#1
Hello everybody,

i posted this song before and got alot of crits alot effecting my rhymn, now i revised it with the help of LesPaul_rentals thnx alot
i also heard alot that the Theme was good so thats why i kept the same title and theme

i hope you like this one better, lets see shall we , Peace to all!


Let me be me


In the morning I wake up and see your face
While i am packing my bag I wonder about this place.
I ride to school on my bike; also this day will pass
The first lesson I am lucky, sitting in front of class.
I look down on my table, as everyone takes their seats.
The teacher is not here yet so this is your chance.
But nothing happens so I take a quick glance.
You see me looking and I look away,
Waiting for what's destined, the bad things you'll say.
Suddenly you point your finger at me,
I know now again I can?t be me.
Words shoot out of your mouth, The laughs of all others feel like a fatal pound
I don?t know what to do, I just hope its over soon.

Just leave me alone,
I hope you have nothing to moan
I just want to get back to reality , I want to be free
Just let me obtain my own identity
Just....
Let me be me

Next lesson , I sit alone in the back.
Once again i am the topic of your chat.
Suddenly inside me something snaps.
I?m starting to walk over to you
Suddenly I go at you like a raging bull
Everybody is looking at me asking why did you do that?
Once again this approves that nobody understands.

Just leave me alone,
I hope you have nothing to moan
I just want to get back to reality , I want to be free
Just let me obtain my own identity
Just....
Let me be me

Home after a long time in detention.
I?m writing down the last sentences, this the last I need to mention.
People like him think they're better than you better than me,
Thats not true,
we just need to learn how to use our liberty,
So that everybody can be themselves and I can be me.


thats about it well hope you like this better put alot of work in it.

crit for crit ofcourse

Greetings

Pyro
We have just 1 world but we live in different ones!
Last edited by Pyro666 at Aug 20, 2006,
#2
Excellent, excellent job. I really like this. You made a lot of improvements. I'm glad I got the opportunity to help you; I can tell you have a lot of potential.

The end of the song talking about detention is a perfect ending to it. It wraps the whole thing up and the climax that you started building in the second verse is resolved very well. Fantastic job of telling a story in your song.
#3
Thanks again Lespaul_rental
Glad you like it. i will rate the rest of your songs.

Pyro
We have just 1 world but we live in different ones!
#4
Yes it's certainly better than the original one.

Waiting for what's destined, the bad things you'll say


So that everybody can be themselves and I can be me.


Those are my favorite lines. They sound nice. And are also true. Screw the annoying bullies at school.
#6
Well, I think it's your debut as a writer so I'll tell you to keep on trying.

It was not a terribly bad song, but I would say pretty naive. The rhyme are getting heavy in the long run. You have some good lines in there however. That last stanza stands out to me as something better than what you have before. I know it's a classic thing to say, but try not to rhyme that much. If you do, try to find more original words to polish them off.

As for the subject, I like it, you could expand on it in a less juvenile way though. Although I have no clue of your age. Simply by curiosity, how old are you?

Anyways, keep writing,

-Mat
#7
I am just as old as you 17 but remember i am from the netherlands and my vocabulary just isn't as good as yours


Pyro
We have just 1 world but we live in different ones!
#8
It's alright, english is also my second language, I'm a french speaker from Quebec.

So yeah, you have my support, I know how hard it is to come and try to write in your second language. I started about a year and a half ago so yeah... If ever you need anything, may it just be looking at your pieces, don't hesitate to PM me

Keep up the good work!

-Mat
#9
Will do that thnx mat


i will crit your songs to can you give me a link?


greetings Kellin A.K.A Pyro
We have just 1 world but we live in different ones!
#11
anymore Crits??
We have just 1 world but we live in different ones!