#1
I don't write often, what can I say.

This piece is beginning to stitch together many of my older pieces posted here into a storyline. Hopefully, this will intertwine itself just right to form an epic narrative in verse. Pay close attention to recurring symbols, narration, capitalization and common themes between my pieces. This is an early installment, one of the first chronologically in the series (the first is To Pen the Name). The following piece is called The Draft, but is not yet written. The Bell comes next, followed by Silver Reflections. Plastic Explosives will be the denouement (though not the last piece) of Part I.
Resurgam will be included as part of Part II.

I feel it's too early to give a synopsis of the storyline just yet, but you can get a brief idea from the pieces. The two divisions are meant to be the first life and the rebirth.




Birth: An Unexpected Vindication


Asking for a scapegoat,
The Man addressed his unit;
A pluralistic posse
Of over-zealous men,
Prepared to rise to the occasion
As he produced a phantom pen.


I scanned this situation
As best I could among the rows,
Until a sudden single question
To my attention rose:

If really, truly, surely
Only one of us may be
The tallest man of silken tongue
Surrounded by debris,
Than surely I must be the one
Who steps ahead and drops his gun.

A tap on the back; betrayal
Silently slips through many an ear
As I am handed, rather transmitted
The weapon of the volunteer;
silent and steady
lacquered and deadly,
sewn into our fabric
through a crimson thread of fear.


Captured for a moment,
A contract penned in holy blood.
A cadet becomes a demigod,
Opalescent in the mud.
Rejected by the bourgeoisie,
Damnèd by the muse,
The power is boiling in he
Who has nothing to lose.
#2
Exellent. I loved it.

I think the only things I can possibly give to crit are:

"Crimson Thread"- I've seen a lot of crimson lately, and I fear it's slowly becoming a cliche. I'd try and go for something abit different.

"To my attention rose"- I think could maybe re-phrased slightly. I know it flows, and you should stick with the rhyme, but it was probably one of the more awkward reading parts.

That's it. Seriously, because I can't fault it. That second point I made is completely redundant, because I'm basically tying to not look unhelpful. Great stuff, Once more, and I can't wait to read the following pieces.

If you'd like, rather than take a look at the one in my sig, I should have a new one up tomorow, so If you could get to that somewhen, I'd be thankful.

EDIT: Now it's the one in my sig.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 19, 2006,
#3
While I see this as a masterful, woven, texturus use of the English language. The content is blase and devoid of derivative meaning, it all seems so nonchalant. I guess the fact this is an opening, it is to be expected, but apart from my admiration at its style the narrative does little to drawn me in. If i had to mention the content, to me it seems to end here already, whether the fact it is about after-life in a way, and thus meaning the continuity is perfect, it still seems too aware of stylistic features than actual story.

Sorry to be so harsh, I guess, without the accompaniment of any further reading as yet, deminishes my feelings towards this as a single piece. The need for questions here far outweighs anything, to be honest, I see no reason to read on anymore. Raise the element of doubt if you wish not to leave this open-ended, but do something to make me come back for part II.

And on a very negative note, I get a Coheed and Cambria feel to this. Just a remark nothing more. And I say negative, because I dont want this to sound like anything but its own voice. Which I know it can be. The parts surrounding the gun, and certain images relate to me on a similar level as does C&C.

In a series I may change my opinon, as a single piece, I hoped for less resolution.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#4
Quote by pooch0072
I don't write often, what can I say.

This piece is beginning to stitch together many of my older pieces posted here into a storyline. Hopefully, this will intertwine itself just right to form an epic narrative in verse. Pay close attention to recurring symbols, narration, capitalization and common themes between my pieces. This is an early installment, one of the first chronologically in the series (the first is To Pen the Name). The following piece is called The Draft, but is not yet written. The Bell comes next, followed by Silver Reflections. Plastic Explosives will be the denouement (though not the last piece) of Part I.
Resurgam will be included as part of Part II.

I feel it's too early to give a synopsis of the storyline just yet, but you can get a brief idea from the pieces. The two divisions are meant to be the first life and the rebirth.

Just like to say first off that I am intrigued by the idea of making a series of songs into a story, I know this has been done but I have not really been exposed to it.




Birth: An Unexpected Vindication


Asking for a scapegoat,
The Man addressed his unit;
A pluralistic posse
Of over-zealous men,
Prepared to rise to the occasion
As he produced a phantom pen.

