#1
Come on, T.V. Guides were all I could think up for the title... Full crit to anyone who catches the musical reference, and no cheating please, I return in full anyway. FurtherFan: I'm getting to yours now. Sorry it took so long.

We danced like limbs and lighter lips, going up like smoke to cover both the sun and the moon (at the same time.) And upon broken trees we sang our drunken hymns sober, because we didn't mean a word of it.


I love you.
I loved you.


We dug for treasure under the eyes of two lovers on the beach near a convent (which stole their souls?) And upon broken fences the birds sang our wedding song sober, because we didn't mean a word of it.

I love her.
I loved her.


We sat in solemn silence in an empty room and smiled whiled we watched it burn and break. And as we sang hallelu, we laughed to ourselves as gold angels appeared, because we didn't mean a word of it.


He loved her.

I have her.

I need her.

You want her.

Who are you
To tell me
What I need?


I am just
Someone who
Tried to help.


The melody lost itself,
Somewhere in between,
The music and the misery.
Last edited by Retribution at Aug 17, 2006,
#2
Come on, T.V. Guides were all I could think up for the title... Full crit to anyone who catches the musical reference, and no cheating please, I return in full anyway. FurtherFan: I'm getting to yours now. Sorry it took so long.

We danced like limbs and lighter lips, going up like smoke to cover both the sun and the moon (at the same time.) And upon broken trees we sang our drunken hymns sober, because we didn't mean a word of it.

I can't say I love the "Danced like limbs and lighter lips", because for me it doesn't paint the picture well enough. Good opener.


I love you.
I loved you.


alrighty.

We dug for treasure under the eyes of two lovers on the beach near a convent (which stole their souls?) And upon broken fences the birds sang our wedding song sober, because we didn't mean a word of it.

I think that first sentence could do with a comma somewhere. The alliteration is beginning to grate.

I love her.
I loved her.


I'm not entirely catching this, but my guess is these parts do show a passing of time and change in events..

We sat in solemn silence in an empty room and smiled whiled we watched it burn and break. And as we sang hallelu, we laughed to ourselves as gold angels appeared, because we didn't mean a word of it.

You seem to have mispelt while. I prefer the smiled/while matching sound over your alliteration here.


He loved her.

I have her.

I need her.

You want her.

Who are you
To tell me
What I need?


I would have had "What I Want?" here, as it matches up with the last phrases.

I am just
Someone who
Tried to help.


The melody lost itself,
Somewhere in between,
The music and the misery.


Great ending.

So, yes, good piece. Interesting ideas and an intriguing theme. I do wish you would post more of your work on here, for it's obvious you have talent.

If you'd like to return, my latest is linked to in my sig. Many thanks.
#3
Quote by Jammydude44
So, yes, good piece. Interesting ideas and an intriguing theme. I do wish you would post more of your work on here, for it's obvious you have talent.

If you'd like to return, my latest is linked to in my sig. Many thanks.


Well thank you.

I used to post TOO much, so I'll try and post whenever I'm actually proud of something. Which hasn't been too much lately. Also, in summer, I just didn't write as much. I tried sometimes but it didn't work.

Maybe I'll finish something old tonight.

You made me realize I messed up my color at the end, thanks.
#4
Hello once more Ret'.

As usual, this piece from you is a rather interesting love song, but perhaps slightly too formulaic to really be something special.

The converstaion part after the third paragraph let the thing down, for me. Before, your writing had been interesting and packed with good imagery, so I'm sure you might be able to think of a different way to represent your ideas there.

I think you've spelt hallelujah incorrectly, unless I'm mistaken. Is that the musical reference you mentioned before?

Still, a good return.
#5
I really liked this except for the "I love her./I loved her." couplets. They really didn't fit in IMO and jsut amde it kidna cliched and bland. Without them, this piece would rock lol. Good job.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#6
The use of sober twice in a row and not teh third time threw off any sort of symmetry, but i dno't think yo uwere going for that so, i think yo uened to find a diffrent word than sober in either the first or third stanza. Also it might sound better as golden angels as opposed to gold angels. Also you have two paraenthesis but not a third to match it up. so i think you need to add a third spot for them in the 5th stanza. also maybe change it from as gold to while golden. just my thought on that line. i thin kthat needs some re-working. the whole I love her i loved her and that whole bit i think is fine, nothing really wrong with it. Now looking back again maybe just cut out the paraenthesis in general i don't think they add too much to the piece. atleast teh second one doesn't i do like the first one though. Just rework a few parts and thi piece will be drastically better i feel. I thought it was pretty good.

edit: I think he meant hallelu not hallelujah different words. and hallelu is in a brand new song, but i donubt that's what oyu are rtalking about. but perhaps.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#7
Oh OK. I haven't heard of the hallelu song, so I thought he might be referring to the Cohen masterpiece.
#8
I'm sorry I can't give a full crit right now, but the whole "I loved you.. I loved you" thing seems a bit weak. The rest of the strong was pretty strong, then you started with the "I have her.. I need her" thing and it kind of turned me off. It seemed like you lost ideas on the way. I like the rest of the verses though. Just my two cents.
#9
Come on, T.V. Guides were all I could think up for the title... Full crit to anyone who catches the musical reference, and no cheating please, I return in full anyway. FurtherFan: I'm getting to yours now. Sorry it took so long.

We danced like limbs and lighter lips, going up like smoke to cover both the sun and the moon (at the same time.) And upon broken trees we sang our drunken hymns sober, because we didn't mean a word of it.


I love you.
I loved you.


We dug for treasure under the eyes of two lovers on the beach near a convent (which stole their souls?) And upon broken fences the birds sang our wedding song sober, because we didn't mean a word of it.
Good here, I like the inclusion of the "which stole their souls" part. But that may just be me.

I love her.
I loved her.


We sat in solemn silence in an empty room and smiled whiled we watched it burn and break. And as we sang hallelu, we laughed to ourselves as gold angels appeared, because we didn't mean a word of it.
Same really, as the last line, but the watched it burn and break part is a little off i think. Maybe just because i dont understand your reference.


He loved her.

I have her.

I need her.

You want her.
Kind of stuffing it into a face of some unknown person?

Who are you
To tell me
What I need?

Defiant, me like it.

I am just
Someone who
Tried to help.


The melody lost itself,
Somewhere in between,
The music and the misery.
Good ending here, kind of has a regretful vibe to it.


As for the musical reference i have absolutely no idea what it is, the only thing that comes to mind is Syd Barret, because of his somewhat recent death. I think i'm wrong, but the last verse made me think that...

When you have time, mines the first link in my sig.
thx
#10
Oh boy. You know what: I'll give it away tomorrow. and by "Musical" I meant Musical Theatre. Like Broadway? Yeah...

And I can't believe no one has realized yet, that each 'verse' has 50 syllables each, which I thought was a neat little touch. Apparently not. (This is the reasoning behind such terms in the last stanza as "gold angels" and "hallelu" Well, not entirely, but slightly. Hallelu was always there. And that isn't Brand New inspired. It's Church Song inspired. Though I do love me some Brand New. And I play a mean cover of Quiet Things.