#1
A sort of break form my recent stuff, in a way. Leave a link, if you please.
------------------------

I drive down the path
In the middle of my local park,
Safe in a chassis of flesh and bone.

No clear markings;
No obvious traffic signs;
It seems impossible that
We?re not allowed to
Lose ourselves sometimes.

A hazard up ahead:
A five-year old boy,
His learner plates invisible
But still there for all to see
Swerves into an O.A.P;
The elderly woman
Gives him a short blast
With the horn of her eyes;

And as she moves off too quickly,
Her trolley clipping the bumper
Of an onrushing pram,
It makes me smile
And remember that, really,
We?re all still wearing
Learner plates.
#2
Ah I'm finding less and less to comment on with your stuff, you're too consistent.

I'd say that I would love it if you only mentioned "learner plates" at the end, because I think it came to a slight anti-climax when you ended with the repeat of that phrase, it just lacked the impact it could have.

As your pieces go, I don't think this one was as good as you're others, probably for the reason above. But it's still good.

If you could keep an eye out for my next one (up soon) It'd be appreciated. Many thanks.
#3
I love the elegant simplicity of it. The final four lines are beautiful, so devilishly simple. You create a mood with words very effectively. Anything else I've said Jamie above has already said better, so listen to him.

Good work. My piece, 'My Second Love Song' is being all but ignored. So if you have the time you...(you know what to do, karma and all that).

Alex
"You can never quarantine the past."
#4
Well, contrary to everyone else, I wasn't a big fan of this one. It improved as i read along but it started out a little weak. I don't know i didn't liek this one nearly as much as your other stuff... i didn't really like the style i guess. well the word choice more i suppose.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#5
What's a learner plate? Is it like the student driver license plate or something?

Yeah, that aside I thought this was ok. The diction is a bit too plain to be really interesting. The "horn of her eyes" struck me as kind of boring. Still fairly decent read though.
#6
Mmm.. interesting.

I liked it. *Thumbs up*
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Amps: Fender Eighty-Five
#7
It's not bad in its simplicity and the odd interesting phrase, but I found it didn't flow that well. The lines just didn't... sync. I hate that word. Anyways, it'd be alright if it moved along a little better. I got caught up a little because of it and part the feeling was lost.
Main Gear:
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#9
The first stanza is done really well. Is it meant to be an intro? It leads in really well to the rest of the song, and kind of paints you as the observer already.

The second stanza is solid. What sort of music do you (if any) intend to put to it? I haven?t read any of your other pieces, but I like this one.

As said before, the picture of the learner plates is really cool, and as well with the use of the old woman, scowling at the younger generation. Just a question for all the ignorant people out there (like me); What is an O.A.P? I like the use of the letters themselves, as it gives the stanza a more punchy feel to it through the middle when being read.

And the last verse sums up the whole, almost comedic feel of the song well. With the last lines ?We?re all still wearing. Learner plates?. Although the pictures shown are sort of ironic, it is done really nicely.

I?d really like to know what type of music you intended to go with it. Crit for crit? Linkage in my signature.

-Turaki
#10
wow...it's so different from all that you did!...
but i actually like it, IMO it's like so original.
#11
Haha brilliant. I like it a lot. I always like your themes.
Meh, I don't have mch else to say. The first stanza didn't really flow so much...the second was fine, as were the rest. Lol, sorry, I've no real advice
Nice piece. Ro
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