I found this to be a strong opening. Now, I know not every submission is a song, but I am having a hard time picturing this put to music. It almost stands alone.


I scanned this situation
As best I could among the rows,
Until a sudden single question
To my attention rose:
A little sing songy, but good none the less.

If really, truly, surely
Only one of us may be
The tallest man of silken tongue
Surrounded by debris,
Than surely I must be the one
Who steps ahead and drops his gun.
Could almost do without the surrounded by debris line. It seems tagged on. If you are attached to it, it still works.

A tap on the back; betrayal
Silently slips through many an ear
As I am handed, rather transmitted
The weapon of the volunteer;
silent and steady
lacquered and deadly,
sewn into our fabric
through a crimson thread of fear.
I like this stanza alot.


Captured for a moment,
A contract penned in holy blood.
A cadet becomes a demigod,
Opalescent in the mud.
Rejected by the bourgeoisie,
Damn^ed by the muse,
The power is boiling in he
Who has nothing to lose.
Very solid last few lines. Good ending, leaves it open, but you can feel that the song has an end at this point.


I enjoyed this song. I have to say though, you're writting is alot more complex than what I usually listen to or read. So maybe my opinions arn't as valueable as some other peoples. I liked it though, good writing.
Last edited by Maj_Tom at Aug 20, 2006,
#5
Wow, I have to say that this was one of the best songs I have ever read. It was so eloquently written that it just blows other pieces out of the water. Anyways, keep up the good work and you might want to think about getting this published.

Crit mine please

Love
#6

Asking for a scapegoat,
The Man addressed his unit;
A pluralistic posse
Of over-zealous men,
Prepared to rise to the occasion
As he produced a phantom pen.

I like the way you capitalise "The Man"... bringing identity to an otherwise anonymous character, also keepnig that touch of mystery to the piece. I mean like, sure we all know of "The Man" as in God... but it can also be sued to jsut mean anybody in charge. And even so, doesn't have to be that. Lovely ambiguity.
"pluralistic posse" is fantastic. Combining street-slang with english literature in alliteration is an amazing technique, one that I'll definitely be more aware of from now on. Awesome!
Cool rhymnig as well, although tbh I don;t like the sound of "phantom pen". Sounds just a tad too corny IMO, like something out of ghostbusters or whatever. I see where this is going though, from what I know about the nature of this piece, and indeed series of pieces

I scanned this situation
As best I could among the rows,
Until a sudden single question
To my attention rose:

I'm undecided about the use of "rows" with "rose". On the one hand it's fantastic... rhyming the same phonetics but completely different word... but on the other hand it sounds weird lol. In any case, i think the last line could do with perhaps a couple extra syllables, it seems kinda short atm. Lovely words though. I hate sounding cliched, but you paint a great picture here haha.

If really, truly, surely
Only one of us may be
The tallest man of silken tongue
Surrounded by debris,
Than surely I must be the one
Who steps ahead and drops his gun.

This is perfect. I can't begin to tell you how much I LOVE this structure and rhyming. When I read it and when I now reread it I can't get over the "may be" with "debris". It is phenomenal lol. I know it sounds sad to get so excited about a rhymnig scheme lol but I love it!!

A tap on the back; betrayal
Silently slips through many an ear
As I am handed, rather transmitted
The weapon of the volunteer;
silent and steady
lacquered and deadly,
sewn into our fabric
through a crimson thread of fear.

The carry-on line in the first here is very very effective I feel. The reader automatically pauses after "on the back", where the semi-colon breaks it, but this breaks our visual pattern. It's amazing how you have separated the visual from the audial (is that a word lol?) You know what I mean anyhow lol.
This stanza is also perfect. I especially like how your alst line rhymes back to earlier lines. Very nciely done.


Captured for a moment,
A contract penned in holy blood.
A cadet becomes a demigod,
Opalescent in the mud.
Rejected by the bourgeoisie,
Damn^ed by the muse,
The power is boiling in he
Who has nothing to lose.

Again perfect. here I have nothing to crit and even nothing to say about it of which it is worthy to type. I mean, I could ramble on as I have already about how great this is, but what's the point? This is perfect and it sounds perfect and it works perfectly. Le fin, lol.

Excellent job here. I really enjoyed this.
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