#1
The Alien Piece pt 1


two brows arch the cave entrance
brown mole above a sloped crown
sand across plains eye level
this alien appears
mighty 'round the mans presence
chaotic lit mans desire
even priests and abstinance admire

god cannot create or destroy matter
nor conjure an Alien through such beauty
if he tried, man would be bitter
like he'd care for that matter

(refrain)
A-li-en
you are so beautiful
you are in my bed
you make everything better
forbid god, to my head
A-li-en
you're soaked in denial
you're bread to my butter
you're lovly admiration
is a fee of free admission

A-li-en AL-I-E-N ALVAGI-oh -e-n

oh geeze its changing moods
rapid saliva seepage out the mouth
clenching, tightening, holding
onto whats called pleasure
the alien screams silent moans of agony
penetration always leaves a scar

god cannot create or destroy matter
nor conjure an Alien through such beauty
if he tried, man would be bitter
like he'd care for that matter
I guess you gotta write about politics to not be emo
Last edited by Zug Thug Seany at Aug 19, 2006,
#2
Interesting concept.

First off, I would suggest to you you forget trying to rhyme. alot of the rhymes here sound forced, and that detrcts from the overall feel of the piece. I also think the piece could do with some puntuation, as it would make it easier to read, and generally improve the flow. Your ideas, although interesting, could be tightened up a bit and put together in a more cohesive structure.

So, good start, and I think if you smoothed it over with the rhymes and flow, you'd have a semi-decent piece on your hands.

If you could return, my latest is in my sig. Many thanks.
#3
thanks man, i could use the help, idk....its about a vagina if that helps
I guess you gotta write about politics to not be emo
#5
hmmm....a vagina, im pretty sure i havent heard a song about one of those before lol...
Anyway, good idea, but like Jammy said, some of these rhymes seem really really forced. And like Jammy again, maybe smooth out some of the stuff, make it an easier read.
I do like the metaphors and imagery you used, lol, "two brows"...

Care to check out mine?Its the first link in my sig.
thx