#1
Completely On The Spot, probably crap, but its what I've been feeling recently. I might revise it in the morning but I probably wont... leave a link.


In early September we had played wolves,
Living in an old termite ridden playhouse every recess,
I the father, you the mother.
And we had smoked together, the biggest blunts we could find, while we sat calm
Smiling wide, giggling, killing our voices in all-school-sing songs,

And when teacher found us, warm and laying in one anothers pawing arms
She took our matches and burned her eyes shut, only whispering:

"Time's shrill in her response, she will
Kiss you like you have pleaded for,
Fuck you like the wolves you are
For you are no longer amoung me and mine,
Dead, dead, you are now dead to all."

In early September we had played wolves,
Living in an old termite ridden playhouse every recess,
I the father, you the mother.
And I asked you what clothing was for. We had no answer.
We burned our threads, socks, shirts and skirts
And stood eerily natural next to one another,
The wind blew in, I kissed your neck, and everything was just too... perfectly real.
We touched chests and we held each other, fading back to song:

"Time is shrill in her response, she has
Kissed us like we have pleaded for,
Fucked us like the wolves we are
For we are no longer amoung human kind,
Dead, dead, we are now dead to all
For innocence is a blessing
And now we hear the hearse calling out for
The pleasure beyond fate's allusion,
Our pleasure."


{We had no aswer because... we were already ghosts}

Last edited by #1 synth at Aug 19, 2006,
#2
Certainly interesting, Mr. Synthmeister.

I'll be honest - I don't really like this. It is well written, as per usual from your good self, but often the quality of writing about those bitter emotions usually ends up as the feelings themselves.

The first two stanzas are good, for sure, also the fourth, but the harshness of the refrain, not to mention the strong imagery created by the swearing, does the piece no favours. The finish I also found disappointing and too negative.

I'd like to see you calm down firstly, and then try an rewrite the third and fifth stanzas in a more constructive manner, because I believe the rest has the makings of a fine piece.
#3
Basing this entirely on a quick read (as I'm going out) I really liked the structuring and the quality of the atmosphere. That's what hit me first. It's definetely not crap.

(I hate it when people say this but) could you possibly take a look at mine?

Alex
"You can never quarantine the past."
#4
no. i hated this piece.

"And I asked you what clothing was for. We had no answer.
We burned our threads, socks, shirts and skirts
And stood eerily natural next to one another,"

Although i thought that those three lines were very good. as well as

"For innocence is a blessing
And now we hear the hearse calling out for"

except i think you should have ended it after out. the rest of the piece i felt was a little too weird and just i didn't see the point in it i guess. it seems so childish to be 'playing wolves' and but then you allude to being much older by the use of drugs. and i don't knwo any 5 year ols that smoke weed. regardless. i didn't like the way it was all put together and used.

edit: i think the first part of your title is weak. that you should change it to just the second half.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
Last edited by furtherfan21 at Aug 19, 2006,
#5
Meh.

I'd have to go with the majority and say I didn't really enjoy this piece. Just the whole attitude in it, I didn't get on with. I also thought, like furtherfan, that the time line was a bit messed up.

So, sorry, just didn't get on board with this. Nowhere near your best, although the ideas were good, the execution seemed pointless and far too direct.

I should have a new one up fairly soon, if you'd like to take a look. (Edit- it's now in my sig)
Last edited by Jammydude44 at Aug 19, 2006,
#7
i love the whole concept it's alice cooper-esqe
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#9
Yo synth, umm... not sure what to say, i didnt dislike it, didnt fall in love with it either, but i liked it actually, many didnt, but... really wierd, maybe a little too much information but i, well obviously it was well written, but i also thought it was pretty cool, i mean it aint the type ill show my sister or my mom or somn like "check this out its cool" but personally, its too much kind of, and i think u know what i mean, but its still good... thats all ill say

if youre critting back my latest is Another Restless Summer Night, sigged
#10
oh and you said about brokeness of age being the point, love that, good job, (i read it after posting)
#11
Loved it. Very nice for being on the spot. I think the repetition doesn't serve that strong of a purpose, though, until the italicized section. The second regular section seems like a re-wording of the first. That's my biggest complaint.

I think I'll have a new one up today. Would be nice if you took a look.

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