#1
Prose with a little verse thrown in for good measure. Hope you enjoy, C4C like always...


?If This Is The End, Then Where Are The Credits??

Move on or break down. I?d promise the answer isn?t mingled with the rum,
But that is a far better lesson to learn alone. Become acquainted, or form familiarities;
At least it helps keep away the bite and the cold. Ah, if only apathy and selfishness
Could be so clever, then she?d be wise. But it would take a fool to hide away
The light in a dim room. Maybe he spoke to her a vodka soliloquy, or perhaps together
They witnessed a tequila sunrise. I suppose it is of no importance now which spirit
Turned within their tangled veins; for the spirit which they consumed united was
The very spirit which they killed divided. Oh, I may never understand
The many limbs I?ve hung myself upon, and I may never know their roots.
And this, my friend, is my fatal flaw; while I tie myself a noose?
I?d breathe softly and spare the wind,
Before I?d watch her bend and break,
And when her weakness becomes my own,
I?d open my very soul for her to take.
But I?ve finally chiseled my fists to stone, and placed a death grip upon my heart.
If the falling sun has no more warmth to give, and I must keep the fragile remains,
Then I can trust no fingers but my own to hold that most vulnerable part of self.
And if she dare to pry against my mortar, I?d hope she?d second guess my strength.
The best kept secrets talk amongst themselves, for they are not the slaves of their keeper,
But rather accidental insights into the truest of colors formed and reflected
By the same windows opened to air the depths of a shameful soul.
Oh, I?ve been a fool to think I could count the constellations among the clouds,
As they rapidly change and leave my efforts in vain. I am left with a question;
A verse that haunts me as the shallow breaths I took in her eyes?
Let me move on or let me break down,
I?d rather just find my own way.
I?d rather just find my own way?
#2
I will probably try to come and critique this in depth later on. However, so far, I will say that I really really liked it.

You have some excellent lines in there, the best kept secrets one, the stenght second-guess one, in fact, it's very cleverly written. You can take nearly everything to the next level.

So yeah, I'll try to come off with an picky critique later on tonight. Until then, I'll just say ; great job. I'll be looking for more from you.
#4
Okay, so I'm really sorry for the time I took before finally getting to this. It's saddening to see that nobody else replied to this. Consider this as a bump, also . I will re-read it and do a full crit, but I warn you already, I might not find much wrong...

?If This Is The End, Then Where Are The Credits??

Move on or break down. I?d promise the answer isn?t mingled with the rum,
But that is a far better lesson to learn alone. Become acquainted, or form familiarities;
At least it helps keep away the bite and the cold.
very so good so far, but are you missing a "to" in between "helps" and "keep"? Else than that, so far, you diction is great.
Ah, if only apathy and selfishness
Could be so clever, then she?d be wise. But it would take a fool to hide away
The light in a dim room. Maybe he spoke to her a vodka soliloquy, or perhaps together
They witnessed a tequila sunrise.
Wow, I really like the imagery and metaphors you use here. The alchool references are ace and really well threw in. Great job so far.
I suppose it is of no importance now which spirit
Turned within their tangled veins; for the spirit which they consumed united was
The very spirit which they killed divided. Cle-to-the-verOh, I may never understand
The many limbs I?ve hung myself upon, and I may never know their roots.
And this, my friend, is my fatal flaw; while I tie myself a noose?
I?d breathe softly and spare the wind,
Before I?d watch her bend and break,
And when her weakness becomes my own,
I?d open my very soul for her to take.
Very interesting verse here my friend, well thrown-in too, I'm not too found of the break/take mix usually, but it fits well here and doesen't seem forced at all.
But I?ve finally chiseled my fists to stone, and placed a death grip upon my heart.
If the falling sun has no more warmth to give, and I must keep the fragile remains,
Then I can trust no fingers but my own to hold that most vulnerable part of self.
And if she dare to pry against my mortar, I?d hope she?d second guess my strength.
The best kept secrets talk amongst themselves, for they are not the slaves of their keeper,
I did not dare to insert any comment up here, because it would sadden be to break such an awesome bit of prose. Man, that's some skill up here.
But rather accidental insights into the truest of colors formed and reflected
By the same windows opened to air the depths of a shameful soul.
Oh, I?ve been a fool to think I could count the constellations among the clouds,
As they rapidly change and leave my efforts in vain. I am left with a question;
A verse that haunts me as the shallow breaths I took in her eyes?
Let me move on or let me break down,
I?d rather just find my own way.
I?d rather just find my own way?

Okay this crit sucked, basically, I just really liked it. THe end is perfect, finishes off in a kind of sober way, polishes off well both on the form and on the meaning. You defenitely have some very good writing skills, I'll be looking forward to some other of your work.

Until then, I hope some other people will dare to get through this piece because it's definitely worth it.

Great job my friend, keep writing!

-Mathieu.
#5
ok

the alcohol metaphors are extremely good and used well. that actually describes most of the metaphors used. as i read i notice your english is excellent. you set the tone nicely. this isn't one of those lyric pieces that use love as a bludgeon but istead as a feather, and i admire you for it. the ending is good, but is the repitition really necessary? the single line adds enough emphasis as it is.

overall a great piece that i can't really critique because i'm not smart enough.

since yours is one of the only songs on the front page that has a word over six letters long i'm going to request you crit mine @ https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=418634
So turn off the lights cause it's night on the Sun....

if anything i say comes acrosss as pretentious, tell me what an asshole i am.
#6
Effin A buddy .. Effin A.. sorry im not much of a looong critique , but i thought this was great ... always an awesome day when i find someone who writes good lyrics with emotion that show some skill and arent just half thought through metaphors and cheesy lines... Keep it coming .. You have a band ? .. id love to hear some of these lyrics with some tunes in the back.
#7
First, thank you Mathieu for your critique, I really appreciate you taking the time to read though this so carefully. To Loopdeloop: I wasn't sure about the repitition either, I just thought it was needed to balance it out. Thanks to AllenRothenberg as well for reading this and leaving a comment. Peace everyone, thanks again.