#1
Ok, didn't know what to put up here, so I figured I'd see what you thought of this, it's something a little bit different.

All comments welcomed. Critique for critique.

Enjoy


I painted you a picture
Not so long ago
Multi-coloured
An abstract piece
Of an all too simple scene

It wasn't a portrait of my life
By any means
But what it showed
Was a moment that struck me
As life changing
For when these moments of my life
Took place
Certain aspects of my being changed
Contorted
Took on a different form

So each time I hang
A new piece in my gallery
Of conceptional art
I move a little bit more away
From being an extrovert
And more towards
Being an introvert

And now I don't leave my gallery
I stay painting each and every day
Abstract self portraits
For now that is all that I know how to paint
#2
im not good at critting pieces dude but i can tell you i was down with it.....the very first stanza i liked the most though....then i like how you tell what the "portrait" wasnt .....i think i understood the third stanza until i got to the words introvert and extrovert, not sure what they mean, but you helped me cause im gonna go find out what they do mean....which will hopefully help me understand a bit more....but i did like it man
I guess you gotta write about politics to not be emo
#3
First of all thank you for the crit. Anyways, I thought this piece was very well written. I really liked the theme of it. Overall I just thought it was a beautiful song, especially the last stanza. keep up the good work.
#4
Im not sure if im taken with this piece or not. It is perfectly solid in content. But still I get the impression it was lacking on a personal level, as thought the extended metaphor took over, and you seeked not to persue the emotional aspect, but to elaborate on the existing theme.

In the second stanza the double "moment" and "change" reflected poorly on the diction, i'd work on improving those parts. Perhaps think about adding an "and" to begin the final line of that stanza too. It would help the flow, which is hard to grasp due to the scattered layout, and wording. Despite this, the haphazzard structure does reflect the apparant mind and probably style of painting the artist uses. Cut the "so" to begin stanza 3, we can see its a story continuation. I would also love to see some grammar here, regardless of the fact this may be lyrics, when its in this format, simple punctuation can really alter the way a piece is read,slwing parts down for more effect, or allowing tempo changes to reflect a more concerned/hurried part.

peACE
Steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
I painted you a picture
Not so long ago
Multi-coloured
An abstract piece
Of an all too simple scene
A fine beginning. I would point out that in this kind of work, it's essential you add in punctuation. Boring I know,but it can make the piece come across differently.

It wasn't a portrait of my life
By any means
But what it showed
Was a moment that struck me
As life changing
For when these moments of my life
Took place
Certain aspects of my being changed
Contorted
Took on a different form
This is also OK. You have kept the piece moving along, without being too descriptive.

So each time I hang
A new piece in my gallery
Of conceptional art
I move a little bit more away
From being an extrovert
And more towards
Being an introvert

And now I don't leave my gallery
I stay painting each and every day
Abstract self portraits
For now that is all that I know how to paint
I have been seriously impressed by this, my jammy friend. These last two stanzas are done nicely, and leave me with an incredibly bitter taste in the mouth. Basically, a decent portrait of a troubled character. You maybe might cut down a couple of lines, especially the last one, for it is too long, and disrupts the flow at the crucial point.

Cheers for now.
#6
Thankyou all, especially The Hurt Within and CJW. I actually can't believe I didn't put it any puntuation, that was one heck of a slip up. So thanks for pointing it out, and I shall add it at a later date.
#7
I really love the song. like you said nice DIFFERENT subject. really nice


Pyro
We have just 1 world but we live in different ones!
#9
well i'm critting this as i go and i think you shoud put an "and" before 'took on a different form' i think that would read better.

"So each time I hang
A new piece in my gallery
Of conceptional art"

This is awkward to me since it is more common to have it say 'a new piece of conceptual art in my gallery'. i don't really like the way you have it.

Excellent ending though. I liked it a lot. really an amazing ending. other than thee things that i mentioend before i though tthis was a pretty good piece.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#10
Quote by Jammydude44
Ok, didn't know what to put up here, so I figured I'd see what you thought of this, it's something a little bit different.

All comments welcomed. Critique for critique.

Enjoy


I painted you a picture
Not so long ago
Multi-coloured
An abstract piece
Of an all too simple scene
Pretty darn solid start. Maybe it could flow a bit more, but usually things like this smooth themselves out when you sing it (if you intend to).

It wasn't a portrait of my life
By any means
But what it showed
Was a moment that struck me
As life changing
For when these moments of my life
Took place
Certain aspects of my being changed
Contorted
Took on a different form
The long - short - long - short is a bit tedious here. If you could lengthen the shorter lines it might help. Still, a stanza with alot of potential.

