#1
Burning Bodies Lie

staring through this screen door
feeling like a prisoner of war
cant reach the outside
i cant run nor can i hide
i think of the keeper of the stars
and wonder if they see these scars

hearts yearning for reconstruction
im sick and tired of this ****in ****
as im on my way to self destruction
the gasoline is down and ready to be lit

theres nothing left of me
but these splattered love songs
and the hate that i now feed
on this hit and run path
i cant sleep or dream
just lay here and scream

hearts yearning for reconstruction
im sick and tired of this ****in ****
as im on my way to self destruction
the gasoline is down and ready to be lit

see the burn marks in my skin
3rd degree upon my chest
this is my final request....
(pause)
....let my burning body lie....
....im sorry, please dont cry....
....dont worry, youve set me free....
....walk away, just let me be....
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#2
i know the ending is really cheesy, but i was in a hurry..i have to go to work now....
My Gear:
Washburn Lyon Tele Copy
ESP LTD MH250NT
Samick D7-CE :
Digitech Death Metal Pedal
Dunlop Jimi Hendrix Wah
Peavy Renown Solo Series Amp
#3
Seems way overdramatic. And way to emo. But please don't kill yourself 'cause I said this. I know that's probably all that it would take to push you over the edge.
#4
Quote by WOODnotes
Seems way overdramatic. And way to emo. But please don't kill yourself 'cause I said this. I know that's probably all that it would take to push you over the edge.



^ that was kind of a retarded thing to say
#5
anyways... no for something alittle more helpful. i felt this was cheesy an you forced and used weak rhymes, hide/inside for example. the flow is all off.

"theres nothing left of me
but these splattered love songs
and the hate that i now feed
on this hit and run path
i cant sleep or dream"

I felt that was the strongest part of your piece. as well as the let my burning body lile line but other than that i didn't really think anything was that good.

hearts yearning for reconstruction that was a good line too, but then you followed it with a very poor set of lines. the swear words i feel convey a lack of vocabulary and the construction destreuction rhyme was very weak.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#6
i donno why i dont agree with these guys^^^
i liked the song cause of the flow actually, n even if rhyming was simple, it doesnt mean its bad, right?...only thing i felt was forced was: stars-scars...
...eeem, what else?...well, yea the ending was a lil bit cheesy......i almost hated it...
but i think the chorus is cool, i think with music it will sound great.
Peace
#7
ok mate, im busy now, but i promise ill get to yours either tomorrow or tonight, in a cursory reading, i though it was okay, but ill do a full one later.

A link for mines the first in my sig, if you have the time.
thx, look forward to a good crit from me soon.
#8
Ummm you've too much emphasis on rhyme here, it dominates the piece, and I get the feeling it clouded your real intentions, you never said what it is you exactly wanted to say, sacrificing content for the sake of a rhyme scheme, which is both cliche and hindering.

Flow is not found through rhyme nor to an extent syllable count, where a syllable count would give you a sense of flow in as much as you read it der der der...der der der. It does nothing more. Flow is found when you construct a sentence that means you dont have to twist your mouth or change shape in order to say a line, basically I mean you should try and clump soft sounding words together and harsh sounding words together in each sentence. Use alliteration more, siblance and other similar literary devices above rhyme in the future.

Also you need to be aware what you similes say, in regards to the piece especially.
"but these splattered love songs" seriously splattered here is just awful, it may loosely tie to hit-and-run, but it does nothing for this line at all, scattered would have worked better, its not a direct reference to the hit-and-run but enough to relate, where as also scattered works within the line itself.

Im not here to destroy your heart and soul. Theres little point me telling you what was great, you need to know whats wrong. Dont dwell on this piece, take what i've said and apply it to your next piece. You shouldn't be concerned with content at this point that will come later, work on you methods first. Maybe write your next piece on the same topic, but with the above advice. Never rush your writing an never rely on nothing but what comes from your head, if you use rhymezone or dictionary.com its not you that said that, its not what you felt.

gd luck

peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.