#1
Hey i havent put lyrics on here in ages. Crit for Crit. tell me wat ya think.

We were destined to be
Through all the pain
The misery of loss
Still you soldier on

Suffering in silence
Is the passion still there?
Through all this of violence
Living in depression

Look who?s all alone
With a broken soul
The sting of hatred
Claims another life

Alive on the outside
Fighting for what you have
Lifeless on the inside
What?s really worth fighting for?

Look who?s all alone
With a broken soul
The sting of hatred
Claims another life

You found comfort in pain
Just like playing with fire
It will swallow you whole
Engulfing your torn heart

And as I wander on, all around are gone
Burning in their disgraces are the stares of the faceless
And now that you live for another day my life is washed away
And now that you?re here dying again your face you will replace.

well thats that. tell me wat ya think.
Skemp

METAL UP YOUR ASS
#2
Quote by skemp1169__

We were destined to be
Through all the pain
The misery of loss
Still you soldier on

Suffering in silence
Is the passion still there?
Through all this of violence
Living in depression


I liked this start, although the last line of the second stanza didn't really do anything for me, it just tailed off. Perhaps you could link it better?

Quote by skemp1169__

Look who?s all alone
With a broken soul
The sting of hatred
Claims another life


I don't think this is a very strong chorus, you could try and beef it up a bit by writing more/or longer lines to differentiate it more from the verses and the rest of the song.

Quote by skemp1169__

Alive on the outside
Fighting for what you have
Lifeless on the inside
What?s really worth fighting for?


I don't like this, It sounds quite forced - especially the second line, however, in saying that I feel that a rephrasing of this may serve as a better chorus than the above.

Quote by skemp1169__

You found comfort in pain
Just like playing with fire
It will swallow you whole
Engulfing your torn heart


Nice.

Quote by skemp1169__

And as I wander on, all around are gone
Burning in their disgraces are the stares of the faceless
And now that you live for another day my life is washed away
And now that you?re here dying again your face you will replace.


This is certainly the best part of the song! I really liked this part, and this leads to my final suggestion - write longer lines!! Short lines can be good when used to add impact or to emphasize a point, but I feel that you use too many and this really takes away the substance from your writing, and you can really see this by how good that last verse is!

Just my opinions anyway...

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=6547743#post6547743