#1
This is a repost of something I wrote. There was a mistake in the subject line so it got closed. Please crit. Leave a link, I will c4c.

REWRITTEN:

One walk along the riverside
Resurrected old memories like ghosts
It drained all the happiness from me
The rememberance of what we were

Glancing at this memory-laced picture
Brings back the times we had
That night you climbed the Tallest Tree
And taunted me from yellow branches

That once we walked in silence
Under a sunset composed of red and grey
Not a word was spoken; Only the water talked
But we knew what the other would say

This is the first time I've walked here alone
This is the last.
Ghosts of memories have haunted me enough
My soul will join them tonight.
Last edited by lespaul_rentals at Oct 27, 2006,
#2
i like it
not your best but i do like it
some of the lines seem kind of umm i dont know exactly how to say but unbalanced i suppose
but otherwise rhyming was very good and painting almost a picture for me in your words

very nice
#3
Quote by lespaul_rentals

One walk along the riverside
Resurrected old memories like ghosts
It drained all the happiness from me
Like a parasite; I am the host

That last line seems really forced, as if you're trying really hard to make the rhyme.

A scan from left to right
Reminds me how much we could have gained
That one night you climbed the Tallest Tree
And from the yellow-tinged branches, called me names

I don't get the left to right line. It feels out of place. The word scanned seems a little too stiff and robotic to be in a song about memories. Maybe take out "one" from "that one night" for fluency's sake. Why did (s)he call you names? I don't get the point of putting that in there. Maybe I'm dumb.

That once we walked in silence
Under a sunset composed of red and grey
Not a word was spoken; Only the water talked
But we knew what the other would say

I'd remove "that" from the beginning. It's a weak construct and, in my opinion, a poor way to start a stanza. Maybe remove "composed" to make it just "Under a sunset of red and gray." I'd take out "only the water talked" as well. Doesn't fit too well.

This is the first time I've walked here alone
This is the last.
My ghost will wander here with those of our memories
A rope and the Tallest Tree will claim my life fast.

Interesting ending, I like it. But I think this whole stanza needs to be re-worded. "My ghost will wander here with those of our memories" is awkward to read, I don't know how it would fit with music. I like what your trying to say, but I feels as though you're having trouble saying it. The message is really cheapened by the sing-song rhyme of last/fast.

Just my .02
I miss Morbid, the metal forum sucks now
#4
i dont like the "that" either.

other then that it was enjoying to read. kind of a grim ending, but we all feel that way from time to time

i've seen some beautiful sun sets and sun rises in my day and i think if anyone could ever use that in a song that it alone would say ALOT. so kudos to the sunset line.
LAISSEZ LES BON TEMPS ROULER
#5
I really like this song but like the others said not the best one but still very good


Pyro
We have just 1 world but we live in different ones!
#7
I liked it. It seemed to paint a slight picture in my mind. hmmmm don't think i can help at all on this one but good job on a good song.
#8
First off, i know that some points i point out have already been mentioned.


first recommendation (not a crit) would be that you should make the rhyming pattern more irregular. it makes it seem more unique, personal and powerful. with the common rhyming patterns (ABCB, AABB) songs sound like nursery rhymes. you don't have to do this.

One walk along the riverside
Resurrected old memories like ghosts
It drained all the happiness from me
Like a parasite; I am the host


i agree with the previous reviewer that this seems a little forced. it's alright though.

A scan from left to right
Reminds me how much we could have gained
That one night you climbed the Tallest Tree
And from the yellow-tinged brances, called me names


first line seems a little off, in size and rythm. i like the last 2 lines. there's somethign about them.

That once we walked in silence
Under a sunset composed of red and grey
Not a word was spoken; Only the water talked
But we knew what the other would say


in this stanza, there's an awkward repetition of ''that once'' (prev stanza ''that one''). i dont know, looks a slightly out of place. good use of drama.

This is the first time I've walked here alone
This is the last.
My ghost will wander here with those of our memories
A rope and the Tallest Tree will claim my life fast.


the ''this is the last'' doens't look too shabby there, despite the size difference.


overall, the rhymes we're okay. they werent toooooo original, while not too cliche. regular rhyme pattern, and 4 lined stanzas don't add to originality. i think you're a very capable songwriter - but hey, not everything is perfect

i'll give this 6.5/10

crit mine (in the signature)
#9
The points mentioned above are all very valid. But regardless, this is a really good song. When I got to the last line I was thinking, NO DON'T DO IT!!! I like what you are trying to say here. This is the way music was meant to be written, with emotion and heart. Great job!!

And if you have a moment, please check mine
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=421696
Light is faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

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"I see, you've been blinded by what you believe" Sully Erna
#11
I loved it all the way up to the last line. Then, the bottom just fell out for me. I like what you did, though. I just wish you could get that last line more, in your FACE, know what I mean. Great imagery throughout, though.
#12
i quite like the song, idea are great but i just think quite a bit of it needs rewordin or fixin a bit. sum of the lines threw me off like a super long one then a like 3 word one.
so great song just need fixin
#13
Okay, I rewrote the problem lines, and tweaked the poem a bit. Thanks to all the people who critted. It helped a lot.
#14
very good man, i really liked the imagrey and i could picture it well.
hey yo said c4c so mine is the one called "my latest creation"
cheers
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