#1
Crit for Crit
Hey Everyone, I just finished this, and now i don't know what to think of it, part of me thought "hey good", but the other said "damn, that sucks". Its in a different style than i usually use, so I'd appreciate any help.


Survey the damage of the moment
That tore apart the life of trust we led
Made a void now impossible to bridge
With our soul and friendship in its depths

Prechorus:
Tears of anger streak down a path
And tears of fear come in their wake
Mixing to create a pool of blame
Unfounded in their accusations
Of whom guilt screams the loudest

Chorus:
And in the center of the destruction that passion left behind
Among the shattered remains of the comfort once familiar
We try to remember a time once marked by bliss and laughter
But all we see is blurred on this mournful morning after

Examine the scene in this moment
That has made us irrevocabally close
The hybrid now resides in its own being
With both our lives locked deep in its veins

Prechorus

Chorus

What have we lost besides our innocence?
Memories that fade with the smile once bright
But now bitter with the taste of coming pain
That combines with the bitterness of betrayal
A treason unplanned but still conceived
In a blink of time that never was
Yet seemed to last forever
Two mortals bonded closely now
But not in the way they wished
Thinking of their now elusive laughter
And crying on this mournful morning after
#2
I really enjoyed reading this song. Personally, I thought it was good, but some people might think it's too melancholy and gloomy. Anyways, I really liked the structure of it and I thought the word was very profound. Keep up the good work

Crit mine please

Roadmap
#3
Quote by AAA_the_band
Crit for Crit
Survey the damage of the moment
That tore apart the life of trust we led
Made a void now impossible to bridge
With our soul and friendship in its depths


I liked the intro, very strong. To the point, kind of mysterious, as it still leaves things open for possibilities. I only got a brief idea of what the song was about after reading it, and I really liked the mystery factor. The led and depths flowed suprisingly well. Nice.

Tears of anger streak down a path
And tears of fear come in their wake
Mixing to create a pool of blame
Unfounded in their accusations
Of whom guilt screams the loudest


You did a good job of making it sound poetric, but the imagery was just kind of.. bleh. I like how you related your emotions to other things, but it all just feels like I've heard it before. I wasn't really WOW'd, I think it can be made stronger.

And in the center of the destruction that passion left behind
Among the shattered remains of the comfort once familiar
We try to remember a time once marked by bliss and laughter
But all we see is blurred on this mournful morning after


Again, I feel like I have heard all these metaphors before. I am sorry if I am being too harsh. I read the intro and got a sense of your writing, and I'm just relating the rest of the peice according to that. It feels kind of weak for a chorus. It's deffinately better than some of the other songs I have seen though. Just keep messing with it for a bit.

Examine the scene in this moment
That has made us irrevocabally close
The hybrid now resides in its own being
With both our lives locked deep in its veins


Irrevocablly.. I'm not like that. There is nothing wrong with more intelligent-like words in songs, but in this case it just feels out of place. It looks like you pulled out a thesarus and just wrote a word down for the sake of "sounding smart". I would just get rid of it.

What have we lost besides our innocence?
Memories that fade with the smile once bright
But now bitter with the taste of coming pain
That combines with the bitterness of betrayal
A treason unplanned but still conceived
In a blink of time that never was
Yet seemed to last forever
Two mortals bonded closely now
But not in the way they wished
Thinking of their now elusive laughter
And crying on this mournful morning after


Is this a bridge, of the ending? In any case, it wraps up the piece fairly well. You managed to stay on topic and to the point. I don't see very much imagery. I just feel like you keep pushing a sort of medieval/darkness feeling, which does give it a cool effect, but like I said, it just feels like you did it for the sake of doing it. I think you should focus a bit more on imagery, and try avoiding such commonly used metaphors. You can relate your emotions to many different things.. just explore a little bit.

Good luck, and I hope I helped some.

If I could get your comments on my song "The Change Of Seasons/As I waited.." I would appreciate it. (It's in my signature.) Thanks.
#4
Quote by AAA_the_band
Crit for Crit
Hey Everyone, I just finished this, and now i don't know what to think of it, part of me thought "hey good", but the other said "damn, that sucks". Its in a different style than i usually use, so I'd appreciate any help.


Survey the damage of the moment
That tore apart the life of trust we led
Made a void now impossible to bridge
With our soul and friendship in its depths

Good opener. STrong feeling, and you've put it nicely.

Prechorus:
Tears of anger streak down a path
And tears of fear come in their wake
Mixing to create a pool of blame
Unfounded in their accusations
Of whom guilt screams the loudest

Nice metaphor use, which I don't think is overdone here.

Chorus:
And in the center of the destruction that passion left behind
Among the shattered remains of the comfort once familiar
We try to remember a time once marked by bliss and laughter
But all we see is blurred on this mournful morning after

Now that's a better chorus.

Examine the scene in this moment
That has made us irrevocabally close
The hybrid now resides in its own being
With both our lives locked deep in its veins

Meh, I would take out irrevocably, doesn't seem to fit the strong tone you've got going here. But great use of hybrid.

Prechorus

Chorus

What have we lost besides our innocence?
Memories that fade with the smile once bright
But now bitter with the taste of coming pain
That combines with the bitterness of betrayal
A treason unplanned but still conceived
In a blink of time that never was
Yet seemed to last forever
Two mortals bonded closely now
But not in the way they wished
Thinking of their now elusive laughter
And crying on this mournful morning after

The forever line needs more syllables, the flow stops there. "Two mortals bonded closely now" you can't have, because bonded is past tense and so you can't have th enow, I'd just take out that word.


I think this is the best you've written. Hugely strong emotion and you've really worked on this, some of the description of the feeling is great. I could only say as a crit that maybe some time add some other metaphors in so you aren't as direct, because sooner or later writing stuff like that last stanza you will hit a wall with the description, and turn to metaphors anyway, so the sooner the better I think. And Myabe some internal rhyme would help to add and keep the interest throughout.

