#1
Whatever. Crit for crit.

He sits at his desk and listens to the teacher go on and on about how Napolean is a great example of how communism fails. How it doesn't work. How the author simply took what he saw happening and wrote it down, changed the characters names and face.(even shapes?)

"Well either this teacher is a complete tool, or she has jumped on the bandwagon of lets all think different, and by different I mean the same." He thinks.

"A complete waste of time."

The boy shifts his attention away from the teacher and his classmates into his own thoughts. "I've read other books by this same man. He's a realist. It's obvious that he's showing how power corrupts. They just happened to be communist. But, in reality no matter the form of government if their is a high level of corruption it will fail. Democracy, Socialism, Communism, Theocracy. No matter what, if there is an easily or overly corrupt person, it will fail."

"I suggest other readings by the same author books such as..." the teacher still rambles. She's so condescending.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
Last edited by furtherfan21 at Aug 20, 2006,
#2
Quote by furtherfan21
Whatever. Crit for crit.

He sits at his desk and listens to the teacher go on and on about how Napolean is a great example of how communism fails. How it doens't work. How the author simple took what he saw happening and wrote it down, changed the characters names and face.(even shapes?)
Is this something to do with "Animal Farm"? I just thought of that book. I suppose this isn't a song, in the manner you wrote it.


"Well either this teacher is a complete tool, or she has jumped on the bandwagon of lets all think different, and by different I mean the same." He thinks.
The writing so far has been very straight forward. It's a little dry since it's more like a poem.

"A complete waste of time."

The boy shifts his attention away from the teacher and his classmates into his own thoughts. "I've read other books by this same man. He's a realist. It's obvious that he's showing how power corrupts. They just happened to be communist. But, in reality no matter the form of government if their is a high level of corruption it will fail. Democracy, Socialism, Communism, Theocracy. No matter what, if there is an easily or overly corrupt person, it will fail."
Here is where you deliver your message and it is very clear to what it is. It's good how you didnt muddy the waters with beating around the bush here.

"I suggest other readings by the same author books such as..." the teacher still rambles. She's so condescending.
The ending doesn't feel like an ending really, Since the teacher trails off, there feels like there could be more.


I hope you don't think I was too hard on you. I am not used to reading this type of writing but I have enjoyed ones similar to this on UG already, so I am getting an ear for it so to speak. I just found that being so straight forward, it was kind of boring. I hope I was able to help, I don't know if I did. If I did feel free to crit the lyrics in my sig, if not I won't mind.
Please help me by reviewing my lyrics
#3
Quote by furtherfan21
Whatever. Crit for crit.

He sits at his desk and listens to the teacher go on and on about how Napolean is a great example of how communism fails.

I'd like to see som epunctuation breaking this first sentence up a bit.

How it doens't work. How the author simple took what he saw happening and wrote it down, changed the characters names and face.(even shapes?)

You have some spelling mistakes here- doesn't, simply. I'm not sure I particularly like this part, I'm not too clear on this after the reference to communism earlier on.

"Well either this teacher is a complete tool, or she has jumped on the bandwagon of lets all think different, and by different I mean the same." He thinks.

I think the execution of this idea isn't great. I think the "let's all think different- is the same" thing could have been done better, if that is indeed what you were going for here.

"A complete waste of time."

The boy shifts his attention away from the teacher and his classmates into his own thoughts. "I've read other books by this same man. He's a realist. It's obvious that he's showing how power corrupts. They just happened to be communist. But, in reality no matter the form of government if their is a high level of corruption it will fail. Democracy, Socialism, Communism, Theocracy. No matter what, if there is an easily or overly corrupt person, it will fail."

Once more, I thin kthere is nice ideas, but I thin kit can be said in a better, more cohesive way. This sounds like so far you are just writing the ideas down. I think the next step would be to put them into a better structure.

"I suggest other readings by the same author books such as..." the teacher still rambles. She's so condescending.


Nice ideas, but I think you could have put them across in a better way. Also, some grammar and spelling is lacking in areas. Other than that, it's pretty solid writing.

If you could get back, my latest is in my sig. Many thanks.