#1
One girl one night showed no more will to fight
And so one man one day had decided to go astray
And those catastrophes draw themselves in such an illusionnary way
Just like shooting stars that seem way more destructive than they really are
They're just small things burning down
Because they entered the atmosphere
at high speed

And so we will burn down like a spark in a blackened ceiling
Enlightening the night sky right before disappearing
There were a few before us and many more are to perish
It's the perseids baby ; we're just one of many

So enjoy the moment, savour every particle of it
The destruction is on and the world is candlelit
When all seems to be lost and everything breaks free
My only hope is that maybe
A stranger will wish upon me
#2
Hmmm, im gonna do you a full crit later tonight when im not tired as crap, but i will say this, i like the internal rhyme throughout this piece.


Id appreciate you checking out mine too, the first link in my sig.
#3
One girl one night showed no more will to fight
And so one man one day had decided to go astray
And those catastrophes draw themselves in such an illusionnary way
Just like shooting stars that seem way more destructive than they really are
They're just small things burning down
Because they entered the atmosphere
at high speed
Good use of internal rhyme here. I see very strong writing here; descriptive and quite vivid. Great lines here, I really like this first paragraph.

And so we will burn down like a spark in a blackened ceiling
Enlightening the night sky right before disappearing
There were a few before us and many more are to perish
It's the perseids baby ; we're just one of many
Timely use of "perseids" here, quite clever.

So enjoy the moment, savour every particle of it
The destruction is on and the world is candlelit
When all seems to be lost and everything breaks free
My only hope is that maybe
A stranger will wish upon me
Hmm, I really didn't see the piece going this way, but I am fairly pleased you ended it as you did. I enjoy the theme you held throughout the piece and the way in which you went about getting it across to the reader. Clever, clever. I'll also look for more from you.

Great piece, post more (according to the rules of course :P). Peace.
#4
Thanks alpha, it's appreciated. I won't be able to get to yours tonight as I just got home and I'm pretty tired. Don't worry, I'll get to it, I always return crits.

AAA, I'm looking forwards to it, I already got to yours btw. Thanks
#5
very cool song, thanks for your crit on my song


pyro
We have just 1 world but we live in different ones!
#6
Quote by circular.parade
One girl one night showed no more will to fight
And so one man one day had decided to go astray
And those catastrophes draw themselves in such an illusionnary way
Just like shooting stars that seem way more destructive than they really are
They're just small things burning down
Because they entered the atmosphere
at high speed

The internal rhyming in here is very good, and the vocabulary you use is vivid, descriptive, and fascinating. The flow is very good, too.

And so we will burn down like a spark in a blackened ceiling
Enlightening the night sky right before disappearing
There were a few before us and many more are to perish
It's the perseids baby ; we're just one of many

Again, a very good stanza. It ties in well with the title, strangely enough. After seeing the title and reading it up to this point I must say, you do a good job of keeping the overall feeling going. The rhyming and flow are stellar in this, once again.

So enjoy the moment, savour every particle of it
The destruction is on and the world is candlelit
When all seems to be lost and everything breaks free
My only hope is that maybe
A stranger will wish upon me

Great, great stanza. I really like the whole thing, but this wraps it up very well. The ending line, A stranger will wish upon me, is the perfect ending. It ties it all together very nicely. Great piece, reminds me very much of Bob Dylan's style. 5/5.



If you don't mind, please crit one of my pieces from my sig (take your pick). Thank you, and once again, nice job!
#7
One girl one night showed no more will to fight
And so one man one day had decided to go astray
And those catastrophes draw themselves in such an illusionnary way
Just like shooting stars that seem way more destructive than they really are
They're just small things burning down
Because they entered the atmosphere
at high speed

Lovely, lovely internal rhyming here, especially the first 2 lines. it sounds very much like a poetic telling of a story, which is no doubt what you intended to create so kudos. Excellent opening IMO, I have nothnig to fault with this and I love it so

And so we will burn down like a spark in a blackened ceiling
Enlightening the night sky right before disappearing
There were a few before us and many more are to perish
It's the perseids baby ; we're just one of many

I like how you use "ceiling" instead of, for example, "sky" as would probably be the first choice for many. Suggests perhaps an enclosed feeling or area with limits and borders. Interesting metaphor there, I like it a lot.
The last line is fantastic as well. Well all of it is fantastic, but I especially like the last line. Sounds so wonderfully colloquially with the inclusion of "baby" but still redeeeming such wonderful meaning. Ace.

So enjoy the moment, savour every particle of it
The destruction is on and the world is candlelit
When all seems to be lost and everything breaks free
My only hope is that maybe
A stranger will wish upon me

This is a much more pronounced and verbal stanza I feel, not a bad thing in any way. You seem almost to be making a prolific speech or something lol which is quite a cool turnaround. Nothing really to crit about this, good stuff
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#8
Thanks, I did not expect such a good response, it's really appreciated and motivating. For those whom I didn't repay the crits yet, it'll be done by tonight, probably right now, Alpha, I haven't forgot about you.

Thanks again to everybody that replied here.

-Mathieu
#10
Quote by circular.parade
One girl one night showed no more will to fight
And so one man one day had decided to go astray
And those catastrophes draw themselves in such an illusionnary way
Just like shooting stars that seem way more destructive than they really are
They're just small things burning down
Because they entered the atmosphere
at high speed


This is a good introduction, Though i dont see the connection between the small thinings burning down in the atmosphere to the rapist? at least so far i htink its a rapist... i shall read on.

And so we will burn down like a spark in a blackened ceiling
Enlightening the night sky right before disappearing
There were a few before us and many more are to perish
It's the perseids baby ; we're just one of many

I dont like how you used both line 3 and line 4 to say the same thing, I thing maybe you should use line 3 to elaborate more on 1 and 2

So enjoy the moment, savour every particle of it
The destruction is on and the world is candlelit
When all seems to be lost and everything breaks free
My only hope is that maybe
A stranger will wish upon me


This ending is great though i dont really like using particle, besides that its ace.
Nice piece

-Mike
#11
can't you write a simpler song with simpler words? where did all those simple songs go??
#12
but i've read many other songs in this forum with more complex words but having lesser meaning
#13
You will have to accept, my friend, that there are different kinds of litterature.

I got no problem with you not liking this song. Just... don't tell me to change my style because you don't like it...please?


And oh yeah, thanks for the bump
#14
I really liked this piece. It really shows a lot of emotion and complex writing. Something only one who is skilled can do. Good Job.
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#15
I really enjoyed reading these lyrics...They seriously make me wish I could do better stuff hehe. But I noticed the Bob Dylanish in the writing, the word choice is amazing.. I really like the last line, perfect ending, a little haunting I guess.
And those catastrophes draw themselves in such an illusionnary way
Just like shooting stars that seem way more destructive than they really are

I really like these lines. They have crazy wording and imagery.
I like the entire second stanza there's nothing to even say there, it's amazing.
And same with the third stanza. Good job Good job I enjoyed that.
ferret.