You have grown alot as a writer, and yu show it with the lack of rhyme and general diction. Good stuff. Do you have a name?

If you could take a look at my latest, it's linked in my sig. Many thanks.
#5
Survey the damage of the moment
That tore apart the life of trust we led
Made a void now impossible to bridge
With our soul and friendship in its depths good, nothing 2 crit

Prechorus:
Tears of anger streak down a path
And tears of fear come in their wake
Mixing to create a pool of blame
Unfounded in their accusations
Of whom guilt screams the loudest amazing prechorus

Chorus:
And in the center of the destruction that passion left behind
Among the shattered remains of the comfort once familiar
We try to remember a time once marked by bliss and laughter
But all we see is blurred on this mournful morning after i can relate again

Examine the scene in this moment
That has made us irrevocabally close
The hybrid now resides in its own being
With both our lives locked deep in its veins i didnt like the use of hybrid, reminds me of Linkin Park, and it seems wierd, this verse overall is good though

Prechorus

Chorus

What have we lost besides our innocence? good question
Memories that fade with the smile once bright again, good
But now bitter with the taste of coming pain
That combines with the bitterness of betrayal ooh, why betrayel?
A treason unplanned but still conceived and then treason?
In a blink of time that never was
Yet seemed to last forever
Two mortals bonded closely now
But not in the way they wished ok, resaved the verse
Thinking of their now elusive laughter
And crying on this mournful morning after decent ending

overall man, i disliked the bringing in of betrayal and treason, dont know how it fit in, but great song overall man, awsome, i can relate to it again, really liked it, hey was i right with the interpretation of part 2?
#6
Okay, I think I returned all the crits now.

Anyway, Amplifysilence, to answer your question about part 2, I'll just explain my basis for the whole thing.
There's a girl that I was best friends with, maybe a little to strange to have a best friend thats of the opposite gender i nthis day and age, but thats how it was. So in part one and, as you could probably guess, part 1/2, I showed how we met, and how it was like when we were friends. But then we started going out, and i though "god, i don't want to turn into some cliche 'boy meets girl, falls in love, the end' thing", so i decided that i would kind of explore into parts that could happen, but hadn't or probably wouldn't. I planned on writing something about how our "love" escalated, which was my beginning intention in part 2. But then, when i was writing, a thought of "what would happen to us if something drastic happened?" I kind of dismissed the idea, but it was always in my head when i was writing part 2, which is probably why it sounds a lot like an accidental pregnancy.
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Aug 18, 2006,
#7
ok... i see... hey it aint wierd, one of my best friends is a girl too, before i fell in love, and after, and still...
#8
ok i dont have time to do a full crit right now... i'll try to get back to you on it
i really liked this peice, but the lines were really long making it difficult yo read, if you could make it abridged, it would help out alot....
i'll try and get back with more crit, but no promises...
i'd give it an 8/ 10 so far
keep on keepin on
peace out
UG's HIPPIE
#9
it confuses me a little...all of the emotions described put a little to much to try and get an image but i must say it is definately descriptive...love the word use but not the idea so much
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#10
Hey.

Survey the damage of the moment
That tore apart the life of trust we led
Made a void now impossible to bridge
With our soul and friendship in its depths
Okay, well, I can't decide wether I like this verse or not. The third line flows really well, but I'm unsure about the beginning. Seems a bit abrupt to me. Not bad at all though.

Prechorus:
Tears of anger streak down a path
And tears of fear come in their wake
Mixing to create a pool of blame
Unfounded in their accusations
Of whom guilt screams the loudest
I'm really mixed up on this. I can get the metaphor your were building on, but "tears of anger" is a turn-off for me. I'd say keep the last 3 lines, but scrap the first two one out.

Chorus:
And in the center of the destruction that passion left behind
Among the shattered remains of the comfort once familiar
We try to remember a time once marked by bliss and laughter
But all we see is blurred on this mournful morning after
The sudden change of flow makes it very lyrical. It feels very different from the rest of the piece, but that's a thing we see often in music. Don't know if it's a good thing. I'd say the lyrics alone, it doesen't seem to fit the rest of the piece. I wouldn't say your rhyme feels forced, but it didn't impress me at all. If you stick with a basic rhyme scheme, like what, ABCC? I would suggest to make it more interesting.It's not bad though, I'm just extremely picky when I crit.

Examine the scene in this moment
That has made us irrevocabally close
The hybrid now resides in its own being
With both our lives locked deep in its veins
Woh, very interesting, but seems like you wanted to say so much with so little. Sometimes it can work out well, but maybe here you could make two verses out of this. Just so it fits the piece better. But this one verse alone is, very good.

Prechorus

Chorus

What have we lost besides our innocence?
Memories that fade with the smile once bright
But now bitter with the taste of coming pain
That combines with the bitterness of betrayal
A treason unplanned but still conceived
In a blink of time that never was
Yet seemed to last forever
Two mortals bonded closely now
But not in the way they wished
Thinking of their now elusive laughter
And crying on this mournful morning after
Humkay, second line here I don't like. The repetition of bitter in lines 3-4 is awkward. The rest of it is good, the ending rhyme works very well, and I like the change of structure to finish off.

So overall, a good piece, I can't say it really reached me or anything, seemed like it was too structured for the unstability of the meaning, but that's just me. Like you can see, I would only change minor things. So good job.
#11
i was down with it but what like..."style" is it going for as music wize.
I guess you gotta write about politics to not be emo
#12
mmm, dunno, i was kind of thinking a dashboard confessional sort of sound...

Any for those i promised crits to, ill get em soon, but now im doing summer work 2 days b4 school.