So each time I hang
A new piece in my gallery
Of conceptional art
I move a little bit more away
From being an extrovert
And more towards
Being an introvert
At first I didn't like this, but after rereading is grew on me. Just a compliment not a crit

And now I don't leave my gallery
I stay painting each and every day
Abstract self portraits
For now that is all that I know how to paint
The ending is very final which is good but just not really one that makes me go "wow". With a little reworkings, I would be wowing.


This a piece I really enjoyed even though it's not my style, which I sometimes have a hard time breaking through. If you find some time, could you crit my work in my sig? Thanks.
Please help me by reviewing my lyrics
#12
I havent looked at anyone elses comments, this is strictly my views on it at 3 am

I painted you a picture
Not so long ago
Multi-coloured
An abstract piece
Of an all too simple scene
I'm one of those that cant live without punctuation, I need some commas in there. Actually, unless you are extremely smart and are playing off the contrast between the 'abstract' and the concise short line breaks I would just make the piece shorter with less line breaks. Topic-wise I'm interested, this could either be hit or miss, but its a damn good intro as I wanna see.

It wasn't a portrait of my life
By any means
But what it showed
Was a moment that struck me
As life changing
For when these moments of my life
Took place
Certain aspects of my being changed
Contorted
Took on a different form
I need something concrete here. I mean I know you are experimenting so I'll cut you some slack, in fact, if I wasnt me, I'm sure I would love this, it certainly appears good in content. however, its way too abstract for my tastes, like I'm fine with abstract, my pieces are always based on abstract ideas but what I try to do and what I think you are missing is an attempted balance between the abstract and specific. If i were you I would compromise your complete experimentation with the abstract and include something real symbol in here, like what the painting is of (though that ruins the allure so its probably a bad idea.

So each time I hang
A new piece in my gallery
Of conceptional art
I move a little bit more away
From being an extrovert
And more towards
Being an introvert
right here I think you could have played the 'stepping away from the painting to see it better' idea more instead of directly explaining it, if you see what I'm saying. Other than that, very good.

And now I don't leave my gallery
I stay painting each and every day
Abstract self portraits
For now that is all that I know how to paint
Its good, the last stanza is the best, very relatable for me especially. And actually aside from the little abstract vs. concrete complaint, I have nothing else to say, good job.
#13
Quote by Jammydude44

I painted you a picture
Not so long ago
Multi-coloured
An abstract piece
Of an all too simple scene

I don't like the short lines comprising incomplete statements, although for effect they're okay. It's a pretty bland opening and nothing catches my eye.

It wasn't a portrait of my life
By any means
But what it showed
Was a moment that struck me
As life changing
For when these moments of my life
Took place
Certain aspects of my being changed
Contorted
Took on a different form

It reads as if it were to be spoken, which I suppose is a good thing, especially if you want the reader to connect with you and your feelings.

So each time I hang
A new piece in my gallery
Of conceptional art
I move a little bit more away
From being an extrovert
And more towards
Being an introvert

Can't say much about this stanza. I think this is the best stanza, but the diction is simple and plain. That being said, it's not a bad stanza. What words you've used you've used them well.

And now I don't leave my gallery
I stay painting each and every day
Abstract self portraits
For now that is all that I know how to paint

Solid-enough ending. The more I read of it and the more times I do, I become more accustomed to it and it gets to me that it seems you are directly speaking to me. It's like your thought processes and feelings are coming from inside you straight to the paper/screen with you unconsciously moving the pen. I commend you for that at least



It's something which needs to grow on some people and I think it did on me. The diction, as I said, was simpler than what I've seen you use before.

I won't ask you to have a look at mine because I came here on the back of the one I owed you after critting my last one, but if you want to have a look, by all means.

EDIT: I spoke too soon
#14
I totally agree with Michael above me in that it grows on you. Returning to this I could almost hear it spoken. Just add some punctuation, 'cos then you, my friend, will have written another cracker.
"You can never quarantine the past."
#15
I was gonna do a full crit on this but i realized most of what i was gonna say was already said. They beat me to this. Oh, well. Basicaly, i liked the idea and, as always, you wrote it up very well. Good job, as always... One thing though, the second to last stanza, first lines, i think you spend too much time saying something already understood, like you said it in too many words i feel. And another thing i personally, specially liked the way it ended.

Um, crit back please? latest is called another restless summer night, sig.