#1
LOVE

I am the antigen that makes you feel better
The toxin that makes you feel worse
Such a wonder blessing
Must be a profound curse
And what a heavenly sight
That eclipses all and leaves you blind
My lips you long to kiss
And everyday I'm sorely missed
I dwell in your heart and linger in your head
The creature you dream about when you lie in bed
I fill the void that I made
I set you free, I trap you in a cage
I have been immortalized in poetry and in song
I can make time go by so fast or last so long
I am all you want
I am all you need
I will be the death of you
I will be your eternity
A black hole that feeds on empty time
In the night sky the starshine
Forever I will have you under my spell
The road to heaven is lined with the embers of Hell
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 20, 2006,
#2
First I would suggest trying to even out the lines, while the flow isn't terrible it could be a lot better.

It's a nice idea, good theme, and generally I think you executed it well. Though I would change "sourly" to "sorely".

But, yeh, good stuff, I'm impressed. Heck, I couldn't give you a really decent crit. Ah well, you win some you lose some...

If you wouldn't mind, my latest is in my sig. Many thanks.