#1
Here's my latest work- another choppy piece. It doesn't really have a set rhythm. I'll crit whatever in return if you leave a link.


Dreary weather today, ain't it?

The waterfall of melted snow constantly cascading over our heads,
Beating down and battering against shattered window panes,
Picture frames- laying face down on the carpeted floor,
With muddied footprints tracking through to your bed; the dog house.
Those bitter-sweet memories are a rush of blood to your head.
You smell like wet dog; rotten fish. 'Too bad I suppose, I'm tired.'

Your face is dirty son, would you like a tissue? Pesdestrains-
So ignorant. I am a dog. I am a dog. I am your dog.
I awoke early from the unfinished haunting at dawn only to discover
The weather had taken a turn for the worse; the sun was up.
I crawled back into the uterus in which I gestate,
In which I would sleep until the next rainfall to celebrate.

My flowers were wilting- finally. Summer is nearing it's end.
Self-loathing then begins, as I set the flowers on the coffee-stained table.
I pricked my thumb; I have a sliver. I'll take no notice as my cranial bleeding
Continues so softly; so numb. Speechless. Dyslexia. Infected wounds bleeding still.
From the beating that took place in the daylight in May. The unfinished haunting.
The leeches. The peasents. The little piggies. Carpel tunnel. I am a dog. I am your dog.


Thanks in advance.

Note: Clinical lycanthropy is a rare psychiatric syndrome that involves a delusional belief that the affected person is, or has, transformed into an animal.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clinical_lycanthropy
Last edited by Tsunoyukami at Aug 21, 2006,
#2
is in't the name of your song when a person turns in to a werewolf, or cat or rat w/e?
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#3
Yes it is. I didn't think anyone else knw that. I was going to call it 'Clinical Lycanthropy' though I decided against it. Any comments on the actual piece?
#4
beautiful piece, witch parts the the chorus? and what kind of music is your band doing? i think it would be a good power metal song along the lines of iron maiden
Quote by AgentWiggles
Thanks, douche.


Quote by SlayingDragons
Dude...



Gear:
Ibanez SZ 520QM
Ibanez RG 450DXB
Fender Big Apple Stratocaster
Pod XT Live
Peavey XXX Half Stack
Peavey Bandit 112
and a soul of Rock n' Roll
#5
It actually has no chorus. It's just three verses and I am not actually in any band. I do mostly solo acoustic work. I've been told that it would make a good metal piece, but I can't do anything metal properly. If anything close to metal this would turn out as a mix between Black Sabbath and Pink Floyd.
#6
This was a sick piece man. Very nice (well not nice, but cool lol) images.

I really like: "I crawled back into the uterus in which I gestate,
In which I would sleep until the next rainfall to celebrate."

And the list of "The leeches. The peasents. The little piggies. Carpel tunnel. I am a dog. I am your dog." at the end was a very cool closer.
#7
christ on a crutch

this is the kind of song that leaves you with mental scarring for the rest of the day

in other words, your imagery really worked. it was quite disturbing. the last verse was probably best.

my vote is that your next song is about happy little elves or something.
So turn off the lights cause it's night on the Sun....

if anything i say comes acrosss as pretentious, tell me what an asshole i am.
#8
To Zamboni: It's nice to know that my images were 'nice' :p At least they actually made images, unlike my older works xD.

To loopdeloop: Haha, I couldn't get away with that. I've taken a liking to using medical terms and such in my songs/poems because they can be very, very disturbing...though it would be nice to write something about elves...I'll have to look into that.
#10
This would be a really good metal piece,
while i was reading it I kind of found myself screaming some of the words in my head.
I don't fully understand the topic, but the imagery was clear.
Liked it, well done.

Thanks for your crit on mine.
#11
This was very dark, but I suppose thats the idea. I liked it and cant suggest much, other than perhaps changing the title to Clinical Lycanthropy.
Please help me by reviewing my lyrics
#12
To Grab For Life: I was aiming for something 'dark' (as most of pieces aim at being dark) and I've given you a crit too. Thanks for the crit.

To Pink Blood: I know it'd sound good as metal, but I suck at doing anything metal. If anything it'd turn out as a mix between Sabbath and Floyd to create progressive metal with acoustic harmonies...or something weird like that. It was basically about the self-loathing of a person diseased with clinical lycanthropy - which I've left a link describing. Thanks for the crit.

