#1
Okay, guys, this is my third submission here. I'm not sure how it will stand up. I personally really like these lyrics, but others might find them very cliche or weak. Please crit. Leave a link to your work and I will c4c.

Let me show you my broken home
The shattered dreams I used to know
A bed for two that now sleeps one
With sheets so cold; Your warmth is gone Edited 8/23/06, based upon crits
I want you to come back again
Before my nightmares will begin
Holding you as my exorcist
Is the only way I can exist

I remember all the times that
you would scream my name
I never thought there'd come a day when
you would scream in pain
Pain of death, pain of your soul, passing from your body
Leaving this world, to the next
Leaving me alone.

Let me show you my broken home
The shattered dreams I used to know
We used to run and laugh and play
But now I drink the day away
My thoughts are dark and always disturbed
I can't get back to the place we were
I ask my god about your death
And curse him for the way you left

Please tell me what you think.
Last edited by lespaul_rentals at Aug 23, 2006,
#2
lol man u asked me to crit this but i think that is really good all your anallogies flow really well and arn't like really far out there that make it lose the pace..it flows good and good post man!!

yo crit this one i kno rhymin aint everything but this one i wanted to make it as
AA style as i could
AA every line rhymes......
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=320042&highlight=goodbye+love+end thx again!!
#3
Nice Lyrics man But only 1 question

how do you fit these lines

you would scream in pain
Pain of death, pain of your soul, passing from your body
Leaving this world, to the next
Leaving me alone.

Body and Next arent really Rhyming

have a look at my song sometime it is not so good because i cant use rhym like you do. with my song it all rhyms.
Anyway good song keep up the good work

Pyro

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=416289
We have just 1 world but we live in different ones!
#4
Quote by Pyro666

how do you fit these lines

you would scream in pain
Pain of death, pain of your soul, passing from your body
Leaving this world, to the next
Leaving me alone.

Body and Next arent really Rhyming


Yes, quite true, they don't rhyme. However, I used consonnance in those three lines to make it fit. "pain, pain, passing" and then "leaving, leaving." I didn't want to rhyme those last lines.
#5
another of yours i liked very much
its very good
only line i think is a bit weird in it was the

My thoughts are dark and always disturbed
I can't get back to the place we were

but im sure thats just me
otherwise i love your word choice in all your lyrics
and how descriptive you are

Keep Up The Good Work
#6



perfect. i love it. wish it were mine. i wouldnt change a damn thing. it says alot.


EDIT: idont like the title, but . . ..its jsut a title. . . . .
LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULER
#7
In the first bit the fourth line is a bit jarring I didn't like the way it interrupted the flow.

The second part don't have much wrong with it I can hear a good rythm with it.

The third part I really don't like the third line much. It seems almost child like in a way.

Overall it's good with a minor tweak here and there you'd have a really great song.
#9


Let me show you my broken home
The shattered dreams I used to know
A bed for two that now sleeps one
Cold sheets that miss your warmth
I want you to come back again
Before my nightmares will begin
Holding you as my exorcist
Is the only way I can exist

I really really like this. Right from the start it's a very inviting piece, that the reader immediately feels drawn into and a part of. I really like your style here. The 3rd line is probably my fav there. Good stuff

I remember all the times that
you would scream my name
I never thought there'd come a day when
you would scream in pain
Pain of death, pain of your soul, passing from your body
Leaving this world, to the next
Leaving me alone.

I like how you use the repitition of "scream" here, it's veyr effective. Normally I would suggest that it is too cliched but ehre I think it works well. This stanza doens't relaly stand out too much to me tbh, but it's good nonetheless.

Let me show you my broken home
The shattered dreams I used to know
We used to run and laugh and play
But now I drink the day away
My thoughts are dark and always disturbed
I can't get back to the place we were
I ask my god about your death
And curse him for the way you left

This is excellent, the repitition of the structure from the first stanza is masterfully done and it has a great aura about it. Best stanza in this piece IMO.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#10
First of all thanks for the crit. While the theme may be cliche (and really how many themes aren't?) you presented it in an excellent way. I really enjoyed reading this piece, especially the first and last stanza. And the last two lines were just breath taking.
#11
Quote by magicninja_
In the first bit the fourth line is a bit jarring I didn't like the way it interrupted the flow.


Changed. Thanks for the tip.


Quote by themarsvolta
First of all thanks for the crit. While the theme may be cliche (and really how many themes aren't?) you presented it in an excellent way. I really enjoyed reading this piece, especially the first and last stanza. And the last two lines were just breath taking.


Thanks for critting back, mate. I'm glad you liked it.
#12
I found the second verse a bit grating. I almost winced when I read it. There's nothing wrong with cliché (there's a reason things become clichés in the first place) as some sentiments never get old... But with the second verse I think it just goes a little too far.

Other than that there's nowt I can see wrong with it.
#13
I really enjoyed this piece. I thought it had great flow to it, and despite the whole "non rhyming issue" with "next" and "body", I think you did a great job. I don't know what it is with everyone thinking everything has to rhyme. I'm not a big rhymer myself but I know how to do it when I feel the need to. You've got a most triumphant set of lyrics right there, bud - keep it up
REVENGE
#14
i read all three of the songs from your sig, and this was my fav, so i'm critting it.

i really liked this one, not really my style of music, but i can feel the kind of sound your looking for
ok, yeah. my name is silly because I signed up when I was 13.

BEDBUGS
#15
I like this one too, as I read it it looks very good, I don't think I would change a thing with it.
#16
Let me show you my broken home
The shattered dreams I used to know
A bed for two that now sleeps one
With sheets so cold; Your warmth is gone
I want you to come back again
Before my nightmares will begin
Holding you as my exorcist
Is the only way I can exist


you said that there will be bits chliche, but not this one. i like this. loved the 'warmth is gone' metaphor. good verse overall. although, i think that there's a slight glitch in flow at the end between the last 2 lines. im not too sure though, but it seems like it could be hard to put across.

I remember all the times that
you would scream my name
I never thought there'd come a day when
you would scream in pain
Pain of death, pain of your soul, passing from your body
Leaving this world, to the next
Leaving me alone.


I can't name a thing wrong here. the only thing that could help is some more fullstops...otherwise it could sound like said in one breath . good flow. original. great work mate!

Let me show you my broken home
The shattered dreams I used to know
We used to run and laugh and play
But now I drink the day away
My thoughts are dark and always disturbed
I can't get back to the place we were
I ask my god about your death
And curse him for the way you left


this was great. i loved this stanza. it concludes the story, and also reinforces the first stanza, by telling the reason why she 'left'. i like the metaphor that she died. i was actually expecting she left you for someone else. again, this adds to originality, and about the metaphor...it shows that she was with narrator/you till the day she died, meaning the narrator and the woman loved each other very much

i liked this song. it's probably one of the best i've critted so far. 9/10
#18
Let me show you my broken home
The shattered dreams I used to know

I really like how it starts


I want you to come back again
Before my nightmares will begin
Holding you as my exorcist
Is the only way I can exist

I can really relate to this part and the
part you edited is better than the old one, it flows alot better


I remember all the times that
you would scream my name
I never thought there'd come a day when
you would scream in pain

VERY GOOD but the second part of the stanza could be better


Let me show you my broken home
The shattered dreams I used to know
We used to run and laugh and play
But now I drink the day away
My thoughts are dark and always disturbed
I can't get back to the place we were
I ask my god about your death
And curse him for the way you left

This is good, but was my least favorite stanza

sorry I couldn't say much about about it
I liked the rhymes throughout the piece overall I'd give it an 8/10
Last edited by stratkat at Oct 21, 2006,