#1
I got my thread with this song in it closed, dont know why, musta overlooked a rule, i dont think i did, but i dont know. Anyways its been a week so i can post a new song without breaking rules, so ill repost.

EDIT: edited in the last two lines

It's almost earie
how everithing becomes the same.
A whole year passed, right?
You look back and nothing has changed.
The same frustration,
the same longing for future light.
I'ts so hard to take,
becouse it feels like the same night.

Ant at the same time,
you see how things have changed so fast.
Cause a year ago,
the future was what is now the past.
That fading winter,
that brings smiles as much as tears,
of what was once pure,
and still is, but won't be again.

Looking out my window,
at the shadows of the night.
They were once silhouettes
of you and me together.
Looking out my window,
I see the trees feel the breeze,
but i cant feel it myself.
I'd only dreamt forever.

December, come back.
I'll endure your bitter cold now.
If my warmth returns,
I understand you, your meltdown.
I just need you here,
It's so hard to keep me alive.
Without you, i fear,
the ice melts, i have to dive.

Blood, tears, love, hope, faith.
Pray for another miracle,
cause that's what it was.
Two heartbeats became just one soul.
And they're still that way.
The sixth year just as the fifth one,
will bring with winter,
you and me, hand in hand again.

Looking out my window,
at the shadows of the night.
They were once silhouettes
of you and me together.
Looking out my window,
I see the trees feel the breeze,
but i cant feel it myself.
I'd only dreamt forever.

And when i dream again,
this time i won't wake up.
Last edited by AmplifySilence at Aug 20, 2006,
#2
Ok third time trying to crit this.. it keeps crashing when trying to post.. grrrr

Quote by AmplifySilence
I got my thread with this song in it closed, dont know why, musta overlooked a rule, i dont think i did, but i dont know. Anyways its been a week so i can post a new song without breaking rules, so ill repost.

It's almost earie
how everithing becomes the same.
A whole year passed, right?
You look back and nothing has changed.
The same frustration,
the same longing for future light.
I'ts so hard to take,
becouse it feels like the same night.

This is cool, something im sure most of us can relate to.

Ant at the same time,
you see how things have changed so fast.
Cause a year ago,
the future was what is now the past.
That fading winter,
that brings smiles as much as tears,
of what was once pure,
and still is, but won't be again.

No problems, good ideas, nice flow

Looking out my window,
at the shadows of the night.
They were once silhouettes
of you and me together.
Looking out my window,
I see the trees feel the breeze,
but i cant feel it myself.
I'd only dreamt forever.

Hmm don't like the repetition of "Looking out my window" and im confused by the last line but ok otherwise.

December, come back.
I'll endure your bitter cold now.
If my warmth returns,
I understand you, your meltdown.
I just need you here,
It's so hard to keep me alive.
Without you, i fear,
the ice melts, i have to dive.

You have to dive? Im confused by this, maybe its just me though.

Blood, tears, love, hope, faith.
Pray for another miracle,
cause that's what it was.
Two heartbeats became just one soul.
And they're still that way.
The sixth year just as the fifth one,
will bring with winter,
you and me, hand in hand again.

Fine

Looking out my window,
at the shadows of the night.
They were once silhouettes
of you and me together.
Looking out my window,
I see the trees feel the breeze,
but i cant feel it myself.
I'd only dreamt forever.


All in all, a good piece. I think it works better just as a poem unless it was acoustic.
#3
It's almost earie
how everithing becomes the same.
A whole year passed, right?
You look back and nothing has changed.
The same frustration,
the same longing for future light.
I'ts so hard to take,
becouse it feels like the same night.
Besides the spelling errors :P, I thought this was a great start to this song. You set up the overall mood of the song well here, and personally I can relate to the theme within.

Ant at the same time,
you see how things have changed so fast.
Cause a year ago,
the future was what is now the past.
That fading winter,
that brings smiles as much as tears,
of what was once pure,
and still is, but won't be again.
Very strong stanza here. I especially caught the references to winter and purity and how it has been ruined in the context of this song. Good writing.

Looking out my window,
at the shadows of the night.
They were once silhouettes
of you and me together.
Looking out my window,
I see the trees feel the breeze,
but i cant feel it myself.
I'd only dreamt forever.
I'll let the repetition of "Looking out my window" here slide because I think it actually works well enough with the rest of the stanza. Good use of imagry to set up the scene.

December, come back.
I'll endure your bitter cold now.
If my warmth returns,
I understand you, your meltdown.
I just need you here,
It's so hard to keep me alive.
Without you, i fear,
the ice melts, i have to dive.
This was a strong stanza until the very last line. I feel like you know what you were trying to get across to the reader but you forced it just a little too much.

Blood, tears, love, hope, faith.
Pray for another miracle,
cause that's what it was.
Two heartbeats became just one soul.
And they're still that way.
The sixth year just as the fifth one,
will bring with winter,
you and me, hand in hand again.
Great stanza, nothing to really comment on here...

Looking out my window,
at the shadows of the night.
They were once silhouettes
of you and me together.
Looking out my window,
I see the trees feel the breeze,
but i cant feel it myself.
I'd only dreamt forever.


I'll agree with Allyhibs, this song reads best as a poem. I also agree that I'd love to hear this set to some acoustic guitarage. Good work. Peace.
#4
thanx, to Allyhibs: you two things you said confused you 1) "I'd only dreamt forever."-like, forever was only a dream, meaning it wouldnt really be forever. 2) "the ice melts, i have to dive."-as in becouse the ice melts into water, i have to dive i the water. and to both of ya, im probably am going for an acoustic type thing. thanx again
#5
I think that the first two stanzas/verses act well and set up a good view of what is happening. The third stanza builds upon this well and then the fourth is my overall favourite- until the last line. I don't like that line. It's feels very, very forced. The fifth stanza works well, but I think that 'Two heartbeats became just one soul.' should have 'soul' removed (it just feels better to me).

That's about it. Nice piece: very common idea, but it was done well. Crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=418403