To Maj Tom: Again, I was aiming for dark and I'm glad I achieved my goal. I considered chaning the title to clinical lycanthropy, and have actual been arguing with myself about it. I knid of like the single word title because it's more curious as to what it's about.
#13
i think its good
i like the name of it to
is there a chorus?

some parts got me alittle confused tho but its nice
#14
Quote by Tsunoyukami
Here's my latest work- another choppy piece. It doesn't really have a set rhythm. I'll crit whatever in return if you leave a link.


Dreary weather today, ain't it?

The waterfall of melted snow constantly cascading over our heads, This sort of line is really cliched to me because i have actually used it a hell of a lot, so that's just my opinion.
Beating down and battering against shattered window panes,
Picture frames- laying face down on the carpeted floor,
With muddied footprints tracking through to your bed; the dog house.
Those bitter-sweet memories are a rush of blood to your head.
You smell like wet dog; rotten fish. 'Too bad I suppose, I'm tired.'
Ok, you have definitely made a valiant attempt at building vivid images here and, in a way, it worked. It was just too mis-matched though; nothing slotted into place with eachother; it's dis-jointed. What i suggest you do i take on part of this and use that and then rewrite this stanza following that theme then take another one and use it in a different stanza.
Your face is dirty son, would you like a tissue? Pesdestrains-
So ignorant. I am a dog. I am a dog. I am your dog. Very brash, try re-wording these two lines; i feel it could still work.
I awoke early from the unfinished haunting at dawn only to discover
The weather had taken a turn for the worse; the sun was up.
I crawled back into the uterus in which I gestate,
In which I would sleep until the next rainfall to celebrate.
Brilliant, this was like a completely different stanza. Definitely change those two lines at the top, or else... you could just make all the stanzas four lines. Your choice.
My flowers were wilting- finally. Summer is nearing it's end. Not keen on this.
Self-loathing then begins Re-word. , as I set the flowers on the coffee-stained table.
I pricked my thumb; I have a sliver. I'll take no notice as my cranial bleeding
Continues so softly; so numb. Speechless. Dyslexia. Infected wounds bleeding still.
From the beating that took place in the daylight in May. The unfinished haunting.
The leeches. The peasents. The little piggies. Carpel tunnel. I am a dog. I am your dog.
Hmm, not quite sure about the ending; definitely making a statement but i feel it was way too choppy. Try uses of semi-colons or actually, going back to basics, connectives (good connectives though).


Very interesting on the whole, and not bad at all. You certainly have made a great effort at building images with metaphors and all that which i love to see but it all eems too dis-jointed; which is very common.

So a very good effort, and a good piece that jut needs joining up.

p.s. Thanks for the praises on mine
#15
Thank you very much for that (I was looking for something constructive, and you did it). Now that I've read it over a bit more, I can see what you mean about the first stanza about it being too disjointed from the rest of the piece.

My problem is that I'll write something on the spur of the moment and then follow it up with stuff that has no realtion (which I kinda did here). I'm going to heed all your ideas and try and fix it up and put a revised version up sometime soon, probably with an entirely new first stanza and a very similar second and third stanzas.

I see that it's very very very choppy at the end so I'm thinking that semi-colons will work wonders for me. Thanks for the crit, I'm looking forward to seeing more of yours.
#17
This is written well, but I feel that it is almost too negative in tone. A debatbale point, I'm sure.

I'm interested to know whether you know anyone affected by lycanthropy, 'cause it might be fairly risky if you're just having a swing at the emotions involved.

As far as the writing goes, it was decent stuff, so well done.
#18
I know absolutley no one affected in this way at all, unless I'm totally unaware of the fact that they are affected by it. I was just bored and I decided I wanted to write something, and I ended up writing about someone who feels as worthless as a dog, so I decided to find out what someone who thinks they are an animal is called and wikipedia returned my searching with Lycanthropy.

Though I have no idea how the emotions involved feel, I wasn't trying to quite write about a person who has Lycanthropy, I was aiming more at someone who feel's like a dog because of...just general stuff I guess. Thanks for the comments.
#19
It's well written, to be sure, but caz is right, it is too choppy. I love negativity, and you deliver well, if slightly cliche. Solid enough.
"You can never quarantine the past."