#1
This is incredibly not my style but the idea just popped into my head. Yes it's a real life person no it's not autobiographical

leave me a link.


She's A Girl

a girl;
she wears doc martens to work
and hums sweet sixties songs all year round.
she builds with her hair
hanging down by her ears;
ribbon-flowingly natural

a girl;
she takes no lessons from the pros
and thinks for herself.
she wears black and maybe
some white... and the red of a necklace;
the blue of her eyes.

she's a girl;
soft as soft can be and strong
as a leapord-skinned tiger.
bathing in honey
but tanning in iron.
she's a girl.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#2
this is off the point but wherabouts in west yorks you live?
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#3
Quote by jallas
a girl;
she wears doc martens to work
and hums sweet sixties songs all year round. Good opening, some good alliteration, but all together it was a wee bit weak.
she builds with her hair
hanging down by her ears;
ribbon-flowingly natural I didn't like ribbon-flowingly, it just sounds a bit iffy. Although to be honest, right now, I can't seem to find something that can replace it.

a girl;
she takes no lessons from the pros
and thinks for herself. This was ok, nothing spectacular but the whole piece is simple.
she wears black and maybe
some white... and the red of a necklace;
the blue of her eyes. Nearly every one of your pieces (and mine, I have to admit) involves colours somewhere, and I always like it. This is no exception. The contrast with her eyes and the necklace is good, I like.

she's a girl;
soft as soft can be and strong
as a leopard-skinned tiger. Good simile.
bathing in honey
but tanning in iron. Didn't get that
she's a girl.


This was quite simple, which took me by surprise somewhat. Some of the imagery was good but it never had a chance (or you didn't give it a chance) to grab my attention. Could you have a look at my prose piece in the sig?
#4
It reminds me of that one cake song, i think its short skirt and a long jacket or somethin like that
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#5
Quote by jallas
This is incredibly not my style but the idea just popped into my head. Yes it's a real life person no it's not autobiographical

leave me a link.


She's A Girl

a girl;
she wears doc martens to work
and hums sweet sixties songs all year round.
she builds with her hair
hanging down by her ears;
ribbon-flowingly natural
This is the strongest bit, you'll need to make the other stanza's a little better so they can compete.

a girl;
she takes no lessons from the pros
and thinks for herself.
she wears black and maybe
some white... and the red of a necklace;
the blue of her eyes.
I dont think the part with the colours works too well, it's just akward.

she's a girl;
soft as soft can be and strong
as a leapord-skinned tiger.
bathing in honey
but tanning in iron.
she's a girl.
Try a different simile than a leapord-skinned tiger and this stanza will shine a bit more.


Pretty simple, but I find simple can be so much better sometimes. I just wrote out a whole crit, than my cpu screwed up >_< crit 4 crit?
Please help me by reviewing my lyrics
#6
She's A Girl oh, i thought she was a guy, (thats me saying "wierd title" but i havent read it yet, here i go)

a girl;
she wears doc martens to work
and hums sweet sixties songs all year round.
she builds with her hair
hanging down by her ears;
ribbon-flowingly natural she sounds wierd... cool stanza though

a girl;
she takes no lessons from the pros
and thinks for herself.
she wears black and maybe
some white... and the red of a necklace;
the blue of her eyes. is it the same one? hey, disliked the lesson from pros line, sorry, i thought saying that sounded too like, i dont know, non poetic maybe. as for the rest, the colors and dtuff, i liked it, specially the blue eyes, are they fake (contacts)?

she's a girl;
soft as soft can be and strong like that
as a leapord-skinned tiger.
bathing in honey
but tanning in iron. and thats really cool sounding
she's a girl. ...ok

youre right, not youre style, didnt like it too much as yours becouse im used to your stuff, but as non-yours, i liked it...

my latest is Another Restless Summer Night in sig
#7
Quote by jallas
This is incredibly not my style but the idea just popped into my head. Yes it's a real life person no it's not autobiographical

leave me a link.


She's A Girl

a girl;
she wears doc martens to work
and hums sweet sixties songs all year round.
she builds with her hair
hanging down by her ears;
ribbon-flowingly natural

very simplistic. nice alliteration in line 3, but i don't understand line 4, what does "builds with her hair" mean? maybe it's just me....
The last line is worded strangely, but it works.


a girl;
she takes no lessons from the pros
and thinks for herself.
she wears black and maybe
some white... and the red of a necklace;
the blue of her eyes.

the part "and maybe some white" is very weak, but it does sound better than just saying "she wears black and white". the "and the red of a necklace;
the blue of her eyes." this doesn't sound right... the repition of "and" is annoying. I would just say" the red of a necklace; the blue of her eyes" I suppose you could put "and" in place of the semi colon. It would sound better there than wear you have it placed now IMO.


she's a girl;
soft as soft can be and strong
as a leapord-skinned tiger.
bathing in honey
but tanning in iron.
she's a girl.

"bathing in honey
but tanning in iron."

i'm with daemonika... I didn't get that at all....



