#1
The failed stench of inadequacy hangs in the air
(dying flowers weeping for sunlight and water but wilting nevertheless)

The remorseless gust of jealousy stings sickly green eyes, ruffles rotten hair
(through a sea of static a model assures us we too can be perfect, stroking her airbrushed skin)

The tounge, most obviously aware of it's power to ridicule, cuts bitter skin like a whip
(poisonous rays of a far too sunny disposition burn pale skin with their heat)


The presenter on TV ushers in the news,
A subtle trace of sadness on his professional face.
A pause;
"Today's main story: a most battered and bruised corpse was found
Beaten brutally to death far before his natural course.
Now this poor boy who shined so bright must be cast underground
After an envious foe murdered him with the utmost force."

And the guilty one watches the screen and nearly chokes
On the flood of depraved laughter seeping from his throat
And he smiles, happy that everything went as planned
And he vows to never wash the blood from his hands.
#4
It is rather emo actually, oh great. That tends to happen unintentionally in some of my writing. If anyone can get past the morbidity of it and post proper crit then i'll be sure to return the favour.
#5
It seems like you wrote this whilst flicking through a thesaurus.

The failed stench of inadequacy hangs in the air
(dying flowers weeping for sunlight and water but wilting nevertheless)

Failed stench??
and the flowers thing isnt a motif or theme, so it seems pretentious and pointless


The remorseless gust of jealousy stings sickly green eyes, ruffles rotten hair
(through a sea of static a model assures us we too can be perfect, stroking her airbrushed skin)

This part is ok, but it just seems to come out of nowhere. There is nothing that links this to the rest of the song. it just doesnt seem whole, its like a list of initial ideas.


The tounge, most obviously aware of it's power to ridicule, cuts bitter skin like a whip
(poisonous rays of a far too sunny disposition burn pale skin with their heat)

Whose tongue? once again, it just doesnt seem to gel

The presenter on TV ushers in the news,
A subtle trace of sadness on his professional face.
A pause;
"Today's main story: a most battered and bruised corpse was found
Beaten brutally to death far before his natural course.
Now this poor boy who shined so bright must be cast underground
After an envious foe murdered him with the utmost force."

this stanza is ok, however, the flow has only just been introduced. if you are going to use a rhyme scheme, then use it throughout the whole song. it just appears out of nowhere in this stanza and seems completely random, like you only thought about rhyme in this verse.

And the guilty one watches the screen and nearly chokes
On the flood of depraved laughter seeping from his throat
And he smiles, happy that everything went as planned
And he vows to never wash the blood from his hands.

the rhymescheme changed again!!

as a whole, the thing seems disjointed. I think i've guessed what you are trying to say overall, but it just doesnt go together well.
the use of words sounds pretentious and forced and the ideas just arent polished enough to make for a convincing song.
to be honest i cant find anything redeeming about this song. if i were you id just restart it, using the initial idea, but giving it a little form and structure. The whole Television idea just isnt addressed enough, and motifs that would otherwise be fine to use are just glossed over and ignored (the flowers point) and the antagonist is just ignored completely. why is he smiling, and why does he vow never to wash the blood from his hands?,
Some minor points, but they have to be acknowledged or the song just ends up like and emo cumshot. have another crack at it and repost.


And blackenedRUSh, way to crit constructively. ur comments dont help anyone and were just a waste of your time, and the time of anyone who read them.

Peace out
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
Last edited by FunkasPuck at Aug 20, 2006,
#6
Good ending. I picture him eating cereal
Quote by mr jones
The failed stench of inadequacy hangs in the air
(dying flowers weeping for sunlight and water but wilting nevertheless)
Flowers are really over done, especially dying ones.

The remorseless gust of jealousy stings sickly green eyes, ruffles rotten hair
(through a sea of static a model assures us we too can be perfect, stroking her airbrushed skin)
I like the part about the model, because I could see the fuzzy TV and her looking like a ***** with too much make-up.

The tounge, most obviously aware of it's power to ridicule, cuts bitter skin like a whip
(poisonous rays of a far too sunny disposition burn pale skin with their heat)


The presenter on TV ushers in the news,
A subtle trace of sadness on his professional face.
A pause;
"Today's main story: a most battered and bruised corpse was found
Beaten brutally to death far before his natural course.
Now this poor boy who shined so bright must be cast underground
After an envious foe murdered him with the utmost force."
This is pretty good, not my style by far, but good. You still make it seem like a news reporter but you keep it true to what you have written before.

And the guilty one watches the screen and nearly chokes
On the flood of depraved laughter seeping from his throat
And he smiles, happy that everything went as planned
And he vows to never wash the blood from his hands.



The feeling I get is Emo, but if you wanted that, you got it. Crit mine please if you can find the time, it's pretty short.
Please help me by reviewing my lyrics
#7
Thanks maj tom for your feedback. Agree with you about the flowers being infuriatingly overdone.

Emo wasn't my intention, just wanted to get out some rage and jealousy, plus I wrote it at work, which can turn anyone into an emo. Not sure how I'd sing it though, maybe best kept as a poem.
#8
Thanks Funkas, respect your opinion, though actually wrote it whilst stacking shelves. Agree is very disjointed, attempting to convey how I felt at that moment of writing which was angry and jealous.
The initial section with nor rhyme scheme or flow was simply attempting to create a feeling of envy, sadness and disgust. Probably not one to mould into a song then. Will crit you asap.