#1
This is my attept at writing a semi-upbeat song. So ya here it is


When your life begins
To crumble and crack
There's no steeping forward
No turning back
As at the hospital
In only due time
Everyone will see
A long, flat line

All are happy
Till the end of the maze
Live out life
Like it was your last days

Never pass the impossible
Even though it may seem
Nothing can be done
Follow the dream
So one should say
What you can or can't do
Follow the path
It's all up to you

Our life like an ocean
Is vast and deep
Swim don't sail
To live life complete
Don't let the storms
Get in your way
Swim to the end
Till you reach the final bay
#2
Quote by Stairwaytofloyd
This is my attept at writing a semi-upbeat song. So ya here it is


When your life begins
To crumble and crack
There's no steeping forward
No turning back
As at the hospital
In only due time
Everyone will see
A long, flat line
The line about not being able to go forward or backwards seems a bit odd. Try maybe, "you have to move forward, There's no turning back" It just seems like it doesnt fit with the theme of the song. Flat line part is pretty good.

All are happy
Till the end of the maze
Live out life
Like it was your last days
I sensed some akwardness in the last two lines. I would try and revist that part.

Never pass the impossible
Even though it may seem
Nothing can be done
Follow the dream
So one should say
What you can or can't do
Follow the path
It's all up to you
This is the strongest writing in the piece I believe, not much to do here that I can see.

Our life like an ocean
Is vast and deep
Swim don't sail
To live life complete
Don't let the storms
Get in your way
Swim to the end
Till you reach the final bay
"Swin don't sail" is a line that I missed the meaning of I suppose, but that could be me. You could maybe use a stronger ending, I just don't really like the final bay idea.


Sorry if I seemed harsh at all. I think this is a good start. Really try to hammer out any bumps that seem to stick out. It was a little sing-songy ( i say that ALOT though, so don't worry about it too much) but if you like that, it's a good thing. Solid start.
#3
Well, this was an uplifting song. It certainly raised my spirits. There aren't that many "happy" songs and it's nice to see one. I thought it was very well written and that the flow was great. Keep up the good work.

Crit mine please

Love