It's really simplistic, I don't like it as much as the last piece I read from you (can't remember the name) I enjoyed it, good job.

Link for mine is in my sig
#8
She's A Girl

a girl;
she wears doc martens to work
and hums sweet sixties songs all year round.
she builds with her hair
hanging down by her ears;
ribbon-flowingly natural
I'm having a bit of an issue with the flow here to be honest. The second line can work depending on how you say it, but I'm having a real hard time making the last one sound good.

a girl;
she takes no lessons from the pros
and thinks for herself.
she wears black and maybe
some white... and the red of a necklace;
the blue of her eyes.
Now that sounds pretty cool. I like the first lines a lot, the whole color thing, I think, could be worked on just a bit better. It's kinda cool though.

she's a girl;
soft as soft can be and strong
as a leapord-skinned tiger.
bathing in honey
but tanning in iron.
she's a girl.
hmmmm I'm mixed up here. I couldn't say I find it awesome or anything. I guess it''s a good simple piece. THe last stanza alone is, by the way, very good. However, I think you could finish off the piece better. You could, by keeping it simple, obviously, try to add some kind of a meaning to the piece. Because right now it's very just descriptive. Maybe it was what you were looking for but if I give my opinion, it did not spark anything at all in me. And that's my very first criteria of appreciation.

So yeah, depending what you were looking for, take what you want, but it was well descriptive, but poor contact with the reader imo.

If you feel like giving some criticism, since you asked for links, well mine is in my sig.

#10
Great song alice. I can feel what you're portraying in that song. I'd work on the flow though. It would be hard to put a guitar part to that and have it flow.

Here's mine if you wanna read it.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=413833&highlight=Chris+Kattan
#11
I liked this one. different style but still good. i was a little weary at first but as i read on i liked it. some of the descriptions of this girl could have been a little more clever i think though. however i think the last few lines are referring to her skin tone... honey and iron. or perhaps she smells like honey but her skin tone is as if she bathed in a rusty tub or i'm totally off and an idiot. anyways good work
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#12
i liked the song a lot
the last verse did confuse me a little bit too -
im not sure if i like the similie to a leapord skin tiger (just my opinion)
#13
thanks a bunch, all of you
some people were saying they didn't get the "bathing in honey/but tanning in iron"... it's kind of an inside thing/meaning/joke/love letter between me and this girl it's about (oh when I say love letter I don't mean literally; I'm very straight ). Basicallllly, think opposites

I'll return all crits in about 10 mins or so.

edit: ArcherTheVMan, I live in Halifax, near like Huddersfield and Leeds
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#14
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#15
This didn't grab me. But that disapointed me because that bathing in honey tanning in iron line did and i somehow wish the rest did too

But the sad facts lie that i didn't like this much at all, although i can see the point to it.

There's not really much more to it... i just don't like it!

Sorry for such an awful crit
But if you still have time to look at mine for me, i'd greatly appreciate it.
#16
I think that it is elegantly simply beautiful. I love it.

Post a comment on my latest, 'The Wife Swap' using exactly the same amount of words as this p!ss poor crit.

Alex
"You can never quarantine the past."
#17
Quote by jallas

She's A Girl

a girl;
she wears doc martens to work
and hums sweet sixties songs all year round.
she builds with her hair
hanging down by her ears;
ribbon-flowingly natural

The first three lines of this stanza are good, they draw the reader in. However, the last three lines, while giving a good discription of the girl, seem weak. "Ribbon-flowingly" is a failed attempt at creating a word. It is incredibly forced.

a girl;
she takes no lessons from the pros
and thinks for herself.
she wears black and maybe
some white... and the red of a necklace;
the blue of her eyes.

An overall weak stanza, to be honest. It's very uninteresting, I'm sorry, but it is. The good: the last two lines have some excellent contrast!

she's a girl;
soft as soft can be and strong
as a leapord-skinned tiger.
bathing in honey
but tanning in iron.
she's a girl.

This last stanza has some great imagery. To be honest, this is my favorite stanza in the whole piece, but I think this is the weakest. How does this define the girl? In the first and second stanza we learned that she is a down to earth person, is herself, and has blue eyes (that's what I got out of it at least). But how does this third stanza define her? While creating a great image of a "leapord-skinned tiger" if offers no definition, in my opinion, to the piece as a whole. You could take this stanza out and not change the image of the girl.


I'm sorry to be so critical to your piece, but I've read your other work on this site and I think this is the weakest of yours I've ever read. I think you're an excellent poet/lyricist but this just didn't draw me in or grab my attention in the least. I'm sorry...I hope I don't ruin your day.

Could you please crit "Leaving Me Alone" in my sig? I'd like some tips from you, because I can tell that you are very possibly the most accomplished lyricist on this site.
#18
hmmm i think it was good
but hmmmm idk for some reason somethin just seems a bit off somewhere
i did like the imagery and detail
meh maybe its just me
but anyways good job