#1
Hey everyone.

These are some blues lyrics I wrote last night about a soul-sucking ex-girlfriend who really kept me down for awhile. I was just wondering what other people would think of it, and also, which order should the sections go in? I looked back it and realized that I could propably improve the song by shuffling the sections, so just tell me how you would do it. I'll go crit. for crit. if you leave a link of have your lyrics in your signature.
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Ball n' Chain Blues

I used to wander home
All hours of the night
But with a love so heavy
I can't breathe without a fight
And though it hurts to say it
There's nothing I can do
I'm singing to the tune
Of the Ball n' Chain Blues

You might have said you loved her
Thats one thing I wouldn't do
Is tell a heavy loving woman
Something that ain't true
Cause if you loved this girl
There's nothing you can do
You've set yourself up
For some Ball n' Chain Blues

Her loves so heavy, heavy, heavy
I could hang my head and cry
Her loves so heavy, heavy, heavy
And so hard to pass on by
Now when you love this woman
There's nothing you can do
You'll learn a little something
Called the Ball n' Chain Blues
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Thanks for reading. (I know it seems a little out of order, I actually just wrote it out in reverse order of how I did it last night...still doesn't feel quiet right.)
#2
as for order i don't think it matter you coudl put any stanza in any place it'd still be fine. I wasn't a big fan of these lyrics. but i see the style you were going for and i think you achieved it. I think the rhymes were cheap and a little weak. but it's not like the lyrics are always amazing in blues pieces anyways. the double use of teh heavy heavy heavy i wasn't realyl keen on you could probably change the second one to something else.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#3
Quote by furtherfan21
as for order i don't think it matter you coudl put any stanza in any place it'd still be fine. I wasn't a big fan of these lyrics. but i see the style you were going for and i think you achieved it. I think the rhymes were cheap and a little weak. but it's not like the lyrics are always amazing in blues pieces anyways. the double use of teh heavy heavy heavy i wasn't realyl keen on you could probably change the second one to something else.


I wasn't found of the heavy heavy heavy either, or at least twice. That was actually the line that just got me going. I appreciate the feed back.
Please help me by reviewing my lyrics
#4
i think you should switch verse 2 and 3 but thats just me. wow, that was a phat rhyme, i must be a gangsta.
#5


I used to wander home
All hours of the night
But with a love so heavy
I can't breathe without a fight
And though it hurts to say it
There's nothing I can do
I'm singing to the tune
Of the Ball n' Chain Blues

I really like this "ball n' chain blues" idea. It's very quirky and has great style. The feel of this stanza is pretty straightforward and comfortable, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. I like it a lot.

You might have said you loved her
Thats one thing I wouldn't do
Is tell a heavy loving woman
Something that ain't true
Cause if you loved this girl
There's nothing you can do
You've set yourself up
For some Ball n' Chain Blues

I don't like this as much as the first stanza, but I can't explain why lol. It's good, but I don't like it as much lol.

Her loves so heavy, heavy, heavy
I could hang my head and cry
Her loves so heavy, heavy, heavy
And so hard to pass on by
Now when you love this woman
There's nothing you can do
You'll learn a little something
Called the Ball n' Chain Blues
IMO, I think it would sound a little better if you put like "Her love lies so heavy, heavy, heavy". I think that extra word in there would help a lot with the rhythm. Nice repitition of the word heavy though, sounds good. Good stanza to end on though. Sounds good, and nice repeating theme of the ball n chain blues.

Sorry I can't say more about this work, but good job
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#7
I used to wander home
All hours of the night
But with a love so heavy
I can't breathe without a fight
And though it hurts to say it
There's nothing I can do
I'm singing to the tune
Of the Ball n' Chain Blues

Nice clear, simple, straight to the point lyrics that set up the rest of the song well. "love so heavy" causing strained breathing is good. No complaints as of yet.

You might have said you loved her
Thats one thing I wouldn't do
Is tell a heavy loving woman
Something that ain't true
Cause if you loved this girl
There's nothing you can do
You've set yourself up
For some Ball n' Chain Blues

Once again no complaints. Direct lyrics make it easy to empathise and all the words gel well together. I can hear the song being sung in my head right now. Oh wait no, thats me singing badly.

Her loves so heavy, heavy, heavy
I could hang my head and cry
Her loves so heavy, heavy, heavy
And so hard to pass on by
Now when you love this woman
There's nothing you can do
You'll learn a little something
Called the Ball n' Chain Blues


Not too sure about the triple use of heavy, though if sung right would be okay(emphasised and sung with real vitriol perhaps?). Everything else is fine.

Overall instantly relateable, not cliched or cringeworthy as songs about love often can be, great rhythm to it and I'm sure it would make a great blues track. For me personally it's kind of forgettable, not that I wouldn't enjoy it if heard on the radio or whatever, but that's just me. Kinda lazy crit, I know, but I'm sleepy abd theres not a great deal to nag about. Will be sure to check out your other stuff and crit for crtit of course.
#8
Okay, I swear I had a full crit all out, and my comp froze on me.. however, you have two already, one from the mighty Jallas, so please, if it's alright, PM on your next piece and I'll full crit that.

Here, It was unoriginal and not spectacualr, but that basically meets the needs of the genre. The whole ball n chain/heavy theme thorughout was nice.

So, tidy it up a bit, add more variation to your vocabularly and you'll be good to go.