#1
I made a mistake
I’m not even worthy
To hear your voice say:
That we shouldn’t get back together

I don’t even deserve
To get lost in your eyes
This is more than just words
It’s not like my friends lies

A friend’s lie
Tore us apart
Cutting like a knife
Down the middle of my heart
I’m sorry I believed him
It was the wrong thing to do
And I don’t deserve to be forgiven
Forgiven by you

The words he said
About you cheating
Were the exact opposite
Of what the world was seeing

I started to like another girl
But only for a day or two
But she doesn’t make my stomach churn
Like you do

A friend’s lie
Tore us apart
Cutting like a knife
Down the middle of my heart
I’m sorry I believed him
It was the wrong thing to do
And I don’t deserve to be forgiven
Forgiven by you
UG's HIPPIE
#2
I made a mistake
I?m not even worthy
To hear your voice say:
That we shouldn?t get back together
Hmmm, average beginning, i mean, this subject is really overused, so it just makes it kind of bland, not really your fault,

I don?t even deserve
To get lost in your eyes
This is more than just words
It?s not like my friends lies
This has a few issues, it has a horrible flow. The ling about losing yourself in her(presumably) eyes is pretty good, but even that seems kind of bland.

A friend?s lie
Tore us apart
Cutting like a knife
Down the middle of my heart
I?m sorry I believed him
It was the wrong thing to do
And I don?t deserve to be forgiven
Forgiven by you
Mmmm, finally getting an idea of the storyline, the "heart" line has been used a lot, you haven't said "broken heart" but still comes across as a bit cliche. Also, the same for the forgiving part, it just seems overused and unorignal.

The words he said
About you cheating
Were the exact opposite
Of what the world was seeing
I like this line, the best so far in the song, it is very simple, straightforward, doesn't seem like you were trying to force something like the other two verses.

I started to like another girl
But only for a day or two
But she doesn?t make my stomach churn
Like you do
FLow issues here, the last line in particular, the first line almost sounds country like.

A friend?s lie
Tore us apart
Cutting like a knife
Down the middle of my heart
I?m sorry I believed him
It was the wrong thing to do
And I don?t deserve to be forgiven
Forgiven by you

Don't want to seem harsh, but i really didn't like this song, the verses sounded forced and unoriginal, and the "im unworthy parts" sound exactly like a million other songs, maybe fix it up a bit, you know, a few more metaphors, i liked the one with the eyes. Maybe fix up the flow, add some more imagerym go into more detail with your verses, make this thing your own.

Still hope you can check mine. First in my sig.
thx and keep on writing.
Last edited by AAA_the_band at Aug 18, 2006,
#4
hey there....new thing???
hhhmmm ..... i see your situation throught the song, its very clear, but i think you better try to use some more rich vocab or something, cause IMO it sounds a bit toooo simple, you know wha i mean?
anyways, keep on cool stuff, peace
#5
I like it, its a good subject and i like the storyline, i can see this being a good song if you can put some tunes to it....check out my song its in my sig thx
Check for "Taking a Picture (Won't capture this)
#6
thanks peoples...sorry that i didnt do good enough on it...i'll fix it up some aight?

peace out
UG's HIPPIE