#1
haha this is my first dont worry about going to harsh i've seen others in here and stuff

Last Night
I saw You Again
It Was just in a dream
It's all in my head

It was all blurry
Except for your face
Kept O So clear
In my mind a race

Got too many
Untamed Feelings
Scared of Showing
off too much
God Only Knows
All Of The Healings
It Would Bring
To Feel Your Touch

But Tonight
I'll Wake Up Again
Feeling Empty
It was all in my head

I'll wish I'ld never
dreamed of you
Tonight will be another hurt
Pain caused from what I do

Got too many
Untamed Feelings
Scared of Showing
off too much
God Only Knows
All Of The Healings
It Would Bring
To Feel Your Touch

And this will go on
Again and Again
Every night
It's all in my head

I cant believe
Your whole affect
I feel so stupid
Your always in my head...
#2
i know what i want to say, but im not sure as to how i would go about doing so.. ... . ummmm it seems to me like your lines may be a little too short, seems as though you would be able to combine a few of them. the ones i write are waaay to long and its harder to work with them that way. in my opinion. seems like you kept the same "idea" going. i just think the lines may be a bit too short. try combing a few.
LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULER
#3
A lot of the rhyming seemed forced. As far as the line length goes, is it too short? I feel you're not getting your point across very well. If you had longer lines you would have more room to express yourself.

You need to build off it. Right now it's the scaffolding for a building. Add to it.

Can you crit "Leaving Me Alone" from my sig, please?
#4
well the thing about this song is when i was writing i had just listened to a blink song that had kind of the same style so i kind of had that tune and way in my head but when i put it to music its completely but somehow still fits

the lines are meant to be that short kind of cut off sentences to tell a short story but i should add on to some of them
and the rhyming i dont know i really do need to fix a lot of lines and add to it

and actually the title is wrong it was supposed to be In My Head... Tonight was a different song haha i screwed up