#1
From what I started earlier since it won't be going anywhere.

Shallow pools of liquid brown
niether full or hollow
with withered endless faces
and many men to follow

Swirling in these pools of filth
Exhaustless everhated
well within the caustic grin
The smile has long abated

In between remaining dreams
thoughts are torn asunder
while we hear the shadows fall
as gentle rolling thunder

And dreams that now have faded
as pictures long ignored
Judicious, jousted, jaded
the process draws the cord

Into the blinding mystic
with one last to dispose
fear, folly, failure
I draw this to a close
#2
i like it
the only problem i have is those two last things

And dreams that now have faded
as pictures long ignored
Judicious, jousted, jaded
the process draws the cord

Into the blinding mystic
with one last to dispose
fear, folly, failure
I draw this to a close

i dont know they seem kind of weird to me at first maybe its the wording or something
and i think it ends too quickly
but otherwise good
#4
This entire thing is a masterpiece. I congratulate you. Every word had a purpose, and every word was unique. You used strong verbs, and excellent devices. No forced rhymes at all, good job.

Swirling in these pools of filth
Exhaustless everhated
well within the caustic grin
The smile has long abated


I love the alliteration there.

Can you crit one of mine, please? Take your pick from my sig.
#8
This is really good. The syllables are spot on so it flows really nicely. You used alliteration to adding again to the overall flow of the poem.

In between remaining dreams
thoughts are torn asunder
while we hear the shadows fall
as gentle rolling thunder


I love the last line of this, I don't know if you would call it an oxymoron, but I love besides that. This really is a good piece of work. I'm not really very good at picking out things to do with imagery, e.g. what the metaphors and symbolism mean. This is a stab at it, thought probably wrong. Perhaps a disgust towards humanity or how the good in people has gone? Thats a really vague and bad attempt at interpretation, even from me.
.Brand New.Bright Eyes.This Will Destroy You.

THRRRRRRRREADKILLER!
#9
Wow, I REALLY enjoyed this. The flow is very well together, and the rhyming isn't forced. I think this is a great poem, and I have more to say but I gotta jet(sorry I don't have anything for you to construct.) Could you crit mine? The link is in my sig.....
#10
Very Very nice, I loved its flow and rhythm. Your use of allitieration and imagery were very good - I really can't say much more, other than it is really great!

As for meaning, If I had to take a stab in the dark, certainly the first three stanza remind me of the first world war, thats just me though.

Could you crit my poem if you have time
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6547743#post6547743">https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6547743#post6547743https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6547743#post6547743
#12
I am not that much of a critique about songs.. or anything really.. but this song is really good I like it
Is the meaning about trying to escape someone and becoming hopeless? Lol
#16
woa nice lyrics. kinda sad i dont need anything like this... TT_TT i still need a songwriter, like for lyrics, cus i make all the music, but i think this better fits doom-metal, than my style (as in, guitar style, cuz i listen metal, but play rock, rock balads and hardrockish stuff) n_n i listen anything worse than bad, for your ears, and play anything too difficult for anyone, not me XD

n_n srry how come everytime i tell some1 he rocks, i wind up telling myself i rock?! damn XD

^_^ r u any good at actually playing an instrument?
n_n~♥
#17
Personally I didn't like the first 2 stanzas, they just didn't paint anything in my mind at all. But when you hit the last the stanzas it just progressively gets better with each line. One of my favorite lines "And dreams that now have faded as pictures long ignored"