#1
Anyone would think I was going soft. Love songs, no swearing...whatever next?

She was real, wholesome and tangible,
A gorgeous mass of wherewithal
And she fell into my lap, now there?s a thought.
I went as red as my hair and I sighed and said
(As she was beautiful and I?m well read)
Some embarrassing quote I?d somehow learnt by rote.

After all, you win and you lose and I had won
I didn?t quite know what we?d become
But I was happy enough to know that we were we.
And her hair was fair and her eyes were blue
I when I told her this she said ?I love you?
And naturally, I could but reply in kind.

When you recycle themes and scenes and such
You cough and splutter and slither into lust
Because love?s such a tired old ride.
After all, words are words are words are words
And words can be said in different ways,
If you?re clever, but love is love is love.

So when our eyes next met so did everything else
And in itchy pseudo bliss we lost ourselves
I felt that love was such a glorious thing.
So very tangible, so very normal, perhaps quite uncomfortable
So please explain why we then didn?t meet again.
I don?t honestly see why we didn?t meet again.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#2
Damn, If I didn't nominate you for wotm last month, I will be this month, and if I did, then congrats, thats twice in a row.

IMO, flawless. Really, the only thing I could say is about the repetition of those words in the 2rd, but they still fitted. Connected perfectly with me, joy to read.

Great job. (Ya big softy). I mean it. You are going soft. :P

EDIT: Matter of fact, the last four things I've written (one of which is in my sig) have all been about the big "L" word, so I guess it's not totaly bad
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 18, 2006,
#4
Cheers to both of ya, but especially to Jammy. Thank you hugely.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#5
Very interesting, especially your variation of rhyme.

Some repetition was quite bad., e.g. 'love is love is love' just doesn't work at all; and the same with 'words are words are....'.

Overall, I thought the quality of this piece varied considerably.


She was real, wholesome and tangible,
A gorgeous mass of wherewithal
And she fell into my lap, now there?s a thought.
I went as red as my hair and I sighed and said
(As she was beautiful and I?m well read)
Some embarrassing quote I?d somehow learnt by rote.
First two lines are fine. 'Now there's a thought' is rubbish for me, just doesnt really have any justifiable presence. The rhymes are also strained.

After all, you win and you lose and I had won
I didn?t quite know what we?d become
But I was happy enough to know that we were we.
And her hair was fair and her eyes were blue
I when I told her this she said ?I love you?
And naturally, I could but reply in kind.
The first line needs serious revision. Some of the flow in this piece in general has been comletely marmalised by overlong lines. The rest of this bit is OK, I think.

When you recycle themes and scenes and such
You cough and splutter and slither into lust
Because love?s such a tired old ride.
After all, words are words are words are words
And words can be said in different ways,
If you?re clever, but love is love is love.
I've already pointed out the repetion issues. The second line - 'and slither' could be left out. It would create a much better flow and would sound better as well. Overall quite a weak stanza, I think.

So when our eyes next met so did everything else
And in itchy pseudo bliss we lost ourselves
I felt that love was such a glorious thing.
So very tangible, so very normal, perhaps quite uncomfortable
So please explain why we then didn?t meet again.
I don?t honestly see why we didn?t meet again.
The rhyming is again weak. Apart from that, a strong finish, and my favourite part of this whole song.

I believe you could change the title, 'cause calling them 'My Fisrt; Second; Third etc. Love Song' gives the reader a bad first impression. Be sure about one thing: titles do matter in poetry! Here for example, 'Why didn't We Meet Again?' would be a very good title, I think.


Well, there we are. I've had lots to say, and hopefully it's been helpful. Love songs are tricky business, for sure, and it takes practise and time to get 'em rith, so good going Alex.

Also, I do quite like it, if I sounded like I didn't then that's not so.
#6
Thanks. I do appreciate all you've said. There is actually nothing wrong with the flow, as the song actually has music, and, when sung, it fits perfectly.
In terms of rhyme I'm not sure where you're coming from either.
You must also remember that the piece is a parody; it isn't actually a love song, hence the title. Take as given that my work will always be parodying or satirising something.
Not meaning to get all defensive about my piece, of course! I guess I'm arrogant enough never to see anything wrong with my work.
I very much appreciate the the time taken with this crit.

Alex
"You can never quarantine the past."