#1
No-one knows what to expect of me anymore.

This may seem alittle disturbing to some, Its taken from a piece of text in my larger scale project, adapted. Im not writing for this smaller scale so take this as you will. check out the neologism too.

Still, still, still, still.

upon the face of worn inspired wrinkles,
fingers touch upon the eyes of time fraught pupils,
teach her this lesson she?ll never forget.

And he said to me in dreadful voice that I indeed had escaped his clutches,
but he would capture me still.

And that I did lay, skin lined silk, birth-rights to hand prints and a touch to die for, curve for a carving, pose for a portrait, idolise, incarserise. So what do I look at? Did I feel his scent, it was so close I smelt it, I sensed it, not just somewhere but everywhere.
You want this white lined skin, a lie upon an inside thigh, dare this hand to be so daring, and he did.

He said he?d die for this, he would, and should, anything to break the tone of drips upon her toneless cheek, brush strokes, faint touches on the faintest of pulses. And he reached for me still.

A grasp in the darkness of a daylight spire, peaked too high, brought down to earth, so all can see its bourgeois worth, am I worth so much as a gasp in the darkness, am I worth so much as a gasp in the darkness, am I worth so much as third time lucky. He said in seven paces, You?re worth more than a gasp in the dark, of that I am certain. Is that all I?m worth, seven paces and its over?

And that?s all I have on my side, a hand so shy he said he?d never dare, daring his hand that he?d go this far, past lightly lined hips, along softly laden thighs, but its not just somewhere its everywhere.

And he said to me in dreadful voice that I indeed had confined his clutches
but he would capture me still.

And that I did lay. Sullenly so, still upon the voice that guides me in the dark, still upon the voice that guides me in the dark, still, upon the voice that leads me in that dark, and so I?m here, I?m here upon my knees, I?m here upon your will, and still I sullenly lay.

Still, still,
still, still,

beyond all reasonable doubt.

I am still.


peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Aug 19, 2006,
#2
i found it difficult to read because of the large walls of text, make it look a little nicer broseph. Sometimes you double use words in the same paragraph like, darkness, hands.

It's okay, it was too hard to get through. I didn't feel much but I know you want it sung like CTTS, so I know how it's supposed to be read.

Good job, leagues better than most rubbish on this site.
www.facebook.com/longlostcomic
#3
Great stuff. I really enjoyed it, especially the thrid block of text. The double words in the same paragraph would also be my only criticism. Good job.

I'd love to know what you were going for, song, prose or something else?
#4
it was a little hard to get through, i liked the lyrics, even though i don't believe it's my genre/style. i sometimes found it was a bit too metaphorical, and abstract, but then i suppose it depends on the person reading/hearing them.

very poetic

peace
#5
Thanks you three; Matt/jammy the repeats are intentional, especially the phrase repeats, the basic situation is this part of a chapter in my novel. And this part is essentially a rape scene in which the woman is raping the male, shes the protagonist and sado masochist, believing all the victims ask to have this done to them, she then goes on finding her kicks in more elaborate ways, this being the first.

Parts relate to her being the sinner; "dare this hand to be so daring, and he did."

thank you too zwound, i'll get to yours asap.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
Wow I can't really crit that, because I liked it alot. It was very disturbing for me, as you anticipated haha. Just good solid writing I think, nothing stuck out as a problem. Very nice peice.
Please help me by reviewing my lyrics
#7
I wish I knew what you're talking about sometimes, because this is pretty to look at. I agree with Matt. It's tough to read, but I can tell it's well-written nevertheless.

Gah, I'm useless. I just haven't seen you in so long, I had to post something .
-Landon
#9
Last time I checked I didn't have a pussy, thanks to everyone else

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#10
Yo.
Like a perp to a crime scene, i always crawl back...invariably to your works, but whatever.
I like it. as with the rest of ur pieces, it seems like part of a self contained world, yet i wanna know more. like part of a conversation you overhear and want to know the outcome of.

to me it doesnt seem like a rape scene. the female seems quite submissive ("...sullenly lay")
however, i dont quite understand who is relaying the info to the reader. it seems to flit between 1st and 3rd person.
this said tho, the language (as usual) is fantastic. love the use of the rule of threes ("...third time lucky") and the tone seems dark all the way through.
as per, id love to read more but personally, much of its appeal is its mystique, so reflecting, i dont know what to think.
but like i said, beautifully written, as usual. your use of language is always spot on. never pretentious and always apt.

nice one

peace out


"incarserise"...is that the neologism??
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#11
Well the 3rd and 1st person perspectives, are her recollections, the jist is she is seeking a man that would take over, take control, but they never do, even if she lays sullenly still, hence why she only seems submissive at the end, so hopes he'll be so engrossed in the act he'll continue, but he doesn't hence the ending "still,still,still,still" being seperated from everything, shes alone, hes left. And the final "I am still" is signifying she still is who she is, nothing has changed. We are who we are. But the question is finding deep inside in the middle of everything "who" we are. And accepting it. HAHA man thats freaky.

Thanks man, as always point me to the direction of something you've written, i owe you alot. And yeah you're bang on with the neologism.

peACE

Edit: just seen your sig, im on it.
Editing the edit: I got to that one, (eventually) nothing new?
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at Aug 22, 2006,
#12
aaaaah. its all so clear now.

alas, i've nothing new at the moment, at least nothing im particularly happy with. it'll pass so just keep em peeled, and i'll look forward to your juciy nuggets of criticism.

peace
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------