aug 17, 2006,
#2
I like it but the flow of the last two stanzas don't really match well with the rest, in my opinion;

And all the while he sat in the chair
His head free of a single hair
And he said to me that I did well
But my soul is not for me to sell

He shakes my hands and bids me leave
I lift my bag with a grunt and a heave
I bid my tidings and leave through the door
And give rest to the beast hiding under the floor



Still a very good poem though.

Here's mine, Death To The Innocent
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#5
amazing poem, great gathering of perspective looks, icould enter it finely.
...And The Nominees Are
#6
Quote by Dæmönika
POEM: Leave your crits and they shall be returned.

It?s turgid, hanging from the ceiling
Like a black hole, stealing the light

Great openening.

It pulses and throbs and growls a deep growl [Yes I've used the same word twice but I find it adds to its character]- yes it probably does. Just.

It would give angels an awful fright

I think you could find something stronger than "awful fright".
A companion hides in the shadows
Fading in and out of itself
Like a fish out of water it gasps
And it?s ova lie unbroken on the shelf
Above the wooden door
Cracked shells already on the floor
Good.

In the dark recess movement is caught
And the beast emerges from its hiding hole

I love those two lines.

It?s mouth open exposing razor teeth

I think a comma is needed between open and exposing..
It wants to come and swallow me whole [An exact rhyme isn't necessarily a bad thing]- of course it's not.
Get back, foul demon, for it is not my time
I hold my cross out towards the thing

I don't like the use of "thing" here, as you have already described it as a "foul demon", plus more, so I don't thin kyou can use "thing".

And it despairs and cries a bloodcurdling shriek
It absconds through the floor but leaves a ring [Changed so I didn't use the same word twice]
The priceless jewel glistens
With the blood of countless heathens

Good.

And all the while he sat in the chair
His head free of a single hair
And he said to me that I did well
But my soul is not for me to sell

Alright, not as interesting as the rest, by any means.

He shakes my hand and bids me leave
I lift my bag with a grunt and a heave

Sorry, that second line there sounded forced and I generally disliked how it read.

I bid my tidings and leave through the door
And give rest to the beast hiding under the floor

I also dislike the repeat of "leave" here. And "bid". If you have a reason for the repeats, then fine, but I don't see why it was neccessary to use them again.


EDIT: I've given myself a little crit.


Good stuff, but those last two stanzas I think we're really lacking. You did it the other way than most- started strong and on a hig, but finished low. For me, they were what let this piece down.

If you haven't yet, I'd love a comment on the song from my sig. Many thanks.
#7
It?s turgid, hanging from the ceiling
Like a black hole, stealing the light
It pulses and throbs and growls a deep growl
It would give angels an awful fright
A companion hides in the shadows
Fading in and out of itself
Like a fish out of water it gasps
And it?s ova lie unbroken on the shelf
Above the wooden door
Cracked shells already on the floor

In the first line, the punctuation doesn't sound right. You need a semi colin instead of a comma, or else levae the comma and put "and" in there. Just doesn't sound very natural to me. I love the "growls a deep growl". That's amazing. This stanza is perfect. Lovely work.

In the dark recess movement is caught
And the beast emerges from its hiding hole
It?s mouth open exposing razor teeth
It wants to come and swallow me whole
Get back, foul demon, for it is not my time
I hold my cross out towards the thing
And it despairs and cries a bloodcurdling shriek
It absconds through the floor but leaves a ring
The priceless jewel glistens
With the blood of countless heathens

Personally I'm not keen on this, but only really because it's not my style of writing tbh. Nonetheless, I appreciate it's quality, and it definitely is great. Nothing to crit.

And all the while he sat in the chair
His head free of a single hair
And he said to me that I did well
But my soul is not for me to sell

This sudden change is structure is so abrupt it sounds awesome. it took me completely by surprise and I msut say is quite a refreshing change. The rhyming is perhaps overly simple to the extent of being simplistic but this makes it more effective IMO.

He shakes my hand and bids me leave
I lift my bag with a grunt and a heave
I bid my tidings and leave through the door
And give rest to the beast hiding under the floor
The first line is quite interesting indeed. You use the subjunctive tense (whether you realised it or not ) when you say "bids me leave"... but also there is this sense here of "leave" being a noun rather than the verb. For instance, if you "grant someone leave" you are offering them temporary exclusion or whatever... not the most dramatic double entendre but interesting nonetheless
I'm not keen on the repitition of "bid" in the 3rd line though... sounds like you couldn't think of anything better tbh. I would change that. Again though, lovely structure and nice rhyming.

Excellent work here
Quote by Kensai
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#8
Alice: A reference to your thread and a question you posed me, I prefer going by Michael.

That line in the last stanza I had wanted to, I don't know, set the time period if I can say that. You know, not giving a definitive year but from the way I conveyed it, a sense of a time somewhere in the past. I wanted this to be sometime in the past where this was more commonplace (the actions, not necessarily what I'm describing), the holding the cross forward thing, for example, maybe Victorian, perhaps earlier.

Jammy: I want to disagree with you on the starting good and finishing low thing, but I'll accept your thinking and I will agree with a lot of what you said about the other parts.

Jagstang: Thank you for at least replying, there have been over 120 views I think now. I'm very cross < See?

Darren: Another thank you for having a look, I know you're not very good/confortable critting others so I don't really expect anything more from you.
#9
Quote by Dæmönika
Jammy: I want to disagree with you on the starting good and finishing low thing, but I'll accept your thinking and I will agree with a lot of what you said about the other parts.



Yeh, on re-reading I probably didn't express myself exactly. I was just trying to point out that the context didn't seem as strong and intriguing as the rest, not that it was bad writing
#10
Quote by Dæmönika
Darren: Another thank you for having a look, I know you're not very good/confortable critting others so I don't really expect anything more from you.


I've never really been comfortable analysing works of literature, regardless of who they are written by - probably why I failed English tbh - but I'll always try to be impartial, and constructive for you, my friend.
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