#1
Okay, criticism is appreciated. It's a song i wrote about a month ago that my band are playing, called : "If you want to". Bear in mind that the lines were written to run into one another, this is just the way they are sung in terms of each new bar.

Your whole demeanour shows a blatant lack of interest.
On past evidence I suppose I should've guessed
that this was the treatment heading my way,
I was naive enough to think differently.
And now it shows, you've got no time for me,
If that's the way it's going to be, fine, but i hope you see,
Even though it's evident you don't care,
You've still managed to get me to the point where:

Everything I'd give to you
is everything i have. As it were.

I'm only trying to get you to look my way,
but i doubt you'd even give me the time of day.
Now I'm sick of you too, but i still can't go,
And you've been here before, which would mean we both know

that if you
want to
we could....
*whistle, wink at audience, you know what i mean*

You could have all my worldy possesions
If that's what need be,
And yes, that makes me a fool for you,
But I'm only a fool 'cause you manipulate me so well.
Now you're unnaproachable,
It's like I'm walking on eggshells every time I try
to communicate. I'm hearing from you second hand
and even I can barely understand why

I would give to you,
Everything I have.
Still, something tells me I would.

I'm only trying to get you to look my way,
but i doubt you'd even give me the time of day.
Now I'm sick of you too, but i still can't go,
And you've been here before, which means we both know

If you
want to,
I'm yours.

But I'm not counting on you to be here any time soon,
I know the way you move.
I keep well informed enough to see
That it's unlikely you'd want anything to do with me.

-----------------------End--------------------------------

It's pretty juvenile topic matter, about a girl, but whatever. I'm 14, it SHOULD be juvenile. Please crit. Thank you in advance.
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Why Thank You.
#2
This is good. I like the way it flows, but in some parts I had to stop, re-read the line, and check which word it rhymed with, disrupting it alittle. It maye have been just the wya I read it.

Your whole demeanour shows a blatant lack of interest.
On past evidence I suppose I should've guessed
that this was the treatment heading my way,
I was naive enough to think differently.
And now it shows, you've got no time for me,
If that's the way it's going to be, fine, but i hope you see,
Even though it's evident you don't care,
You've still managed to get me to the point where:
This is a good opening, it flows well, the idea that the lines flow into eachother has worked effectively here, keeping the attention of the reader, which is definetly what you want.

Everything I'd give to you
is everything i have. As it were.
This is the bit that threw me off slightly, because the ''were'' didn't rhyme with anything. I suppose the sudden stop could represent something and jerk back into something? I can't think what at the moment
I'm only trying to get you to look my way,
but i doubt you'd even give me the time of day.
Now I'm sick of you too, but i still can't go,
And you've been here before, which would mean we both know
This is also good, its flow nicely too, maybe a tiny wincy bit cliche, but still good

that if you
want to
we could....
*whistle, wink at audience, you know what i mean*
Flows well from the last verse, although whistling and winking at the audience would be a change from the tone of the poem, I don't know if ti would fit
You could have all my worldy possesions
If that's what need be,
And yes, that makes me a fool for you,
But I'm only a fool 'cause you manipulate me so well.
Now you're unnaproachable,
It's like I'm walking on eggshells every time I try
to communicate. I'm hearing from you second hand
and even I can barely understand why
Good use of enjambement (sp?), I think you should break it up a little abut half way through, because this could easily be separated for some easy reading, it would also tell the reader when to stop trying to rhyme the words.
I would give to you,
Everything I have.
Still, something tells me I would.
Again nice use of repetition too

I'm only trying to get you to look my way,
but i doubt you'd even give me the time of day.
Now I'm sick of you too, but i still can't go,
And you've been here before, which means we both know
Same as above really, the repetition again sends the message across again and makes whatever feelings you're feeling more well known.
If you
want to,
I'm yours.
Oooh! A change this is my favourite bit, because it differs from the rest of the repetition and stands out very well. The change from ''I would'' and ''We could'' shows almost how you were indecisive and hesitant, now the change ''I'm yours'' shows wants for the person and also shows how the person is thinking, they are now sure and decisive about who they want
But I'm not counting on you to be here any time soon,
I know the way you move.
I keep well informed enough to see
That it's unlikely you'd want anything to do with me.
This runs in the vein of the verse two above this one, well enough, that I think you might even beable to swap them around and it still sound good, a good ending to a good song


Well done

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